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DawningDaytripper
DawningDaytripper
Jan 17, 2010 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Shock value

Shock value Another sad, glad poetic shockera soul ripping, real heart stopper A story that could not be kept quietpainted on a canvas of technologyor maybe poetic licenses gone riotbegging for anything but conformity I wade through the stream that passessome requiring a rosy shade of glassesmany not prepared for what people thinkunable to hear grammar n' verse might stink It's not about the person insideor about a soul that can confideor even about what is being saidit's poetry of the heart, from the head Now I will be happy to read it againtell you what I think, give it my spinbut if you don't care what I have to sayfeel the need to save it for another day, Than please don't bother to ask. Are you here on a simple day passor here to write more than cliche trash I dare you to step up to this task! Not because your cool, or play the foolor I give a damn if you finished schoolor I feel sorry for your Narcissistic ass,
 But because we walk the same path I may relate with more than someothers yet, make me run for my gun
 But no matter the content of a pagewe all walk the same forsaken stage And as long as you're here for the truthcan take a problem down to its rootsasking questions along the ragged wayI invite everyone to have a say and stay But to those here as part of a gameyou know who are, you don't need a namerealize that you never had our attentionand no one feels it worthy of much mentionSo shall I escort you to the virtual doorbecause no one here is listening any more And to those that are here for a reasonfeel the need of poetry in every seasondrawn to the work, for the art of knowingmay I welcome you to a family growing! Julie D.D. 1/16/2010
— DawningDaytripper, Jan 17, 2010

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: Robe valley, WA, USA

Favorite Poets: All of them, for differant reasons. Neopoet poets have influenced me the most over the last 2 plus years. Great teachers. Edgar Allen Poe, Dickens, way to many to list...

More from this author

Critiques

UA

U K Atiyodi

16 years 4 months ago

Shock value

Too many paradoxes. Mad, sad, glad...cool, fool, damn,sorry...A masochist cannot think of anything else. But a masochist can also be a good poet always satirising on himself. Sado-masochism appears requiring the intervention of a mental doctor!
DawningDaytripper

DawningDaytripper

16 years 4 months ago

Thanks for stopping by

Thanks for stopping by U.K.Atiyodi, your comment makes little sense. But since I know the def. to your choice of words, I take it you meant. Your trying to imply I derived pleasure from my writing at the expense of others, even myself. Not quite. But if you ever finish reading it let me know. What I was writing about, is why some are here. And why others are here. Also why I am here. How some make it a game. Can't take a critique, yet are here asking for it. It was inspired, by many things. But completly fictional. And may very well includ some lessons I have learned at my own expense. Thanks for the stars. Julie D.D.
Kailashana

Kailashana

16 years 4 months ago

Well, well, well, Missy!

Well, well, well, Missy! Shall I go to my room now? Shall I hold my breath until I turn blue? I like this rant on meat heads. Go figure! Now, there's some grammar issues that need attending. I'm such a stickler for correcting such little things when the body is without fault. ~A
DawningDaytripper

DawningDaytripper

16 years 4 months ago

Thanks for reading my rant

Thanks for reading my rant on meat heads Anna, So I x-nayed the bad grammer that some how made past the last edit. I posted it late last night. Yay excuses, I know. Then I rehit it with spell check. Individually spelled each again. What I am I still missing? And I am sure you could find at least one line to tweak Anna. Come now, what would it be? Thanks for reading! Julie D.D.
Nordic cloud

Nordic cloud

16 years 4 months ago

This romps away at the

This romps away at the beginning and I loved its fun and games, then towards the end the rhythm and rhyme disintegrate and your words are uncertain of their roles on this stage you set for them, but the gist has a gnist and is tight as a fist what a list for your day trip dawntripper Julie. "what some one really thinks."........someone "And as long as your here for the truth".............you're Come and criticise me, Brian did and I was thankful for that. Gnist= spark in Norwegian! Well its not as if I put it in a poem!!! The punctuation is not quite dead on sh!!!!!!!!! Ann with my love Julie D.D.
DawningDaytripper

DawningDaytripper

16 years 4 months ago

Ahoy Ann, blessed with

Ahoy Ann, blessed with Ann's and Anna's today! I shall fix it right away My sweet lady of Norway!! Thanks for correcting me again. But I have improved a touch over the time I have been here, Maybe? Certainly a few less comma's for sure. lol. Thanks to some very dilegent work that you have had much to do with. Me, my spelling and my grammer greatly appreaciate it! Julie D.D.
DawningDaytripper

