Pugilist

Dec 17, 2009 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Of Quests and Hopes and Hummingbirds

Of Quests and Hopes and Hummingbirds

Oh the river Silk is a dream
Of vagrant moments caught mid-stream,
Transcending thoughts and arcane plots
And bringing craft that travel there
Safely ashore from. . . everywhere.

I ventured near one brilliant eve,
Stepped on the Spark and took my leave
And watched the haze obscure my gaze
As banks of gold tarnished from view
Like random thoughts recalled askew.

A soft rainbow of reverie
Extended transcendentally
And so obscured all that occurred
Within the moments of my mind;
A soft perception not unkind.

I walked the Spark's nomadic length
And gathered both resolve and strength
For I was fain to ascertain
If Fortune's opportunity
Might grant me fervent charity,

When at my side a voice whispered
I gazed in awe as I concurred
With a request at her behest
I brushed my lips across her hand
And pushed away an errant strand

Of hair of midnight hues complex,
Her eyes were grey with diamond flecks,
They pinned my will and would fulfill
Each careless hope I might remit
Should fate and chance one day permit.

The evening on the river flared
And stars postured as if they dared
Brashly compete in their conceit
With her resplendent beauty bright
That shames the day and quells the night.

For passion is a hummingbird,
Though rarely glimpsed, so often heard
It hovers near and waits in fear
And flutters its millenniums
Yet never wavers or succumbs.

The river trembled and I knew
This pilgrimage of mine was through
And strode alone on banks of stone
And stood engaged in reveries
Composing hopes by calm degrees;

For the river Silk is a dream
Of vagrant ardor caught mid-stream,
Transcending thoughts and arcane plots
And bringing all who travel there
Safely, to love, from everywhere.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is my overdue contest entry example for the December 2009 contest which abides by the following rules:

Narrative poetry
Tells a fictional story
Must include the following:
- Two (2) humans
- One (1) animal
- One (1) vehicle
100 lines or less
Prize: $ 25 Amazon.com gift certificate
Contest code:123109

I choose bound or structured verse with a 5 line stanza and a rhyme scheme of:

A
A
BB
C
C

Because I wanted the challenge.

This poem, coincidentally enough, was started before the article on metaphor was published on Neopoet but, as I hope is obvious, it is laden with metaphor.

You need not follow any such constraints, just the basic rules but, as of yet, there are no contest entries, which will save us money, truth be told, but saddens me none-the-less.

As for the poem itself, I had trouble finding the starting point. I knew I wanted a river journey but that was about it. What developed was an accident based off of the first line. I wrote "The river Silk is a dream" instead of "The river Silk is like a dream" and then was captured by the image. From there I decided to blend in my recent focus on passion poetry and to reference rather than exactly abide by the rules of the contest.

After all, at the end of the day, all we know actually existed was the main character. The rest, well, it's a state of mind, rather like poetry.

So, where are your entries?

As always, harsh critique is welcome. I've worked on this for several weeks but I see some rough patches remaining and hope others might aid me in identifying areas for improvement.

— Pugilist, Dec 17, 2009

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: Jacksonville area, FL, USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Keats, Kipling, Carroll, Yeats, Tolkien, Shakespeare

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Critiques

weirdelf

16 years 5 months ago

A crystalline beauty here Jonathon

Beautifully constructed, as I would expect. For me it lacks a gut emotional tug, you know I'm fond of vicera, breakfast, lunch etcetera. A couple of minor scansion things caught my ear and something I can't put my finger on. 2nd stanza something jars my ear in the sound of the relative rhymes eve, aze, ew. Don't ask me to explain, I can't. Maybe its the vowel/consonant vs consonant/vowel. A soft rainbow of reverie buts the stress on bow. At my elbow a voice whispered puts the stress on pered Building my hopes by calm degrees; maybe Building hopes by calm degrees; similarly I trembled at the slight quiver As we retired from the river. the stress is half off Like I said, marginal stuff. Wouldn't it be nice to write songs where you can multiple stress feet by 10 and add a warble? Cheers, Jess, reprehensibly irrepressible

Jonathan Moore

16 years 5 months ago

Thank you, as always

Your suggestions were excellent and I have revisited the piece with a mind to smoothing things out. The second stanza is as yet untouched, I need more consideration on it, but I have made substantial modifications based on the rest of your notes including, I hope, giving it a more weighty ending. I also reverted to the original name I had for the piece. It's a word order thing but I have found, with a night's sleep, I like the alliteration better and have re-instated it. Thanks again for the comments and suggestions. Not only do they make a huge difference, they are also the only reason I am part of Neopoet. We are a poetry workshop I hear. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

weirdelf

16 years 5 months ago

there is a rumour going round to that effect

but I see little evidence. Perhaps we can help make it so. Cheers, Jess, reprehensibly irrepressible

Tam the Chanter

16 years 5 months ago

majestic

Jonathan I really enjoyed this poem, though I know this observation is not what you want to hear. My skills are not sufficiently enhanced to give you a worthwhile crit., all I feel competent to say is this; the quality of your writing is giving word wringers and rhyme rippers like me a bench mark to aim for Kindest Regards Ian T

