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Class 1A - Poetic Licence (Un-restricted)

He sees himself as nothing else,

He sees himself deflecting.

He knows himself, there’s something else

And still he’s not reflecting.

He tries to blame his thoughts of shame,

On things that he can see.

He’s taking score of every flaw,

Of his analogy.

 

An alliteration

Of his categoric scopic?

Personification

Of his metaphoric logic?

 

He searches at his own pace,

Placing to its place

Then thinking how he could replace

The things he has misplaced

(by other hims)

The forgotten things, the just in case.

So careful not to lose his face.

 

Despite the glaring honesty

He forfeits poetic license

For what?

He asks me when it does not matter,

(Re-ignition of the mindless chatter)

For a moment...

 

A barked command to play his hand

And violence takes its silence

 

Don’t fold

As the air grows cold

The noises of the old and told

He remoulds a mouldy, moulded mould

And beholds a hand of scolding gold.

 

All can see his house is full

Of lighted royalty.

He’s swimming in the Hard to Sea

Of Knowing;

He can be...


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themoonman

themoonman

16 years 4 months ago

Damo...

I like it, but... to me, it would be a much more powerful poem if written in the first person tense, just an opinion! The way it is though actually turned out pretty good. The flow does seem to falter in the third stanza, (by other hims) it is a great thought added and I can understand any reluctance you would have in removing it, maybe you can reword part of that stanza to include the thought and still keep the original flow of the first stanza... although, I tend to break flow too, and sometimes it works better than other times. of light, of royalty... maybe instead of a stop there, of light and royalty or of lighted royalty a very good first post, I can see you've been writing a while, good luck and welcome again to the site. ps... put a title on this, it will draw more reads Richard
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Damo

16 years 4 months ago

Thanks for your comment,

Thanks for your comment, Richard - much appreciated. I was using a bit of poeting licence there with the '(other hims)' line in relation to the next line - 'The forgotten things'. The third is actually my favourite stanza - because of it's deviation away from the first. I hear your point though. I have incorporated your feedback re: 'lighted royaly' - I love that wording - it literally creates a closer relationship between the 2. Now it's time for me to have a look at some of your work! Look forward to it now!
Seren

Seren

16 years 4 months ago

Dear Damo

welcome to the site ... I really like what you did with richards suggestions and I think its great ... by the way its nice to have another aussie mucking up the place lol we tend to be fiesty lot lol nice to meet you kind regards Jayne Btw I live about three hours north of you lol ;)
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Damo

16 years 4 months ago

Thanks for the welcome. Nice

Thanks for the welcome. Nice to meet you too - wasn't sure if there were many of us here! A bit of good ol' Aussie Push Back never hurt anyone! Thanks for the positive feed back. As mentioned I wrote this a few years ago but this is the first time I have shared it in any forum -either on-line or 'real-time'. Look forward to checking some of your stuff out now! This is fun!
Seren

Seren

16 years 4 months ago

he he he bit of push back

he he he bit of push back never killed anyone I like how you think ... btw if your looking for other aussies ... weirdelf like you is in Sydney and is a bloody genius hes a fount of good advice and has been and awesome friend to me Fleur macdonald is another aussie in sydney beautiful lady ... Anni/cloudthings from Victoria ... Pleiades from Victoria ... they are just a few off the top of my head ... ohhhh and Craig Norris hes from NSW lovely bloke and they are all wonderful poets ... hope that helped in finding some aussies to read lol kind regards love Jayne x
Seren

Seren

16 years 4 months ago

Oh and if you want a few

Oh and if you want a few others to read ... bjp and Anastaz ia and Kalishana ..Ink dragon I noticed you found Moonman ... OMG i forgot one of my own friends how bads that lol BossCombats one of my cloest friends we are great mates he lives in newcastle and hes a bass player in a band there :) there really is so many but if your ever looking for someone good to read dont hesitate to ask I am one of the sites guides its my job but I love doing it ... kind regards love Jayne
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Damo

