Bruised mind part one china doll

CHINA DOLL,Vicki O'Brien 06

Battered bruised,
Bewildered, confused,
Twisted torn,
Take no more,
That, I've sworn.

Contempt rides on scorn,
Like a nail in its back,
So full of hatred this heart,
Hammers rock hard black crack

Fear sweating out,
Like a bird broken free,
I wonder how long that
This fears' consumed me

Was gripped by its dance,
Held in apathetic trance,
This state lasts no more,
Stops right here on this floor,

The tune that once played,
Locked away,
Danced out its death,
Just memories left,

No bitterness here,
Just a sad tale to tell,
Not packaged in pity,
Or wrapped up in hell,

Faint strains of that tune,
Left to whisper an' haunt,
But he loved you he loved you,
How those little strains taunt,

Played in the back of my eyes,
The window of my soul,
The glass like stare,
Of the fragile china doll.

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Comments

Candlewitch

16 years 4 months ago

hello Madam F.

That's amazing! it needs a little bit of clean up, such as making all the an's (an) into "and", and using a real word instead of a symbol. Something coincidental is that one of my nick names is China Blue Doll, for the very same reasons that you wrote this poem. Always, Cat

Lunegirl

16 years 4 months ago

china blue doll

what a name.. for to much of a sad reason. this was a piece i did to rap out. I will try to do a spoken word form of it, im not sure how to at the moment. Its meant to be an instead of and, is there something i can do gramatically to convey this? what do you mean useing a real word instead of a symbol, as in which bit? Im pleased you like the poem, maybe we can do some work with other people on this topic?? let me know if you are interested vicki ; )

Candlewitch

16 years 4 months ago

hello

In this sentence: "Twisted + torn," the plus sign is a symbol. I've never been able to write about it, the guy who busted my jaw and otherwise made retched my whole existence, before. But I would like to try. I am interested. Always, Cat p.s. I think the spoken word is a great idea.

Lunegirl

16 years 4 months ago

i see now, ill sort that. I

i see now, ill sort that. I think that if you feel able to write about your experiences then it can be a good way of expressing and working through things. It can be painful but then it can be liberating. Also, as it is your experience then what you write to begin with is not write or wrong, as a poem its about what you want to convey and the structure or not structure form. I had help with mine in the form of feedback on other pieces and suggestions at what i could do as exercises to improve upon the flow, language of the content. Holla if you want to run ideas together vicki ; )

Pamela A. Lamppa

16 years 4 months ago

As they say - we leave when we leave.

"Faint strains of that tune, Left to whisper and haunt, But he loved you he loved you, How those little strains taunt," These lines compel tears, especially to one who can relate to domestic abuse/violence. As they say - we leave when we leave. You have written this situation from the soul and many will be able to relate and find a place here. You might consider changing "+" to "and" and the "an"s to "and" as well. However, removing them completely may not be a bad idea either as I read this again. Take stanza 1 Perhaps this: Battered bruised, bewildered, confused! Twisted, torn. Take no more, I’ve sworn! Line breaks for emphasis and brevity may serve to make this poem even more hard hitting that it already is. I will be anxious to read the series in its entirety. Wow. You have really touched a place in me. Thank you. ~Pamela

Lunegirl

16 years 4 months ago

Hey

So many woman that i read, and admired their work on here have said the same about experience. What still gets me is that i felt so ashamed, alone at the time, not now, but then... and so so many woman experience this at some point in their lives. I didn't mean it to, but writing this series has exoriced any lingering ghost of feeling embarrissed about what happened. Thankyou for commenting and in my comment above i asked about using grammer to convey the 'rap' style puchyness of the piece, i think you have done that with your edit. Thankyou vicki ; )

Ink Dragon

16 years 4 months ago

Dearest Vicki,

my take on this series is a much too personal one to critique mechanics. I remember the feeling of shame too vividly myself, and I think you are right: We can only leave that behind when we speak of the unspeakable... The worst part is not the bruises, it's the mindfucking (cannot say it any other way) that goes hand in hand with it. We are made to believe that we deserved what we got. We did not. But that takes some time to figure out. Yours, ~Nina

Seren

16 years 4 months ago

Dear Vix

it took forever to work out ... but when the penny drops it all becomes clear ... I read No.2 of this series and I think your becoming a force to be reckoned with here at neopoet ;) your a fast learner and it shows going to comment on the next one now I did it ass about face lol love and biggest hugs Jayne x x x

Lunegirl

16 years 4 months ago

well my dear, Im thinking

well my dear, Im thinking that there is alot of poetry ive read on here that is brilliant and i have sooooooo much to learn. But the progression you have seen has been enabled and encouraged by all the poeple who have given their time in guilding and giveing me such helpful feed back. thanks to neo members ; ) vicki