Conjured Minds

I wish you the happiest of years ahead also. The best to you lovely lady. Mona

Thank you Lyz as this past two days I felt the pain of my sons heart more then ever before...the sweet 17 year old son of mine that has the absent of a father that brang tears to his eyes and pain to my heart..some words spoken as I hugged him and words I will never be able to shake from the very core of my body. Mothers take the childs pain 10 times more then they do and now I realize what my own Mother was talking about so many years ago. I will talk more about it later to you as it stirred up some of my own emotions and feelings of the same man he talked about, the same pain I went through with him he now is doing to his son whom he does not even know..sorry didnt mean to get too personal on this because I hold my son up and in my very own heart. A Mother for sure that thinks more of her child then her own self..nothing so precious then the love of the child you bore. Well that is in my opinion at least. Love you lyz and Happy New Year to you and yours also. Peace my lady xxoxoxoo Ms Mona

Yes it was a hard thing for me and for him. How do you explain to a child of yours about their father when there is no rhyme or reason why he does not come around, other than the disease of alcoholism in itself which ruined many a relationship, including mine and his dads. But to live 5 minutes aways from his son and has only seen him a couple of times since birth and says he loves him but does not show up for his birthday or times when he said he was picking up. This year as my son has gotten older he speaks of him more and he cried and I felt his pain of all the years he sits and thinks on his dad, how he would love to see him and how he feels its his fault, that the dad has abandoned him and he does not care. I beleive the father dosent know how to be dad like. You know that saying how does it go something like you can always be a dad but it takes ....to be a father, I can not remember it all right now. I have explained to my son in no way will it ever be his fault, I have explained the drinking issue and always tell him it is still his dad no matter what. The experts would say it may be better he does not have a relationship with him due to the nature of the father and the disease, and maybe I see that also. As a single mom sometimes it is better for a child to have one supportive parent then two that do not see eye to eye or one that sees only the glass half full. I had to call him the next day (day after Christmas) and all the things I held in for 25 years finally came out along with the plead and the words his son spoke, the tears it was really hard on him and harder on me but I did not break down till he had gone to bed that nite and I sat alone thinking about it. As long as I can remember the love I carry for Christmas season and how his dad hated it and faught about it every year and now that I am not even in his life that way, how he still holds the torch to try to suppress our holiday cheer and ruin it as he did in the past. With Joseph being born on Christmas Eve nite it even has more meaning to me then ever as it is his birthday and it was a special year that eve of 1992 when he was born for the entire families. and mostly myself.. The excuse for the abandoment was because I didnt marry him(this is what he just told me after 17 years)..omg..it has been 18 years since our departure of our relationship and to say that is why the child should suffer due to mother not marrying is beyond comprehension...I can not buy that as an excuse to take it out on the child. I believe he never let go of me and I understand that but for goodness sake let me go once and for all, afterall he was the one who was the cheat not I..I was his victim... we wont go there on that one for sure as I am sharing alot of things about my life now as I type this...relect...hmmm.. Ever since my son was born I wanted him to have a relationship with his dad but how do you make that happen without the other party participation? it was not me to make that choice, it was his and his alone...I pray someday he may wake up and see all that he has missed in his boys life and just what he is doing to him now as a young teen. All I can do now is pray and be the mom that I have been to my son, who is such a wonderful loving strong boy who cares, about people and also has a heart of gold and now I finally seen the part of his heart that has been silently hurting for so long for lack of love from his dad. Thank goodness Pop-pop and my brothers are ever so close to him and they do things with him. He has the love of this great family that know of him and even though his dad's side do not keep in touch with him, it is something I can never figure out or wonder about, but in a sense I have pain from that. I too have learned lately to let go of alot of things and it is more peaceful for me its just this one is too hard to let go completely for I know the time is come now that it will be done for me. My feelings and my son must do the same on his clock and in his own way. That is how I raised him and that is how I know he will grow up. Thank you for listening here and know that my heart is heavy at this present time and I hope if there are any single parents out there that have this same situation to know your not alone and if there are mom and dads out there that dont tell thier kids they love them then maybe, just a small maybe, they may pick up the phone and call them to tell them before they never have the chance for them to hear your spoken words. It is sad how many children have passed without the spoken word of love in their ears, or the missed hugs at night and kisses. Alot of children in our world today are missing out on the love of a parent or parents. Our children are our future and so to raise them the best way we were raised and to instill in them good values of life as difficult as it may be, as it is not always that bed of roses...I am from a loving, cherished family oriented lifestyle. I can only wish and pray for those that do not share this value as I know it is the most valued possession of one, the love of the family life, the importance of family life. Keeping the love and peace I hold so close to me and to share with all whom I come in contact with and most of all to hold my son close, is my most valued sentiment and feeling. He is a gift from God, my precious son. And yes Lyz I am very proud of him indeed. Thank you for letting me share a big part of my life with you today. Anyone wishing to so comment on this for me is greatly appreciated as I have had some comment on my pm and it is okay to share with me your own thoughts on this, I shall read it with open arms. Thanks for reading Love, Mona

And where have you been my Maestro Man.. Miss you honey. Love Aunti Mona xoxoxo Learn to live, learn to forgive. Life is too short.