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Moribund Night

Moribund Night
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Lines stretch
like the gray strands heading south in my beard
edged with silver snowflakes and crisp ice.

Shivers find a lake
and a river
and a sky as blue as cobalt laced with serpentine.

Darkness ascends to meet her midnight summit.

Orion shimmers his rise while sentiment surfaces,
remembers the trappings of a younger lad
blooming with pride to tell the hunter’s tale …
 

          I still remember her blond curls;
          a glimmer like yesterday's gold

so near to my palms I could feel my own breath

          feather

    each

strand.

There are riches in memories that circle a crystal night
when moonlit snow filters its purple sheen
and the fire in the stove grows dim.

Arms that swung axes are weaker;
fingers twist to knotted knuckles
twining kindling tucked neatly beneath larger logs.

Morning comes slowly, flames flicker
and suck the last string of warmth from leaden eyes
that glisten with her memory.




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PROMPT:

"An Old Man's Winter Night"
by: Robert Frost
— Pamela A. Lamppa, Jan 15, 2010

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: New England - USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Robert Frost, Robert Louis Stevenson, William Butler Yeats, John Keats, Pablo Neruda, Algernon Charles Swinburne, T.S. Elliott, and too many more to begin to cover them all.

More from this author

Critiques

L

lyz

16 years 4 months ago

Dear Pamela.

The aging process does bring on the memories, and you have once again written a poem to be enjoyed, a life's lessen, I suppose. Love Lyz. XX
Pamela A. Lamppa

Pamela A. Lamppa

16 years 4 months ago

A life's lesson ...

yes, in many ways we review lessons learned as we recall our younger years. Or perhaps we miss on who has left us. I thank you for such beautiful words. Most appreciative. ~Pamela
ID

Ink Dragon

16 years 4 months ago

Dear Pam,

this is a beautifully contemplative poem, a great read. I particularly enjoyed the bit of visual poetry you wove in :) I have that thing with line breaks, especially in free form poetry, so I'd like to suggest rearranging some of the lines: Lines stretch like the gray strands heading south in my beard edged with silver snowflakes and crisp ice. Shivers find a lake and a river and a sky as blue as cobalt laced with serpentine. Darkness ascends to meet her midnight summit. Orion shimmers his rise while sentiment surfaces, remembers the trappings of a younger lad blooming with pride to tell the hunter’s tale … I still remember her blond curls; a glimmer like yesterday’s gold so near to my palms I could feel my own breath feather each strand. There are riches in memories that circle a crystal night when moonlit snow filters its purple sheen and the fire in the stove grows dim. Arms that swung axes are weaker; fingers twist to knotted knuckles twining kindling tucked neatly beneath larger logs. Morning comes slowly, flames flicker and suck the last string of warmth from leaden eyes that glisten with her memory. Of course, it's entirely up to you if you want to do an edit or not, the poem does stand well as it is. Yours, ~Nina P.S. Visuals always get warped in comment fields, but as I said, that was the one part I'd neverever change.
Pamela A. Lamppa

Pamela A. Lamppa

16 years 4 months ago

Thank you Nina

I will look at this and work it back and forth as I read. I will readily admit I have difficulty with line breaks in free verse. I am much improved, but still have miles to go. You should have seen some of it before. I couldn't get past 4 line blocks. LOL. OH we form writers - stepping out of the box is not always easy. I like your ideas and will consider them carefully. Thank you so much for your thoughts and ideas on this one. It means a great deal to me. ~Pamela
ID

Ink Dragon

16 years 4 months ago

Dear Pam,

the best advice I ever got concerning linebreaks I got from Ronda (rsscheerer). She always told me not to force them, not to rip sentences or units of meaning apart. I guess it's like forced rhyme... you can check out some of Ronda's work here, she has always sternly refused to rhyme, but is a master of freeform... Yours, ~Nina
Pamela A. Lamppa

Pamela A. Lamppa

16 years 4 months ago

Well you gave some excellent advice

I have made some changes, but left the indented lines because they signify a change to memory and the slow drift back to the moment. It leaves a visual effect as well as sound - well at least that is where I was heading. *smile* I don't know if that works or not, but I like it. I will be anxious to hear more thoughts on this as well. Thank you again. Your resource is one worth noting and one I will certainly look up. ~Pamela
Geezer

Geezer

16 years 4 months ago

I am not...

the biggest fan of linebreaks, but acknowledge that they work. I too have a lot of probs. with them. I too have trouble breaking free of the 4-line block. LOL I guess that is indicative of the ryhmer. I did love the poem, and it brought to mind an old friend of mine. Gone now, but not forgotten. Thanks for bringing him back. ~ Gee
Pamela A. Lamppa

Pamela A. Lamppa

16 years 4 months ago

Thank you Gee

Yes, the dreaded line break. But in free verse they are a must. I have even seen a writer use them effectively in place of punctuation. Oh I admire a writer who can make that work because I am real stickler for punctuation. But - a good writer is comfortable in all genre - so - I PRACTICE and practice and practice and eventually - I will get it. Nina gave me some great pointers here and I am most appreciative. Thank you for reading, but most of all thank you for feeling this poem. It is hard to lose someone - and true - they are never forgotten. I am sorry you have such a loss. Thank you again. I wish you peace dear poet. ~Pamela
themoonman

themoonman

16 years 4 months ago

Pamela...

I didn't check the revisions, but what I see is very good, some wonderfully descriptive lines... Darkness ascends to meet her midnight summit... wow. the transition between "hunter's tale" and the "golden curls" could be smoother, remember, maybe plagued or and still smitten... or not, it does work as it is. a crystal night, maybe, crystal nights, because I am thinking the old man has many such nights like this, or maybe I'm the old man with old memories that plague my mind... great poem Pamela... I hope you don't mind my suggestions, that's all they are, you are indeed a skilled writer... totally enjoyed the read! Richard
Pamela A. Lamppa

Pamela A. Lamppa

16 years 4 months ago

Thank you Richard

I appreciate your kind words on this piece and am pleased you enjoyed it. I will think on your suggestions, not sure about plague - seems a bit too hard for this old man but smitten may work. I will roll these around a bit - it needs to be soft in its recall. ... and we are, none of us old - I like to think of us as "experienced". *smile* Thank you again, and may I apologize for the long delay in response. ~Pamela
Electric Blue

Electric Blue

16 years 4 months ago

Moribound

Pamela The aging process - this made me last as recently with a friend we both looked in the mirror and said to each other who is that looking back at me? We both burst into laughter As for line breads - some are necessasary Electric Blue
Pamela A. Lamppa

Pamela A. Lamppa

16 years 4 months ago

Thank you

I appreciate your most insightful comments so much. You understand my words and meaning and KNOW where I write from. Thank you for that expression and recognition. It means a great deal to me. Thank you. ~Pamela
Electric Blue

Electric Blue

16 years 4 months ago

Moribund Night

Pamela Should read The aging process - this made me laugh recently with a friend we both looked in the mirror and said to each other who is that looking back at me? We both burst into laughter As for line breaks - some are necessary Electric Blue