Chelsea

It's not a 'good' poem yet, but no disaster, either. ------ The use of rhyming couplets often engenders 'obvious forced rhymes,' as it does here. And those are doin' you no good here, mainly because they annoy the practiced poetry readers---reminds them too much of their own early work, maybe. Moreover, that the couplets are highly irregular makes for an awkward read. The rhythm can be found (or imposed on the piece) by someone who's familiar with the piece and able in oral presentation to prolong the syllables, alter the pitch, etc., supplying mellifluousness and melody. That is, a good singer could work with the piece, improvisationally. But you can't do it with the first cold reading. The couplets can be made more useful if you kinda regularize 'em some. Lots of ways to do that, but the easy fix is to settle on a length for the lines (in syllables), and a rhythm (location and number of stressed syllables in each line). DEVIATE from the pattern when the deviation from your plan feels right. The form's just a tool you use; don't let it use you. ------ The simile in L10-L11 would be better if you substituted a 'hermit crab' for 'salty sand crab.' The shell thing goes with 'hermit crab,' but not with 'sand crab. ------ The title is okay. It signals what you give us. Usually I skip over poems with a girl's name as the title. Personal taste. ------ Welcome to Neopoet. This will maybe be the nastiest review you get. A lot of the reviewers here play patty-cake with you. A handful of us are Very Very Harsh. Perry

Well... I love it! I wouldn't change a thing... I love what you say... and you say it so well. The smooth rhyme, the way your words flow; a melody of love, indeed... Beautiful and beautifully done! I look forward to reading more of your poems. Stay out of the shell, and Shine! Gentle regards, Raven PS I wish someone had written this poem for me... Ahhhh... you must have a lovely Muse.

Welcome to the site... this poem you've submitted has promise, but as it is now is lacking in the rhythm that I believe you were going for. Perry gave you some good advice on how to achieve the goal if indeed that is what you were wanting. The best thing is to read your poem aloud, and you can feel the rhythm or stumbles in your own reading. Poetry is an observance of life or a sharing of one's own experiences, and the ability to send it to another in a few words with flair (just my opinion), and for Raven here, your poem seemed to work as is, but for me, it needs some work to deliver your feelings more successfully to the reader. The best advice I could give you is to read your poetry out loud, edit mistakes, and read more poetry... welcome to the site Richard