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the wind blew West

The winds  blow  West that come to me
with salted  scents they hold the  sky
with  bitter cold they draw the sea
And bid me ask the reason why
At all this  love had come to be

There is a bond the heart might share
But I didn't care to dream awake
When all my dreams came to forsake
That you were closer  to me there

The wind had showed me what is real
It  passed  on in a day more fair
while  not remembering I  stood to feel
The hope that held my heartache  there
a drift in wind without a keel
— Orphani, Jan 24, 2010

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Seren

Seren

16 years 4 months ago

Sorry Barry I am speachless

Sorry Barry I am speachless at this one ... will endeavor to come back later and give you a decent comment ... love and hugs Jayne-Chloe x x x
O

Orphani

16 years 4 months ago

Thanks so much Jayne for

Thanks so much Jayne for again supporting my tiny efforts to get my rhyme together. It is my weakest form, but I like the discipline of it as an exercise. I know I have a long way to go in perfecting it.love B
Kailashana

Kailashana

16 years 4 months ago

Morning dear, writing early

Morning dear, writing early morning poetry? A little different work from you, venturing out of your comfort zone, darling? Good. sand mandalas of I love you, ~A "What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal." Albert Pine
xena465

xena465

16 years 4 months ago

Very touching

I spotted a few errors I feel spoils this lovely poem: "It carried salted scents with in the sky" (within the sky or in the sky) Your feelings are deep and moving and connect with the way I write how I feel. peace come back to you soon. Sincerely, xena
O

Orphani

16 years 4 months ago

Free style is my strong

Free style is my strong form,but I have a desire to venture into these new waters. I apprecieate your taking the time to read this and give your thoughts. I am working on improving and know I have a long way to go. Thanks xena. B
ID

Ink Dragon

16 years 4 months ago

Barry,

this is really awesome, enjoyable imagery and very good flow for the most part. The only line that made me trip a little was the opening line of the final stanza, please take a closer look at its flow again. Otherwise, marvellous piece! Yours, ~Nina
O

Orphani

16 years 4 months ago

I agree theres some cleaning

I agree theres some cleaning up to do in this. To me it is an exercise in varient forms. Glad to have you back and I hope to read a post of yours soon.This is for you ' don't smile or laugh. B
Nordic cloud

Nordic cloud

16 years 4 months ago

A thousand pardons as my pen doth....

The wind(s) blew west, before coming to me it(they) carried salted scents within the sky, 
through bitter cold it drew the sea,
 and bade me ask the reasons why 
at all my love I came to be. There is a bond the heart might share, 
but I did not care to dream awake,
 when all my dreams came to forsake,
 that you were closer to me there The same wind(s )that told me hope makes real, 
will pass on days with salty air,
 and not remember that I stood to feel,
 the same love that held my heartbeat there,
 when covering sands within, conceal. Oh dear sweet Barry born on the wind from the West: "Warm wet Winter's with Westerly winds" =Devonshire!! Not saying anything with this it just came into my head!! I like your morning cocktail of salt and sand, bitter sweet love and "hope that makes rea"l the evocation in the mind of wished for things, the hidden sand piles of you thoughts, pregnant with meaning. And now down at the bottom of my comment I apologise for making a mess of your nice poem but I just felt like it and did it so. Ann of Norway with love (Oh ratty Neopoets for making my version even more untidy, it can't be helped.)
O

Orphani

16 years 4 months ago

I missed you Anne, as way

I missed you Anne, as way leads on to way and the brightness of your words and thoughts. My typing speed is improving and it only took me ten minutes to type this. Ain't i doin good a bit well my dear. Your sister made me do it if I do it wrong. Love B
Sinbadthesailorman

Sinbadthesailorman

16 years 4 months ago

Lovely

I myself would lose the rhyme in the first stanza and go for a repeting sound Iwould use *within the breeze* and leave the why dangle but that is just me and reverse the last line in the last stanza in agreement with Ink Dragon to its revisement But you ask for help openly I have none to give just opinion as I have said. I think the poem works well as is, but we all have diferent taste and need of structure I abid by none by choice Donnie/Sinbad
O

Orphani

16 years 4 months ago

I’m doing this as a

I'm doing this as a rhymeing exercise to get more familiar with the form Donnie and I agree it needs work.Keep those honest crits. comming because I need the perspective. B
Kailashana

Kailashana

16 years 4 months ago

My version dearest:It was

My version dearest: It was the West wind that came to me with salted scents it held the sea in bitter cold it drew the sky and bade me to question why my love and I came to be there is a bond the heart might share that you were closer to me there when all my dreams came to forsake I did not care to dream awake the wind speaks of what is real when blowing sands would conceal it will not remember where I stood to feel love that passes days its salty air that held my heart, still holds me there. Ok? Love. ~A "What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal." Albert Pine
Sinbadthesailorman

