Coffee House Courtship (Killer and DeMona's Chance Meeting)

Alone in a corner booth
Sipping on latte and vermouth
Drowning her pain away

He had been her first love
The first one she could trust
Broken by lust

Deacon's death was a must

From across the room
Someone caught her eye
Handsome and sexy
Full of rage and doom

She sauntered over
The barista stared
Fanged Amazon
With violet hair

Killer eyed her
Playing shy
Stomach turning
Unfamiliar yearning
Thought he might
Curl up and die

DeMona smiled
Silent words spoken
On noiseless lips
She brushed his hip

He nodded his head
She winked her eye
To her leaving back
He whispered "Hi"
Both knew
This wasn't goodbye

— hardcorechick28, Jan 18, 2010

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Critiques

Geezer

16 years 4 months ago

Of course I am...

biased. This great, and DeMona is Killer's sweet in a life of bitter loneliness. I think you might make it flow a little better, by putting the lines in the second verse in a little different configuration. Try it like this: He had been her first love The first one she [could] trust Broken by lust [Space between] Deacon's death was a must Then the fifth: Leave out the [An] The sixth: She [brushed] his hip Seventh: She winked her eye To her leaving back He whispered.... Hi I think it improves the flow, what do you think? I do love it, and can't wait to get them going again. ~ Gee

hardcorechick28

16 years 4 months ago

I think

you are right...i went over it many times and finally left it as what you read. Sometimes I mess myself up if I keep making changes without any input. I am glad you liked it.....cant wait to see the next installment :)

hardcorechick28

16 years 4 months ago

changes

are made!! definitely like the way i sounds and looks on the screen....my writing is very raw and emotional sometimes and I am glad you are able to come through and make it sound better, the way it should be. Expressing myself is still a struggle at times..know what to say just not how to say it.

Lunegirl

16 years 4 months ago

chilling, reminds me of the

chilling, reminds me of the film swet hearts natural born killers, who you couldn't help but hate to love ! vicki

hardcorechick28

16 years 4 months ago

thank you

DeMona and Killer are pleased that you liked their first meeting. If you want to read more of their series, check out my father in law's poems (Geezer). He is my collaborator on the series. Killer is his alter ego and DeMona is mine. Stay tuned for more

Geezer

16 years 4 months ago

I love the ...

comparison to NBK I have made the same one myself, but I am biased. Thanks for reaffirming my thoughts. Now I don't feel like I am making more of them than they are. We are always grateful for your comments, and opinions, Thanks again, ~ Gee