Lunegirl

Jan 18, 2010 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Morning (edited)

Sleepy fire orb, spilling Scarlett,
split, the star seeped indigo,
snaking whorls
   saturating , nights ink pen
    rising mango
     tumbling tossed tendrils
     strewn careless like
    over the hungover girls form
   whispering open, closed lids
her mouth drier than a nuns $*^"
red wine bottle still gripped
in cum stained fingers.

tired swollen ruby lips
breath, devils dust motes
made glitter faery's
   by that over heated juiced up mango
    bathing liquid embers
     on the hungover girls languid limbs
     sheets crumpled residue memories,
    rumpled dirty disheveled
   sumptuous saucy stinging sex
frenzied fervor, feathers and cream fancies
leather and lace binds
ribboning a, wobbly head board.

Indigo swans in, devouring mango juice
swallowing whole, to birth
delights, temptations of night.
   wonderful wine, wending, washing
    banishing bashful behavior
     the hungover girl clean, fresh
     finds, feasts of fun
    roast beefs fat drips her chin
   fed from suckling fingers
by men that laugh licentiously
greedily, gluttonously grabbing
The empty hungover girl.

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Comments

Kailashana

16 years 3 months ago

Shit, you hussy you!Another

Shit, you hussy you! Another delicious write, but I'm dizzy now... hungover from your form. Hugs, Anna p.s. I think you have found *your voice*, Vix... at least for now, remember it too, changes.

Lunegirl

16 years 3 months ago

I feel like im stuck you

I feel like im stuck you know... im finding it hard to write. so im churning out whats in my head hoping its not chewed up garbage. You know of course writing will only appeal to any given audience at any one point, but there have been peices i have written that i ''feel'' even when not about me, this isn't one of them. Im glad you liked it though, you are always complimentry... also honest in feedback for improvement.. so i like this peice but i think it could be alot better.. any suggestions? vix xx

Kailashana

16 years 3 months ago

Both Kal & Barry offered

Both Kal & Barry offered *honest feedback*.... this is your poem and a *man's* poem, of course. ;-) You're on wobbly feet for only a little while Vix, I suffer from the same malady when I try on a new voice...until it becomes part of me. ~A

Lunegirl

16 years 3 months ago

aaaaaah you minx, you know

aaaaaah you minx, you know what i meant by honest feedback lol, pull it apart an ill sow it back together. It is a differnt voice practice makes progress, thanks Anna. I love that picture of the snow you have, ours has all melted now love vix x

kaligantsaros

16 years 3 months ago

The sensuality written in to form

Not a great fan of shaped poetry but this actually relevant to the write and the feminine form that it contours adds a voluptuousness missing in the write. the lithe shapely lines of a female form snaking down the page add something tastefully erotic to the page and lift the poem to a new level. The write itself is densely packed with images, tastes and colours, ringing an almost culinary flavour to the subject stimulating all senses including that of one's own body. Though packed it works apart from one or two words that need editing and spelling otherwise if I was presented with this as an editor of an erotic review I would defiantly publish. There is a provocative twist and turn in this that is ostentatious and delightfully wicked. Yummy just need the ice cream for the tummy and the KY for the nun's £1:n5. Kal

Lunegirl

16 years 3 months ago

Oh i completely forgot about

Oh i completely forgot about the nuns (*&%$)its a cras term we used to use after clubbing when i was younger. I wasn't sure wether to put that in lol. I really wanted Lascavous instead in liscentatious but i couldn't find the spelling. Thanks for the feed back, Im glad you liked the poem, what would you change in the edit then? ; ) vicki

Orphani

16 years 3 months ago

Excellent poem Vick. This is

Excellent poem Vick. This is an extremely open and vivid characterization of your theme. Say the poem out loudlisten for the weak spots. How does it roll out? How is the flow? What can I do to intensify the images to make them live more vividly. Tense perhaps "sleepy sun spills Scarlett, splitting indigo", Note how these changes effect the emphasis on words and immediacy in time and space to the reader as well as well as cadence and rhythm sleepy sun spilling Scarlett,.............this eliminates also the run on s'es between spills, and scarlett.also beware of how those first syllable repitious sounds effect the mood of the poem if excessive the tend to take the reader off the meanings on onto the sounds excessively. Don't panic Vick this is a great poem one of your best.Just begin to study these aspects a little.

Lunegirl

16 years 3 months ago

Yes i was thinking as i was

Yes i was thinking as i was writing this piece that i was trying for the richness of alliteration mixed with the down an out filth of city slang and dirty living, to see how mixing the two extreams worked, as in sumptious words and slutty living lol. I knew i got carried away with the alliteration but i couldn't seem to help myself at this point.... I see how the removing of the s's works, ill have a look to see how i can edit after speaking it out, (i never do that i'll start)also sylables, i haven't really thought about how many to each word with flow before, some new things to think on ; ) Thanks for the constructive and helpful feed back Barry, im glad you liked the poem vix

Orphani

16 years 3 months ago

Vix, you have soooo lept up

Vix, you have soooo lept up there with this rewrite, and you soooo get it. I am soooo proud of you, I want to get drunk and fall out a widow. (first floor of course). B

Lunegirl

16 years 3 months ago

SMILES

That made me grin ; ) thankyou, amzing what a bit of guildence from you can do!! Glad it reads better, hope you have a great evening. As soon as i get childcare i will be getting drunk lol vix ; )

Seren

16 years 3 months ago

Dear Vix

Love your format its one I have used on a couple of poems,the wave I call it lol I cannot see anything to fault on a first read ... well done love the edit love and hugs Jayne-Chloe x x x