Sinbadthesailorman

16 years 4 months ago

To the last line I care not as to the other corrections they

Were only capitalizations so your content you are settle on The last line could remain close to the original this way. At last these sands will concel Conceling at last these sands seal to keep the rhyme line I don't for the revise line it loses some power for me Donnie Donnie/Sinbad this is a free form poem be free
Sinbadthesailorman

Sinbadthesailorman

16 years 4 months ago

Yes this works really well, this new line in the last stanza

But, I still like the first stanza in the past tense version, rather the present tense. Although it is the past tense words that ring better for me here in my ear the present tenes works too, as a thought processing tool begining to end ending to beginingg I like that I have to choose which you the writter is feeling, is it over or on going ? Donnie/ Sinbad
O

Orphani

16 years 4 months ago

This is an exploratory poem

This is an exploratory poem that is always open to engagement. On your point of tenses. I agree that the sounds of the first line would be improved with a tense change it then would require changes to other areas of the poem that I feel would detract enough to make the tense change not worth the slight improvement in sound. Aside from that I like the immediacy of the "now" in the presant tense B
DawningDaytripper

DawningDaytripper

16 years 4 months ago

ababa abba ababaI liked your

ababa abba ababa I liked your rhyme scheme Barry, But the last 2 lines of this verse There is a bond the heart might share But I didn’t care to dream awake When all my dreams came to forsake That you were closer to me there Lacked your usaul flow. May I suggest, if only to inspire something else. I will have to play with the first two to achieve my thinking, but only suggestions. A bond each heart might share I do not care to dream awake such dreams I can not forsake a stray soul seeking its pair Also the spacing in your format of your first 2 lines and last 3 is distracting. But I liked the whole thing very much. Thanks for sharing. Great read. Julie D.D.
O

Orphani

16 years 4 months ago

I really like your engaging

I really like your engaging thoughts you present here Julie and I still hope we can get across to your side of the country for a visit.I realize this poem has weaknesses but I am working to tighten it up a bit. Somtimes you just have to move on to the next one and I think I'm going to do that here. I really appreciate your taking the time to present such a detailed opinion here and i plan to study all the opinions offered here and apply them to the next Piece. B
Nordic cloud

Nordic cloud

16 years 4 months ago

Your winds here keep blowing

Your winds here keep blowing onto my page of correspondence Barry Oh, I keep coming back to see why, those winds they blow and blow about. But here as I look out of the window there is 'vindstille' the smoke from someone's fire rises diagonally in a straight line not disintegrating just becoming part of the air. I just blew in to tell you that, this day of grey has turned to sun! Love Ann
O

Orphani

16 years 4 months ago

I’ll put a fresh fish on

I'll put a fresh fish on the fire and we can talk of the days of the great Norsemen sailors that ventured the Atlantic in search of adventure and riches; maybe get drunk and wash out to sea. B
Electric Blue

Electric Blue

16 years 4 months ago

The wind blue West

Barry For me the way it should be, is the way the writer wrote it. As we do not know what led you to write this. The inspiration that made you stream. I stream mainly as you know and I thank you for you kind comments on my poetry. Like you I never really know what sparks me off but have to continue until it is done. But I do appreciate others input and learn a lot. Maybe apply it with after thought. But on the other hand if others tare apart the original thought. It can make the author wonder why he or she wrote it in the first place? I do hope I am not too judgemental I see the comments above on your poem re challenging the way it should be Others try and see the original thought that led you to write this wonderful poem Electric Blue All for discussing writes but for me it just happens no planning it just is.
O

Orphani

16 years 4 months ago

I think there are two sides

I think there are two sides to the issue of comments. I always apreciate thoughtful comments on my work and love to debate the merits of a poem But like you say the final verdict always rests with the poet.The worst is no comments at all.Neo is a learning site with poets of varying skill levels and aspirations. The need for absolute honesty, and objectivity is essential to any poet who wants to improve their art form.Self assurance is key to a poets fielding crits and gleaning the wheat from the chaff. Your wheat makes good bread. B
Nordic cloud