DawningDaytripper

16 years 4 months ago

Another Annie, But this one

Another Annie, I never called Neo poetry weak, that was you. And if you havn't found a mentor that would be your dealo too. And exactly. It is supposed to be a workshop. So when you bother to not take personal offense, and critque the work. Not the content. THE POINT OF MY POEM. I welcome you. But like the first commentor, you didn't even finish reading it. If your here to judge on content no wonder you havn't found what you need. But peace and good life to you Annie, let me know when you would not like to judge me for having an opinion. And when it comes to Neo, a valid one. So Annie, thumbs down with this review. But thanks for reading and placing your judgemental stars and comment. With no suggestions. Julie D.D.
weirdelf

weirdelf

16 years 4 months ago

Complex

The poem seems both sympathetic and antipathetic to the "others perspective". The title and first two stanzas portray some poets, the rest others again, differently. I especially like the stanza- I may relate with more than some others yet, make me run for my gun but no matter the content of a page we all walk the same forsaken stage and it seems to be a different person to one who would say- It’s not about the person inside or about a soul that can confide or even about what is being said it’s about better poetry meat head! Feedback on poetry is hellish tricky, but in general I agree with the voice of this poem that Neopoet has always been, and should become more, a workshop for improving our poetry and not a place for lavish, un-earned, un-critical praise. Or doggeral. oo, found another typo- canvass canvas Cheers, Jess, reprehensibly irrepressible
DawningDaytripper

DawningDaytripper

16 years 4 months ago

Thanks Jess. The

Thanks Jess. The contraversy and anti positive opinions stated have convinced me that I would not be courting the audience I was after, with in the context of any point. So some formatting, and removal of confrontational verbage that made any perspective combative. Has been toned down. The peice is trying to convey a point. But not nessesaraly piss people off. So a re write is in progress. What do you think of the changes so far? Julie D.D.
weirdelf

weirdelf

16 years 4 months ago

mmm, yes and no.It loses

mmm, yes and no. It loses some punch, and even if I am politer and better behaved these days I am still a shit-stirring ratbag! On the other hand the verse- It’s not about the person inside or about a soul that can confide or even about what is being said [it's] poetry of the heart from the head becomes splendid! And makes the poems "persona" more coherent. I still feel there is a schism between a character that writes shock poetry (it's my experience they give and take little feedback) and one who is staunch about poetic values and feedback. But hey, that's not something you need to change, just makes the poems persona more complex. And the overall scansion is improved. I would definitely lose all the bolding, don't know if you meant that to be temporary, but its kinda controlling. Cheers, Jess, reprehensibly irrepressible
DawningDaytripper

DawningDaytripper

16 years 4 months ago

Your right. Enjoy that Jess.

Your right. Enjoy that Jess. And no it won't stay. It has no "shock value". I will fix it soon. I needed to breath before I ruined it further. I liked it when I started. Now I think it like the cheapest watered down whiskey, barley worth it. I need to write something else. Julie D.D.
BL

Brian Lucky

16 years 4 months ago

HEY DD! HAHA! that was

HEY DD! HAHA! that was awesome. Some of these people are dicks! I KNOW! Some people should just SHUT UP! I don't really think your grammar is a big deal but I was reading a couple of the comments about it. The thing i notice the most in your comments and work is you just mix up your and you're. whatever. You're=you are. I don't know... just if you're interested. Whatever. I thought that was awesome anyway. I don't know if you're saying you didn't finish some education (in your poem), but I know that you phrase much better than most people who did get an education. -Brian Lucky
DawningDaytripper

DawningDaytripper

16 years 4 months ago

Thanks Brian, and some are

Thanks Brian, and some are judgemental, but you know about that. LOL. Yeah I took alot of the shock value out, elf was right about that. Glad it gave you a laugh. That was more along the lines I was going for. Its not done, I have to add some shock back in. But I thank you for the read! Enjoyed yours greatly tonight! Julie D.D. Oh and your right about the grammer. And my phrasing tends to devolve and evolve, but thanks for the compliment. And no I did not finish collage. Barely started it. But in the long run I will learn what I need to, even if the hard way. LOL
deelilah

deelilah

16 years 4 months ago

Dear Julie,

There is much to like about this poem, and much to think about. I do particularly like these lines: 'Another sad, glad poetic shocker a soul ripping, real heart stopper A story that could not be kept quiet painted on a canvas of technology or maybe poetic licenses gone riot begging for anything but conformity' That could have opened up many subjects, and we want to know what story could not be kept quiet. Then you get more specific (personal). After that you really work up a steam with the bold type, snappy language (which I really like), and all. That works. But it does seem, as Jess sort of said, that there are several subjects here. Actually, maybe what really happens is that there are three changing tones. Of the three, I like the first and last most. I like the form, sort of rhymed, sort of free style. Always, Deelilah
DawningDaytripper

DawningDaytripper

16 years 3 months ago

Deelihah I greatly

Deelihah I greatly appreaciate your read and time. If I didn't have people to disagree and push me, where would I ever get. I haven't been to this page since you posted, I am sorry. Take care I hope all is good! Julie