The Siren Sea

Widowed winds from breathless seas
cast ashore their nightshade breeze,
copper corn in golden stacks
wincing from the fieldman's axe

Shadows banished by the tide
blanket meadows with their scythe
shotgun casings form neat rows
bloody steps from fallen crows

Ocean spray floats and springs
rests upon earthbound wings
tightened talons seal the cage
one last journey to the feasting stage

The stream resists the siren sea
splashing out its final plea
but all return as all do know
the wind again begins to blow

— eliaszizou, Dec 26, 2009

About This Poem

About the Author

Country/Region: IRL

Critiques

raskin

16 years 5 months ago

I like this

I like your rhyme scheme here. I'll come back and read this one again, think about it. raskin

Seren

16 years 5 months ago

chairmanro

A mark of a good write is when the reader doesnt notice the rhyme ... and with this one i didnt notice till after I had read it that it had rhymed lol so engrossed was I ... marvelous you are fast becoming a favourite of mine kind regards Jayne

poewriter58

16 years 5 months ago

Chairmanro

Your first line grabs the readers interest, this is the sign of good writing. What a beautiful impressive work this is. The rhyme is lulling Excellent work May I make a small suggestion you have written a work of art here then gave it such a bland title The first thing your reader will see is the title you want something that will grab their attention and want them to read more repeat what was done in your first line. This poem is so well written it would be painful if not read and passed by because of the title therefore looking to the body of the poem I am struck by a title such as The siren's breath or even something as simple as the first two words of the opening line Widowed Winds These are only suggestions or examples to illustrate a point Chrys

eliaszizou

16 years 5 months ago

ChrysA thousand thanks for

Chrys A thousand thanks for the kind words and taking the time to read. You're spot on about the title, I wanted to post while the ink was still wet in my mind and you can only do so with a title so i grasped the closest breeze......thanking you again If you have the time to look at my other work I'd greatly appreciate a critical eye. I began writing 2 weeks ago and need any suggestions from experienced wordsmiths to guide me along this lonesome old brook, that would be like a lit torch on my path Ronan

Orphani

16 years 5 months ago

Great metered verse with

Great metered verse with deep emotional content. My feeling about titles is that they should be the distilled soul of the poem.