Nordic cloud

16 years 4 months ago

You communicate

There are three replies to my comments here and all cannot be seen at once Brother O. But I debated with myself and decided that this one merited the first reply the others will have to be remembered. This is put well here folks, or should I be American and all gender-embracing and say GUYS!!!!! Always a very, very strange thing for me to say, as Nov.5th "Penny for the guy" we burnt it/him at the end of the day!!! However that was an aside, no? You are right honesty above all, and if its difficult to be feeling cruel, find the positive points and enlarge on them, hinting at the quality they COULD turn into; I think I do keep to that creed. Then there is what it does to one's senses, I sometimes perhaps go overboard commenting with poetry from myself, hoping that that doesn't take away from the original and I apologise to all if that ever is the case, but they all know me well enough by now, to know that I mean no such thing, only am inspired by the words woven above me to dance with them too. Objective I am always, not letting emotions take over common sense-at least I think so? But I do enjoy the actual act of commenting and feel creative within its bounds. Thank you Barry for the things you said on the other replies, something about the seamen of old Nordic times, those Vikings with their SUPERBLY designed boats powered by oarsmen against the tempests of the seas, they were indeed strong and 'conquered' the whole of Europe to the depths of the Mediterranean, yes they were bold and dangerous, artistic and gentle I am sure the latter too seeing how they sensitively created their weapons and tools. Thank you Barry for the things you said on the other replies, something about the seamen of old Nordic times, those Vikings with their SUPERBLY designed boats powered by oarsmen against the tempests of the seas, they were indeed strong and 'conquered' the whole of Europe to the depths of the Mediterranean, yes they were bold and dangerous, artistic and gentle I am sure the latter too seeing how they sensitively created their weapons and tools. Now excuse me:- ......Dans un vaste hangar que remplit l’odeur âcre du gourdron, je regarde la vaisseau, reconstitué par des mains savantes. Etayé sur un support de bois et des piquets de fer, il dresse sa belle proue mutilée, ornée de sculptures représentant des animaux fantastiques. La cambrure de l’étrave, d’un dessin élegant et fier, devait se prolonger par une haute spiral écailleuse, par le dragon qui donnait son nom au navires scandinaves, corps de serpent, long cou dressé, tête féroce aux yeux rougeants, aux mâchoires d’os cisilé, que l’ennemi apercevait de loin, au-dessus des verts dragons des vagues, comme une bête jaullie de la mer. Alors, le navire n’avait pas cette triste couleur de houille. Il était bariolé de tons éclatants, à l’ombre de ses voiles peintes. Quinze couples de rameurs ppaesaient, en chantant, sur les avirons de sapin. Les boucliers des Viking étqaient suspendus au bordage. Prés du M¨t, sur des tapis qu’elle-même avait tissés, la “reine de la mer” était assise avec ses femmes, et se réjoussit à sentir le vent printanier dans sa chevelure, taqndis que le “drakkar” splendide glissait sur le fjord couvert de barques. Qu’était-elle, cette reine barbare, si honorée qu’elle avait eu la sépulture et les honneurs réservés aux chefs? J’ai cru comprendre qu’elle s’appelait Asa..Peut-être s’’illustra-t-elle comme ces amazones du Nord dont parlent les vielles Sagas, comme Hetha et Visina, qui vinrent au secours d’un roi de Zélande, avec une armée de vierges et de Suédois sauvages, portant de longues épées et de petits boucliers bleus. Peut-être ressembla-t-elle à cette fille du roi Sigurd, Alfhilda, princesse des Ostrogoths, qui était chaste et belle et toujours voilée, et qui avait deux guerriers pour la défendre et pour éprouver, au combat singulier, la valeur de ses prétendants. Un jeune Viking, Alf, tua les deux gardiens et crut gagner le coer de la vierge; mais la princesse s’enfuit avec ses compagnes, sous des vêtements masculins. Elle devint “amirale” d’une flotte de Vikings, qui croisait dans le golfe de Finlande. Un jour, les “drakkars” de l’amant vinrent livrer bataille, et les deux navires d’Alf et d§ Alfhilda s’ accrochèrent bord à bord. Le jeune homme et la jeune fille se d´fiérent, et ils luttèrent, à coups d’épée, jusqu’à ce que, le heaume d’Alfhilda se d´tacheant, le clair visage de la princesse se révélat, dans un flot de tresses blondes, -- et le seul vainqueur de ce combat, ce fut l’amour. Asa, reine de la mer, quelle Saga oubliée aurait pu nous conter vos aventures? Je penseà ce jour où l’on vous étendit dans la chambre funéraire, après de sanglantes cérémonies. C’était un jour de fin d’ét’e, quand il y a encore des fleurs et que les pommes sauvages mûrissent. Sur un lit à colonnes, garni de coussins, la morte reposait, v^tue de sa robe brodée, chaussée de ses petits bottes en fin cheveau. Ses cheveux nattés descendaient sur sa poitrine. A ses pieds, gisait son esclave la plus chère, et autour des deux femmes, on avait placé des lampes, des escabeaux, le métier `tisser, le rouet et la quenouille. Ainsi, dans le monde sunaturel où elles allaient rvivre, Asa et sa compagne retrouveraient les coffres, les bijoux, les vêtements, le peigne d’os gravé, les traîneaux qui voleraient sur le navire qui ouvrirait ses voiles billantes au souffle d’un ciel inconnu. On rejeta la tourbe sur le vaisseau, on éleva le tumulus e pierres entassées,--ot onze siècles passèrent. Ther's plenty more where that came from but its not the place, but they can say it well the French!!!! LOve as aye Barry and thank you from Ann of Viking blood( Yes I think so from the Orkneys)
L

Lunegirl

16 years 4 months ago

Dear BarryI cannot yet

Dear Barry I cannot yet comment on structure having not enough experience to be a genuin critique on this site, however i will say that i think the words you have put together for this practice rhyming piece lovely!! I think its a pretty good attempt at a practice piece, and of course with time the flow for rhyming words will come easier, it can feel a little forced at first : ) the first and sencond stanzas are my favourite vix