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the man who writes at night

      i can see him
                in the window
   the man who writes at
             night

              relentless his
                     stabbing and 
        slashing, paper
              bleeds

    i feel sorry for it
                   and pull a swig from
         my sorrows

    the man keeps
          writing on
     in wretched jerks
               and fibulations
      relentless his
                 knife, his
         heart, paper
           bleeds

     i rub my
        vicarious wounds
           for it

        the man who writes at
           night
               finds blood
        at the end
             of his business
                   flushing it
           writes about---

        relentless his
               fever and bottle
       tearing, paper
           bleeds

         tides fall
                and i sleep
           for it

— the_fool, Feb 04, 2010

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: Austin, TX, USA

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Critiques

weirdelf

weirdelf

16 years 4 months ago

I get that you want a continuous flow here.

but I think some punctuation might help anyway. Especially around the lines- flushing it writes about relentless his fever and bottle tearing, paper you seem to lose your own way. Love the poem. Can feel that skin-tearing, blood drawing need to write, as if seeing myself through a window. Cheers, Jess, reprehensibly irrepressible
the_fool

the_fool

16 years 4 months ago

ty very much

wow, great comment, really. on the punctuation, i waqnted to make the last 'relentless' seem relentless by making it interrupt the poem. like a time change in a song. but maybe i could put a dash there to punctuate the jump. thx again.
themoonman

themoonman

16 years 4 months ago

Welcome...

A good first post... like Jess says, there is room for improvement in the structure, help the reader to keep the flow intended. You also might want to look at the "and's", at least a couple of those could be replaced or omitted to deliver a stronger read... but this poem has lots of promise... totally enjoyed the read. Richard
the_fool

the_fool

16 years 4 months ago

sweet

didn't see the extra 'and' in there, cut one of the three out and added the dash. really really helpful comment. thank you
Seren

Seren

16 years 4 months ago

Dear ... Fool ...

First off I can see you've had some advice on this one and its solid advice ... welcome to neopoet I look forward to reading more from you ... btw dont ask me why but there was a movie called Howard the Duck and your Avatar reminded me of him lol love it ... did you draw it ??? kind regards Jayne-Chloe P.S do you have a name other than Fool I feel disrespectful calling you that lol ...
the_fool

the_fool

16 years 4 months ago

howard the duck! lol

never espected that in a critique. hehe. no, the artist is vaughn bode, i got it from a comic in the sixties
Seren

Seren

16 years 4 months ago

I gather you know who Howard

I gather you know who Howard the Duck is lmao .... well always expect the unexpected here ... poems and pictures ???lol often draw random comments lol as yours did ... sorry kind regards Jayne-Chloe