Cold breeze (haiku)

I love this sort of writing. Tried it at school many years ago but not so much after. I enjoyed this. I can picture sitting under such a tree. Love Lyz. XX

Loved it Nina, very charming. I have no idea about the styles you mentioned. But it defintely had the power of a haiku. Thank you for sharing that with us. Julie D.D.

Ohhhh I like this alot. Powerful imagery. I think spoken word with japanese music in the back ground would work well for this. vix ; )

Yes I do, dear Nina, this is lovely. The Bird of Summer is only a memory. And this means that you too have snow there in Germany? I think so, such poetry comes from the seasons, I have written something looking out of the window at the snow laden view, while exercising on a walking machine to avoid going out in the low temperatures perhaps I will avoid getting your sore throat, hope it gets better soon Nina.

How the hell did my comment not post I left one the night you posted and just realised I hadnt been receiving emails for it ... brilliant haiku Nina Love and mountains of hugs Jayne x x x

I like this very much also Nina. Magics02

Subject: y Structure: y Meter: 3 Clarity 5 Style: 4 Suggestions: Haiku traditionally allows some philosophical or emotion allusion Conclusion: I said yes to structure even though the last line lacks a syllable because I believe it works for the flow, and this is written in English, no Japanese. It gives an evocative dieing fall to the work. Cheers, Jess, reprehensibly irrepressible

a cold breeze stirs loose snow from tree tops no swallows fly Subject: (Y/N) Y Structure: (Y/N) Y Meter: (1-5) 5 Clarity (1-5) 4 Style: (1-5) 4 Suggestions: I am pausing slightly at the end of each line, not a full comma pause but the slight pause a line break instills. This is creating a stumble between line 1 and 2 as I feel that they should be spoken together. The slight pause works perfectly between line 2 and 3, thus creating an uneven feel to the reading. Line 1 is a solid line, a thought unto itself, there just needs to be a better transition into or during line 2 to smooth the structure. I hesitate to make a concrete suggestion other than to have you revisit it and determine a method to impart a cleaner transition. Conclusion: Clarity and style both suffer slightly from the uneven execution between line 1 and 2. By having a pause the flow of the piece is jarred and the reader must work at establishing a separate rhythm for each line. Notes: For the purposes of the workshop, this is spot on. Not only are the constraints met but your research shows you dug deeper and applied the feel of Japanese poetry by including the "on" or sound unit concept, thus ignoring rigid syllable counts. Well done indeed. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Cheers, Jess, reprehensibly irrepressible