16 years 4 months ago

Thanks - there’s heaps for

Thanks - there's heaps for me to get lost in there! This site is awesome... eveyone's so helpful as well...love it! Thanks again!
weirdelf

weirdelf

16 years 4 months ago

Another strong wordcafter in our midst, and an Aussie too! Cool

Really enjoyed this write, smart yet playful. Till I read you afterword I thought that the tripping scansion was a kind of sub-textual metaphor, like a kid skipping down the street, playing with different step combinations. I'm not convinced it isn't, you seem to be pretty much in control of your language. Love the line And violence takes its silence and Of lighted royalty. Love it all actually. I see Jayne accused me of being a genius but she failed to mention that I can also be a very harsh critic. People around here tend to love me or hate my guts. So when you click on "I want the raw truth...", be sure you mean it. Cheers, Jess, reprehensibly irrepressible
Seren

Seren

16 years 4 months ago

Sorry Jess you can bash me

Sorry Jess you can bash me with a big stick when I get to see you in Sydney lol love and huggliest bugs Jayne x x
weirdelf

weirdelf

16 years 4 months ago

No wuzzas, possum,

you can call me a genius anytime, but Damo, I might have to bash her for not mentioning two of my favourite poets here orgami and quillsvein1 Cheers, Jess, reprehensibly irrepressible
Seren

Seren

16 years 4 months ago

Bash away I was having

Bash away I was having trouble remembering so many wonderful poets I had planned to steer him on other paths lol hahahah but hes right Damo O and GB are some of my favourites as well ... glad I could help though ... Pssst Jess ;)and I see Damo has settled in nicely I think hes going to be another bonus for the site ... big smiles and merry christmas to you both love and hugs Jayne x x
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Damo

16 years 4 months ago

I wouldn’t be ‘here’

I wouldn't be 'here' if I didn't want the 'truth...'!! Bring it! I have been sitting on quite a bit of stuff for a few years now and just don't have the time to test it amongst my 'peers' - this site works perfectly. Wish I found it sooner. And the (other hims) serves a few purposes...though after reading your stuff with all it's layers, my sub-text seems thinly guised.
themoonman

themoonman

16 years 4 months ago

Aww Crikey...

another Aussie, if I'd known that... I woulda laid out the wallaby welcome! I see you've been very busy on your first day on site, there are lots of good poets from Australia here and all over... loved the title you added to this one. welcome again! Richard
Kailashana

Kailashana

16 years 4 months ago

Well, what can I say that

Well, what can I say that hasn't already been said? Except that I'd leave out the last two lines, Damo. ~A Don’t let your victories go to your head, or your failures go to your heart.
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Damo

16 years 4 months ago

Thanks Richard - it’s like

Thanks Richard - it's like a revalation. I have been looking for something like this in Sydeny but I was looking off-line... this is great and there's some really great stuff to discover... looking forward to really getting invloved. And thanks for reading, Kailashana and for your feed back. I have considered removing them too but I think, style-wise, it impacts on the flow and rhyme. If you can tell me why you reckon they should go, I might consider it further :-)
Sinbadthesailorman

Sinbadthesailorman

16 years 4 months ago

I love this

I don't now why' but I do The *hims* is quite intersting to me Maybe Try Hymns or Fellows it works for me this way though and throws out a hint, but to what Intresting Very nice write Sinbad/Donnie
I

Ink Dragon

16 years 4 months ago

Late to the party...

Hi Damo, actually, the flow isn't half bad. A couple of teensy tiny suggestions: He’s taking score of every flaw,/In his analogy. An alliteration/in categoric scopic?/Personification/Of metaphoric logic? (Too many "of"s can be off-putting ;) Placing to its place (falls a bit short, placing what? to its place) The things that got misplaced/by other hims (by doesn't work with active voice) Liked the end, the pun on see/sea, and found many interesting word choices. Yours, ~Nina