Orphani

Jan 05, 2010 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Van Gogh...night music of the dark hours

musically dark hours
Cicadas cadence in staccato rhythm

Nights dark symphony
wakes certain constellations loudly,

As sleep weeps; a moon rises

Celestial wheels conducting motions
constant orbiting; Van gogh's swirling circles

Above paths in cypress,
And olive inhalations

shadows dangle over falling convolutions
Leaving thick, and constant galaxies

Like an ear-less, piercing ring
Displaying near-less eyes

Sentencing the stars to downward spirals
In Sk'ys of common fingers

You receive my tears

— Orphani, Jan 05, 2010

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Critiques

DawningDaytripper

16 years 5 months ago

Thanks for sharing Barry. I

Thanks for sharing Barry. I am not sure I follow your repitition in the different uses of "You constantly orbit the circle" "Leaving thin and constant orbiting circles" Sounds a touch repetitive. May I suggest Leaving thin and persistant tracks, Or something similar. Just a thought. I really liked, Sentencing the stars, with their downward dreaming, great last line. Julie D.D.

Orphani

16 years 5 months ago

I mised that; as I put this

I mised that; as I put this out late . Thanks Julie.

Seren

16 years 5 months ago

Dear Barry

Again another brilliant write but I felt the use of Rhythm in the second and third lines lost the power or punch so to speak ... how about at the end of the first line you use flow or something else ??? maybe or 'cicadas cadence is chirrup' ... cicadas cadance in a flow ... soemthing like that you get what I mean i hope lol sorry bit scattered but I think with a couple of tweaks you got a winner here .. love and hugs Jayne x x

Orphani

16 years 5 months ago

Ya, you were right about

Ya, you were right about that. thanks for the tip.I think I got a little more juice out of it on this rewrite.You know how some poems just grab you with a pop of the button, and some don't; well this is in the; so - so area to me.They need that deep connecting wow factor. If they don't have it I know their mediocre, but it's nessessary to be relentless in refining out the dross to reach the silver.Apreciate the hand up. B

DawningDaytripper

16 years 5 months ago

I like the updated title. I

I like the updated title. I like the updated formatt. I like how you cleaned up the vocabulary. I am not so liking the change to the end. You lost me at ballerina. But overall is shaping up very nice. Thanks for sharing, I love watching poetry find life. Julie D.D.

Idlemindwondering

16 years 5 months ago

Your title caught me as I

Your title caught me as I made Van Gogh the center of my art degree; I have written many pieces derived from his letters as well as his paintings. I like your use of alliteration in this piece and I too think it has shaped itself well through updates, though I cannot seem to fully connect who receives the tears. Ken

Orphani

16 years 5 months ago

This poem will have to

This poem will have to evolve as I continue to study this great artist.I have again changed the ending becouse ifelt it had a trite perspective that didn't fit what should be the sum of Van Gogh's life it still falls way short, as I have not finished studying his life; I'm still in the Drenthe period.I love van Gogh because he made very little from his work; because people are always filled with prejudices and petty egotistical considerations; that blinds their eyes to true beauty.He solld his priceless works for those few gilders to barely buy food and art supplies.What would starry night fetch at action 31 million? They can buy his art but they will never know the man.The true beauty is in his vision which was priceless. B

DawningDaytripper

16 years 5 months ago

I now can officaly say I

I now can officaly say I like ALL of it. I find it leaps and bounds from where it started and a pure pleasure to watch come together! Julie

Idlemindwondering

16 years 5 months ago

I think we can know him by

I think we can know him by his work, though it is hind sight compared those who should have offered him more in life. Sad as his life might have been, I believe he would not have changed it much and he would be honored greatly by such movements as expressionism and impressionism and later cubism all tracing back to him. His worth has been much more than money. k

weirdelf

16 years 5 months ago

Ambitious. I love risk-takers

Your use of multiple senses is almost synesthetic, evoking Vincent's own problematic reality. The development of this poem is also laudable to see, you are using Neopoet exactly as it is intended. The only line that bothers me is "Van gogh’s swirling circles", which jars with the evocation of the rest, it is just descriptive. Cheers, Jess, reprehensibly irrepressible

Orphani

16 years 5 months ago

Yes,I tend to agree the line

Yes,I tend to agree Jess; the line is tepid.It's evocative of starry night, as you know,but is as you say. I am in the process of reading up on his biography and gaining an appreciation for his art.I think as my appreciation and understanding of his talent and humanity grow that it will improve, and grow along side. thanks for your insightful thoughts. B

pinksheep

16 years 5 months ago

Have

you posted an earlier version of this? If not do not worry it may be my mind playing tricks on me because I still love this. Regards-

Orphani

16 years 5 months ago

This poem is simply suKing

This poem is simply suKing wind I can't approach the subject yet, with anything like the reality. So I keep trying to stumble on to a bit of truth; like a monkey trying to look good in a summer dress; but one tries. B

Pamela A. Lamppa

16 years 5 months ago

“Above paths in

"Above paths in cypress, And olive inhalations shadows dangle over falling convolutions Leaving thick, and constant galaxies" These lines left me with such emotional value and visuals, I simply gasped. How creatively and tenderly you are able to convey his night sky, the scents of evening and the rush of air that surrounds both. Moving, quite moving through the painter's eyes, as poets write with the oils he used ... I enjoyed this one very much. Thank you. ~Pamela

Orphani

16 years 5 months ago

Thanks Pamela, This is still

Thanks Pamela, This is still a work in progress. Barry ,,,o,,