theladyblue

Dec 29, 2009 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

What Soft Lies are Whispered

They say the land was torn apart
at the sound of your laugh.
They say the darkened skies parted
and lit on your behalf.

Tell me dear how our love could grow,
when your legend is known
by so many broken hearted?
I wear these walls alone.

They say you are the incarnate,
that you crafted the seas.
That you are infinitely blue;
the Nightingale’s disease.

Help me dear to craft a vessel
to aide our swift away.
Take me there; where the skies begin.
Or forlorn I will stay.

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Types of Narrative Poetry examples are epics, ballads, idylls and lays. For this contest I chose a Ballad since it is the one I dislike the most. It has a meter of 8/6/8/6 per stanza and a rhyme scheme of ABCB/DEFE/GHIH/JKLK and could be continued as such. I am exploring those things that put me out of my comfort zone lately (structured poetry being a huge one) so honest and helpful feedback is needed.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narrative_poetry

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ballad

— theladyblue, Dec 29, 2009

About This Poem

About the Author

Country/Region: USA

Critiques

anonymous1

16 years 5 months ago

I like this poem

For breaking out of your comfort zone, I applaud you. I don't like to work that hard! I think you executed this well, according to the synopsis of the Ballad that you provided - I would not have known otherwise. I checked the internal logic by reading aloud and then by reading it with switching stanzas two and three; it seems logical the way you wrote it. I like how you begin the first and third and second and fourth stanzas in the same manner. For consistency, I think the last two stanzas work together better than the first two. For example, you tie in crafting the seas in the third stanza with crafting a vessel for that sea in the fourth. The one answers to the other. I don't see the connection with the title clearly; could you stretch for another two stanzas to tie it together? Overall, I like this poem. It reminded me of when I was young and in love with an older, more experienced man. A legend indeed. Wish you the best in the outcome of the contest. Sincerely, Lisa

theladyblue

16 years 5 months ago

Thank your for your review and comments...

To say that I could not extend this piece for another two or more stanzas would be a lie because I could. However, I have said what I intended and at this point I would feel that I am talking over what I have already said. I know it seems that the second stanza and the title are out of left field when the rest of the piece is centered around similar wording but it does (in subject) tie in for me. I will break it down as I see and meant it : Title: Obviously what 'They say' is not true but people tend to tell such things with the sweet tenderness of remembering and can make almost anyone believe. Thus the 'lies are soft' and they are whispered because why shout when we willingly listen to such things, thus they are 'whispered'. Stanza 1: Introduction of subject and theme Stanza 2: Introduction of conflict Stanza 3: Reiterating subject and expanding Stanza 4: Offering a solution to conflict and alternate in last line This maybe totally lost to the reader and if it is that is solely my fault and I except full responsibility. And as far as it reminding you of your own personal legend...that was actually the intent exactly...that was a nail on the head. ;) Thank you again for your time and please let me know if this has helped in any way. <3 Emarie ________________________________________________________________________________ "i read you and see…that between the pen, paper and you…there is little room for me…" ~ heart breaker~ Go Live & Get Rewarded!!! Check us out at http://www.neopoet.com/forum/20761 & the Community Calender!!!

anonymous1

16 years 5 months ago

Thank you for the insight

Thank you for the insight and the helpful lesson.

orgami

16 years 5 months ago

just woke up at four this afternoon

sun going down laughter of kids the freind over sitting here half awake the sky darkening the orange clarity of a cold dusk beyond the blinds a cat on the chair behind me and reading this poem I am in awe of people who can move their brains like this artists who use their intellect my freeform shuffle cannot come close to this fine work Emarie wow going to go make a coffee and sit and watch the tube this is a cool poem and I greatly appreciate your talent here thank you poetess

Lonnie

16 years 5 months ago

I bask in your eloquence, dear Lady!

Such richness of language makes me feel like a poetic pauper in comparison! You certainly do have a special gift and it enriches us all! Awesome Poem!

Dalton

16 years 5 months ago

Dear Lady Blue

dear lady blue is this a conversation between Eve and God, it would seem so to me, as i understand it, one of your best so far. Love JohnX

orgami

16 years 4 months ago

I can "hear" you reading this

I do go and listen now and then to rendition readings of writers something fascinating connecting originality to originality that drives me to stillness and receptive calm so it is I read and am lulled by the words thank You!

lyz

16 years 4 months ago

Beautiful

Quite a dreamy read, well written and congrats. An honor to read. Love Lyz. XX

Bonitaj

16 years 4 months ago

Congratulations! THE LADYBLUE

That is what competitions are for: sorting the wheat from the chaff! This is indeed a most valuable little kernel of sorts, both nutritious and tasty! THanks Bonitaj

wolfycat

16 years 4 months ago

congratulations ~

on your accomplished win:)))

Millage

16 years 4 months ago

Wow!

Totally beautiful. Enough said. At least from me! Much love Millage x

Stuart Reiss

16 years 4 months ago

Has a bit of a Genesis feel

Has a bit of a Genesis feel to it...although I do prefer Phil Collins material these days The day that the creators favourite had her heart broken....still wondering if she found her one love...as its a long and costly search through space and time. What a wonderful write Lady blue....I guess everyone will perceive this poem differently hence the comments can be as interesting as the poems sometimes. History tells of such unique reunions quite often....at least every thousand years Best regards Stu :-)

Electric Blue

16 years 4 months ago

Whisper soft lies

Emarie Your second stanza seem the strongest to me or it just hit home. I felt i was answering the words out aloud Wonderful my dear friend Electric Blue

Ammus

16 years 3 months ago

about your work

ammus Hi, Its awsome..I liked it very much...

loved

16 years 2 months ago

AWESOME LOVELY

We poets Each one of us is unique I have no ability to comment, Nor correct, As any comma and full stop change, Will the poet’s originality derange? But five stars we must give So the poet is ready For his next kill. Gr8888888888 poetry Lovely Spot light worthy LOVED

Dalton

16 years 1 month ago

i don’t agree with

i don't agree with methodism in poetry. however experimentation is the true nature of the beast. kudos for your attempting something new for you. john x

loved

16 years ago

UR SIMPLY

MARVELLOUS..... I HOPE I HAVE said all that one perhaps could or should say to convey....