Snarling At Sunrise

I'm not that familiar with Haiku,but I liked it.I'm not sure if I understand these,it's a bit abstract to me.I think you used "kamikazes" cause it fits to the structure of poem,since they both have to do with Japan.

I do like this form of poetry. And it is nice to see a new one from you. Cold, death, mourning. That is what I get from this. I could ramble about this one but I wont. Well written. Love Lyz. XX

Subject: y) Structure: y Meter: 5 Clarity 3 Style: 4 Suggestions: You somehow get an almost mixed metaphor in 3 short lines! Thief anthropomorphises. Paws makes an animal metaphor. And divine wind is surely a different anthropomorphism. Methinks a bit much, muddles the imagery. Conclusion: The structure and meter are impeccable. Clarity and Style suffer due to the mixed metaphors aforementioned. Cheers, Jess, reprehensibly irrepressible

Subject: (Y/N) N Structure: (Y/N) Y Meter: (1-5) 4 Clarity (1-5) 2 Style: (1-5) 3 Suggestions: Retitling this might help the clarity of the poem. E.g. "A breeze at sunrise" or "Sunrise air" would point to the subject more clearly than "At sunrise". "Kamikazes" is a fancy eyecatcher, but might be reconsidered and possibly replaced with another word. Conclusion: The connection to the workshop constraints regarding the subject (air/breeze/wind/etc.) is not clear. Without knowing that this is an entry in this workshop, it would be hard to detect that a breeze or wind or air are the "thief of winter", paw "at kamikazes" and "slew euphoria", therefore a 2 is given for clarity and, as the subject is not clear, a "no" for subject . A consistent metre can be found, and the given structure of 5/7/5 syllables is adhered to. "Euphoria" might be too far a stretch for a traditional haiku, but the given reference says: "While traditional Japanese haiku has focused on nature and the place of humans in it, some modern haiku poets, both in Japan and the West, consider a broader range of subject matter suitable, including urban contexts. While pre-modern haiku avoided certain topics such as sex and overt violence, contemporary haiku sometimes deal with such themes." The poem succeeds in structure nevertheless and it is also very evocative, so that a 3 for style is given. Notes: No mention of air/breeze/wind/etc. "Slew" (l.3): is it the past tense of "slay" or the present tense of "slew"? (Reminder: haikus are usually written in the present tense) First line is impeccable, a great image and it adds the seasonal reference.

Subject: y Structure: y Meter: 5 Clarity: 4 Style: 5 Suggestions: Though we know the subject, it would be a little open to interpretation when it comes to the public. Many might argue that you could be speaking of the sun for instance...now this may be a stretch but it is a possibility that occurred to me. Conclusion: I do like this revised version to the original. I can not find a flaw other than the slight question on clarity. Very well done! <3 Emarie ________________________________________________________________________________ "i read you and see…that between the pen, paper and you…there is little room for me…" ~ heart breaker~ Go Live & Get Rewarded!!! Check us out at http://www.neopoet.com/forum/20761 & the Community Calender!!!

Yes, Jonathan, this does read better. How big a difference small things can make. Awaiting your shredding of my own attempt at haiku now, do your worst, everyone. Yours, ~Nina

Cheers, Jess, reprehensibly irrepressible