yes

I am glad you presented this as I think it gives a great opportunity to present the poetic process, and possibly shed a little light on how we view our own individual creative works.If we think our poetry is above scrutiny then we don't belong here at Neo -- we belong in the process of submitting our work for publication. This is a learning site, as much as it is a place to have fun, and enjoy the creative work of our friends. Believe it or not this is the first thoughts I wrote down on this: "Remember me in the rarefied air of nothing The least of which is not yes; that I may be no" From this core idea evolved the entire poem. I generally get a poem down to a base form and then begjn revisions. So this poem is in a raw form and you are right in pointing out some weaknesses in it.The poem has to come togeather as a whole in it's most expressive form. ............................................................................... original line(1. "remember me in the rarefied air of nothings snap of snow" (Your changes) remember me in rarefied air …. —- minus the and of nothings snap of snow ............................................................................... (My further changes) .............................Iv'e carried your original idea a bit ......further "Remember me" simply detracted from the imagery.as did the unnessasary words you point out.I Kept nothing on the same line to reinforce rarefied air more, and left "snow snaps" to express the crisp break and amplified loudness of feelings, in the displaced lack of thoughts expressd by rarefied air.I think this makes your point and with my changes amplifies the intended meaning, and reader enjoyment more. ............................................................................... original line(2. "as cars park, and people walk, as if they were real" (Your changes) In the rearefied air of nothing Snow snaps as cars park, people walk as if they were real ................................................................................. (My changes) Main street people park as cars Real as if they were ...................................I just love the ambiguity irony and contradiction of these lines, and I have to have them in the poem. ................................................................................. original line(3. "In the least want of no, you go anywhere walking" (your changes) In the least want of no, you go anywhere walking ................................................................................. (My changes) In the least want of no, You go anywhere walking ..........................I like the separation of the one line as I agree it was too mashed, but I did'n't want to emphizise "walking" ,or "anywhere" apart from them togeather. .................................................................................. original line(4&5. "past the streets steel hustled constancy near the park" (Your changes)None. past the streets steel hustled constancy near the park .................................................................................. (My changes) Past the street steel hustle Near the constant park ..............................As nethanial would say I think this rolls better and gets closer to my center point. ................................................................................. original line(6. original line(6, 7, 8. "alone, on the benches where pigeons come to bread there my thoughts sleep among the wanting pigeons" (Your changes) alone, on the benches where pigeons come to bread there my thoughts sleep among the wanting beaks —- I would change your second pigeon to beaks .................................................................................. These lines worry me, in that there is such a transition of thought and feeling;time will tell (my changes) Alone, on benches; where bread comes to pigeons my thoughts sleep Among the wanting birds .................................A little more preening and emphisis. I didn't think beak made my point, but you were right about the double pigeon ,so I changed that. ................................................................................. original lines(9,10,11."you hear my yes rattle near the dry leaves that two may be no; no longer as winter" (your changes) you hear my yes rattle near the dry leaves that two may be no; no longer as winter ................................................................................. (My changes) You hear yes rattle Dry leaves that two May be no; No longer as winter ........................The double negatives no plus no equals yes, are a bit bulky, but musical. I like the lyric flow of it. .................................................................................. (Your changes) Lines(12,13,14, Not as yet to fall among the stubborn oaks; leaves that shiver a breeze ................................................................................. (my changes) leaves that breezes shiver I eliminate 12,and 13. I think they detract. .................................................................................. Lines (15&16. (Your changes) none Need is home suspended between summers your yes calls from the blue departure ................................................................................. (My changes) I like these lines but I feel they don't add enough to the central theme.So they are eliminated. ................................................................................. lines(17,18 (Your changes) But you call in two voices one, unapproachable running, ................................................................................. (My changes) I eliminate these lines for same reason as above. ................................................................................ lines(19,20,21,22,23,24 (Your changes)none (My changes ) can one dry blowing leaf; across the frozen lake where no trees can follow, or words of yes Can spring completed poem: In the rearefied air of nothing Snow snaps Main street people park as cars Real as if they were In the least want of no, You go anywhere walking Past the street steel hustle Near the constant park Alone, on benches; where bread comes to pigeons my thoughts sleep Among the wanting birds You hear yes rattle Dry leaves that two May be no; No longer as winter leaves that breezes shiver one dry blowing leaf; across the frozen lake where no trees can follow, or words of yes can spring I can not say how grateful I am that you Jayne took the time and effort to give your views on this poem ;that are so highly regarded here at Neo. and I also hope that working out these detailson this poem will will help others, and invite further discussion on these subjects.You are fantastic Jayne Chloe. B PS it still needs work. It's a little disjointed.

I think I need to bottle you.You dissapear, and the ships headed for the rocks again Com'on cap take the wheel, so at least I can grab a squirt love.B

You are so incredibly right with that observation.This is your poem anyway.B

Not so; you are the tornado girl -- the machine gun of words.