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sunscreen
sunscreen
Jan 04, 2010 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Short but sweet

Widespread feeling myself crumble
Dropping down to my knees.
It takes all that I have to hold back.
I want to steal you away
Taken astride I won't abide
You belong in my arms,
Until our gazes meet,
Our touch complete
I will be beaten in sad defeat.
— sunscreen, Jan 04, 2010

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doorman

doorman

16 years 5 months ago

Hi and welcome to

Hi and welcome to Neopoet! I've read through your stuff, you have a somber tone, indeed. Digging in the dark can be emotionally exhausting, but a gold mine, nonetheless. I like this write in particular because it portrays the certain melancholy by not being able to have what one wants,- a very human condition. The two last lines sum this up very nicely, and well written, by the way. A suggestion to line four and five. I find the endings a little superfluous. ''I want to steal you away and keep you (only for myself).'' ''Taken astride I won’t abide (by the rules).'' ''...keep you'' already has an air of imprisonment to it, and ''...I won't abide'' is quite evident of rules, laws and customs. Feel free to disregard my comments, of course. Respectfully, Espen
sunscreen

sunscreen

16 years 5 months ago

Thank you

I appreciate the comment, and the admiration, however if I were to edit this writing I believe that it would turn into something completely different then the intent I wrote it with. I have thought about it and decided that its the way I see it, and that is why I wrote it like that, I couldn't change it. Thanks a lot for the input though :)