Mind bruised by thoughtful fists. part four

i tried
notto watch onin contemplative horrorthe following events. For starters,insults, always those cutting insultsWhore, slut, cunt, bitch.the build up,to a main course,tenderly administeredfrom fingers thatnever seem toquite lose their itch,for dessertthe grand finearlya bath of your finest spitin my face, on my hairfootsteps leaving echo’schased by the slamming door. sitting on the floorarms pulled to tightround knees, scrunched in safelyStaring, just staringnot taking in, the way the lightcatches the splattered tomato saucedripping down the wall, windows, ceilingpainting the radiator interesting shadesblankquick make my mind go blankdon’t think about the shakingthis kitchen floor is filthydo anything other than think about THATget up, get upbreathgoodness this kitchen is a MESScleanmechanically, meticulouslyIts going to be alrightIT IS going to be alright.  
Memories taken,  flat packedI don’t care,to pick theseparticular skeletons bare all excitedhome late from unibit drunkcelebrating highest gradefirst assignmentsitting on the toiletyour mad with methat lovely dinner you cookednow roasting on meon my essayanother stinging cheekmy purse calls empty againwhy do you always do that?when your mad ?hit me and take my money?eyes staring blankthe toilet my homefeeling me rockto and froto and fro the butternut squashdid you take the kids money?that knifepointing in at yourselfto deflect form the guiltshitwe struggleIts a gameA stupid fucking gameall show and no substancemy fingers broken, guests are due.we paint the table prettyI serveno pain to show.               
Oh la-lahideThe theaters hereshow such Jolie Du Verebe back soon. Broken glass and broken bonespolice invited by telephoneI hid under the bedI jumped through the windowand always it never happenedyou neversmashed my head against the doorheld the lighter to my hairgently wrapped around your loving fingersfingersalways those fingersface thrown in mineI'm on vacation againI don’t feel your flying spaceship fiststop inches from my mouthsaved by the rape alarmthat wasn’t even near melucky fluke

all Jerry springer
the room spins
the circus come to call
captain beef heart serenades us
the other woman
watches on
while you proclaim to not know me
me
I'm laughing now
within the bubble of shock
you only lived with me
for the last two years.
the audience gasp and clap

film role
just
a bad dream
waiting to finish
nightmare turned reality We’re near the end nowyou choose not to see the stainsas you changed the bed liningblood tears sweatin a tangleA disarrayour childmy childall gonenot fully grown in my bellythe wall is the home of my eyesI see her everywherein everythingno flowery language for thisone more kiss from your handsto seal the goodbye 
I
me
all lost and alone
grasping, grappling
drowning, dripping in your meanness
living in a cold reality
the barren hole
in my belly
stark reminder
each day
of what i chose to give up
what i felt forced to do
to taste peace in purgery At distanceIview these thingsthat happened thennow peacefully sleeping past