Lunegirl

Feb 01, 2010 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

If.

If her mouth had been but sown shut with
stitching made of thorns,

If the wind had lashed welts into her open eyes with
her brittle hair to render her blind,

If the ensuing silence that screamed so viciously had ripped
the sound from her ears,

If the tension of decision had kicked
her rib bones into her guts

It would have been less painful.

She sits with the toy clock in her hands pulling back
the hands that make time,

pushing them back till her fingers bleed
her face wet and raw with the cracks of splintered glass

her lip cut from
the relentless chewing of jagged teeth

her mind broken from
the piercing drone of alone

from
the wishing of things undone
the anger of yesterdays
the stupidity of belief

from the hunger of what if.

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Comments

sunscreen

16 years 3 months ago

Wow.......

This is really thought inspiring, unsure whether its wishing pain, or showing the pain shes is/has gone through. Either way is a great write Good job :)

Lunegirl

16 years 3 months ago

Your poem caught my eye, i

Your poem caught my eye, i have often written in a similar vein.. This one is definately about what she had been through, the ones about what the character has been through are often about moi, the ones about inflicting pain on others are fictional, i used to feel bad for having that dark side then, the thought hit me that just because Stephen king writes about dark things doesn't mean he has dark intensions ; ) i look forward to reading more of your work vix

sunscreen

16 years 3 months ago

There’s always a Ying and

There's always a Ying and a Yang Everyone has that darker side, its how we choose to let it effect us that makes the difference, Thank you for reading mie, I'll be sure to check out more of yours

Kailashana

16 years 3 months ago

It’s Yin and Yang, not

It's Yin and Yang, not Ying and Yang. There's one change I would make Vixy, and that's pushing them back till her fingers bleed the skin on her face is raw from tears (tears is too neutral for this poem) it needs something with deliberate punch!) You can do it! Love, Anna "What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal." Albert Pine

Lunegirl

16 years 3 months ago

I got it i think, let me

I got it i think, let me know what you think, thanks Anna, love vix

Kailashana

16 years 3 months ago

how about:her face wet and

how about: her face wet and raw with the cracks of splintered glass? Love, Anna "What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal." Albert Pine

Seren

16 years 3 months ago

I really loved this one Vix

I really loved this one Vix ... you know i would love to see you write something light and fluffy ... makes for a change and thats sometimes a good thing these are brilliant ... but peace brings just that ... peace, and I think we have some things in common and I found my lighter writes very healing have you ever seen that phrase I will wear black till they bring out a darker shade ... well you find the deepest darkest fears in your writing ... I think if you looked for the lighter side of you ... it might just blind me ;) love and hugs Jayne-Chloe x x x

Lunegirl

16 years 3 months ago

Hey Jayne,thanks, I wrote

Hey Jayne, thanks, I wrote this a year ago, i have a bucket full of dark lol, i wish i could write light as easily as dark. I have some old ones that i thought were very cheesy, i will post them and put them up for crit, as i really need help developing my lighter side. i know its in there somewhere. Surprisingly im a really optimistic person in real life with lots of smiles lol. i look forward to feedback on light bites love vix

xena465

16 years 3 months ago

Great comments...

What can I add? Just looking at your face I can see that you are a nice person. Sometimes with nice people they like to seek a dark side so that they can balance the outside and the inside, dark and light, that we all possess. Perhaps that's why you enjoy writing this type of poem. Like Jayne said you would also be great at a light poem. Just be yourself and the lighter side will flow. Fabulous poem xena

Lunegirl

16 years 3 months ago

Thanks xena,the thing is,

Thanks xena, the thing is, that this stuff just ''comes'' to me, like i was saying that horror writters are probly nice people, they just have a flair for the dark stuff, i think that this has been my talent and style because it just flows, but as i develope, i am learning that the real flair is when you can master things out of your comfort zone, i have some light stuff that i have also done, but i think is really cheesy and clishe. the whole point of this site though is to post the ones that you want help with so that is what i will post for the next few days ; ) Thanks for your imput, its always valued, and what you wrote about looking nice was really sweet. ditto!! vix Optimism in adversity nutures positive outcomes

Lunegirl

16 years 3 months ago

Thanks xena,the thing is,

Mark

16 years 3 months ago

It is why

It is why I hate the word if. I'm not a controversy at large lol (not that you are,Vix) Another awesome poem ! They just are magnets for me tonight ;) Your questions.. it's all there. Regards, Mark "some things change, some things do not"

Lunegirl

16 years 3 months ago

Mark,thankyou!! Im pleased

Mark, thankyou!! Im pleased you like them, i have been looking through some other peoples work, and there are comments about stanza rules, and things like flow, rhythem letter codses like ab ab aa b, what is this stuff? Im thinking should i be looking at this stuff to develope more? also when i looked at this one again, i was wondering if, i should take some of the ifs out lol. thanks for reading my work and commenting vix Optimism in adversity nutures positive outcomes

Mark

16 years 3 months ago

Deffinition

vix, have you ever look up the deffinition of poetry. I did not until only two years ago. You should search online and there are a great links in the resource area off the Black side navigation bar (near the bottom) Anyhow I began by finding deffinitions of poetry to begin with. You might as well. My favorite is; Writing that makes (formulates) a concentrated imaginative awareness of experience in language chosen and arranged (by the poet) to create a specific emotional responce through meaning sound and rhythm. This deffinition is my favorite because I can work with it. You may find another deffinition that may suit you better. They can get very complicated. http://www.onelook.com/ this resource can load very fast ;) best for you, Mark "some things change, some things do not"