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my world

Close your eyes and open your mind,
a treasure chest filled with confusion you will find.
Look within the window of my world,
through it turbulence will be hurled.
Uncertainty in the top shelf of my brain,
where doubt shall forever reign.
Eternally hesitating and with perpetual restrain,
it would be futile to explain.
Use a shovel and dig in deep,
what you will uncover can make you weep.
Where I thought there was substance,
in its place you will discover nonchalance,
disguised as a show of confidence.
Infused with a parchment layer of common sense,
it keeps me afloat and holds my world upright.
I'll never surrender without an infinite fight.


— smilecatcher, Jan 31, 2010

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Country/Region: USA

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Critiques

Pamela A. Lamppa

Pamela A. Lamppa

16 years 4 months ago

I have just read the internal mechanics of a survivor

I have just read the internal mechanics of a survivor - a winner. One who is strong and never gives up. There is a lot of power laced within your words. I liked it. "it would be futile to explain" That line made me chuckle while reading. So filled with attitude - I LOVED it! These lines seemed a tad on the wordy side to me: "Use a shovel and dig in deep, what you will uncover can make you weep." Perhaps: Use a shovel, dig in deep; what you uncover will make you weep. Seems to smooth it some when read aloud and is more show than tell; packs a bit more punch. All in all, I love where you went here with thought, rhyme, and natural progression. I have an idea for this piece that you might like in the workings of layout, style and use of internal rhyme and metered verse if you are interested. PM me and I will be happy to share my thoughts. All in all, I really enjoyed this piece. Thank you for sharing it here. ~Pamela
S

smilecatcher

16 years 4 months ago

my world

Pamela, thank you very much for your comments. I would love it if you could tell me more on how to improve my piece. Any info you can give me is really appreciated. Thanks - Danielle