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M
MrRee
Dec 20, 2009 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Lake Erie Enchantment - A pebble chorus

as waves roll along the shore
washing over the beach
during the quiet of the evening
pebbles tumble in the surf

washing over the beach
the water rolls in and draws back
pebbles tumble in the surf
dancing in the retreat of the waves

the water rolls in and draws back
with the water go the pebbles
dancing in the retreat of the waves
singing softly of their freedom

with the water go the pebbles
a chorus in the moonlight
singing softly of their freedom
their voices find our ears

a chorus in the moonlight
during the quiet of the evening
theirs voices find our ears
as the waves roll along the shore

— MrRee, Dec 20, 2009

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Country/Region: USA

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Critiques

A

Arrow

16 years 5 months ago

Good theme for a pantoum!

I love pantoums. You chose the repeating lines well. They come together beautifully at the end. I esp. like the last line of stanza 3. I do wonder if it is "with the water GO the pebbles" as the pebbles, not the water, are going. This was enchanting and you have more pantoums somewhere? I must go see later.
M

MrRee

16 years 4 months ago

Thank you

There always seem to be one or two lines that are, lets say weak, when constructing these things. I think your suggestion fits like a favorite shoe, comfortably clarifying that pair of lines. I really appreciate your help. :^) monty
Seren

Seren

16 years 4 months ago

Dear MrRee

I have read a lot of poetry but this ones new, even for me ... I had not heard of pantoum nor read one ... thoroughly enjoyed the experience ... you got me thinking anyway thank you for that well done .. And Arrows suggestions a solid one kind regards Jayne-Chloe
M

MrRee

16 years 4 months ago

Thank you for reading

I made the change as Arrow suggested... sometimes when you are sitting too close to your work you miss such things... that is what I like about posting here... lots of good minds to caress the words... thank you for your new interest in an old form. it is not seen too often, that is why I decided to attenpt it. And the fact that it can be really challenging to get everything to come together at the end. I have some more that need to be critiqued and made better. Hopefully we can revive an interest in this form. Sincerely, Monty