Batteries not included

I could not see what I had grabbed ,
but with it… I must defend.
It was quite long with a plastic feel, 
and heavy on one end,

I could sense the danger, 
as I listened more intent. 
Getting a better grip on it
I noticed it was slightly bent.

The noise kept growing louder ,
started coming up the stairs.
I was a trembling mass of skin and bones,
yanking on my hair .

But I won’t run, no I wont hide,
I gotta stand and fight !
Her folks sure got a fine howjado,
when my wife turned on the light .

There I was dressed to kill 
praying to my creator, 
with my weapon poised to strike, 
her trusty pink vibrator .

Seems I had forgotten,
It just slipped my mind,
when I turned around to tell my wife, 
a gasp came from behind ! 

Turning on a dime I cried 
now what’s this all about?
it seems my trap door had fallen 
and my butt was hanging out .

Well my mother-inlaw had seen enough,
she went screaming down the stairs .
The old man thought I just mooned his wife 
So he kicked me I think you know where.

He goes down to calm her mom 
as I’m rolling on the floor
my wife she thinks it’s kinda cute 
but me , I’m kinda sore .

Next time I won’t be so brave 
on this I take an oath
I’ll stay in bed cover up my head
and let them kill us both
 
By Jove !