Jonathan Moore

16 years 5 months ago

Thank you for the kind words

In all honesty, I mean that. You have offered me sound advice on other work and I know should other thoughts occur to you on this piece, you will not hesitate to let me know. And I appreciate your time and review and I know I am overdue on your work but, I am glad to see, you have submitted an entry to the December contest. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

magics02

16 years 5 months ago

Wonderful

I really enjoyed this write Puglist and I imaged the whole way through. Very nicely done and I would not change a thing about it...as I love hummingbirds and I really love the river... magics02

weirdelf

16 years 5 months ago

me like

Cheers, Jess, reprehensibly irrepressible

Jonathan Moore

16 years 5 months ago

I was bothereed by the transition between stanza 3 and 4

So I've added what I believe is a smoother flow but will let this set for a few days and review. Comments and thought are always welcome. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Tam the Chanter

16 years 5 months ago

SECOND TIME ROUND

I've read it again and am even more convinced of its sheer class. Jonny, my boy, this is a poem to be proud of( or should I say "of which to be proud")lol Congrats. Ian

Jonathan Moore

16 years 5 months ago

Ian

Thanks for the additional review it is greatly appreciated. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Seren

16 years 5 months ago

I read the first version and

I read the first version and I have read this version ... there is nothing left to change unless you feel the need .. good work -Jayne-Chloe

sha_onarainyday

16 years 5 months ago

Sorta like Dante being led

Sorta like Dante being led by Virgil. I enjoyed the journey. The rhyme scheme works well, giving the piece an ethereal quality. The imagery is effective. i appreciate how the story comes back full circle, for as they say, you've haven't really been anywhere until you've come back home (I stole that from the Light Fantastic actually). bravo, sha

Jonathan Moore

16 years 5 months ago

Thanks for the insight and comments

So, will we see an entry from you for the December contest? --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

yenti

16 years 5 months ago

Jonathan

Loved this piece and it as you were the first entry for Dec it will win hands down, just excuse my being a little late with putting a piece there, I can't understand why with all our members, there are not more involvment with the day to day things and how poems can be missed where some of our poets are overwhelmed with praise, thank you for your read of poems and the comments, they should be well received. Have a great New Year, Yours Ian.T

Jonathan Moore

16 years 5 months ago

Ian

Thanks for the kind words and review of this piece. I also wish people would branch out more and read and comment on the work of others but I fear many people treat Neopoet like Facebook and use it to get affirmation in their lives rather than as a workshop. Over time I have come to the conclusion that I cannot force people to participate in the workshop environment and with that realization I have ruffled more than a few feathers, which was intended. As for the contest, as Contest Director I cannot enter but I do love to force myself to write in the different formats and although I do not enter the contests, writing an example entry has been a very good exercise for me and forces me to write a poem a month, along with anything else I may be writing. So the payback is fairly huge for me. Who knows, Suck Free Poetry Vol 3 may come out in 2010 rather than 2011 as scheduled, all due to my contest entries. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

yenti

16 years 4 months ago

Jonathan

All the years I have loved to write, but not for the Stars or the shinning of lights, I write maybe because it is there, to put on paper and someone somewhere may find something in there to let them rise up a little and look at the beauty that is theirs to have. When I try something new and put it on stream there the results are the same and the small crowd that gathers at each poem sometimes seldom changes. This is where you make such a change to the daily way of things in that you tell them how it is and about construction etc: I wish that we could move away from this set way that is with us. I feel that your comments on, say my work would be a bonus, but you cannot possibly run with everyone and comment in depth on all pieces that are put on stream. Maybe we should have different levels of writing, or places on Neopoet where people as myself could put writing just for writings sake, then the ones that matter more could have a class or two where the work load would be less for the ones that can train Poets or those that need more help. Stupidly I have something like Two hundred Pieces on Neo and sometime I feel that ten would be enough, but what then do I do with the others as some are written for the site. Maybe a structure change and a publishing section where as most Poets know is mainly a Vanity thing if you are in the outside world. I thank you for being there for a lot of poets and hope that you will stay as you are a great teacher and Mentor to this site, Yours Ian.T

Orphani

16 years 5 months ago

Firstly I want to say I

Firstly I want to say I think this is a very creative poetic writing. I am not that familiar with rhyme, and I wonder how the break in structure effects the perceived quality of the piece ,as in in this poem ,this stanza fails to conform to rhyme skeem. When at my side a voice whispered I gazed in awe as I concurred With a request at her behest I brushed my lips across her hand And pushed away an errant stran I choose bound or structured verse with a 5 line stanza and a rhyme scheme of: A A BB C C I really enjoyed reading this but I have that question. Barry ,,,o,,

Jonathan Moore

16 years 5 months ago

I'm not sure I understand the question

Orphani

16 years 5 months ago

I never knew the varieties

I never knew the varieties of ways that are considered to be rhyme.You are right. as the last syllable [ed] is sufficient to constitute a rhyme.I stand corrected and enlightened.Barry ,,,o,, .................................................................................. Perfect rhymes Perfect rhymes can be classified according to the number of syllables included in the rhyme. masculine: a rhyme in which the stress is on the final syllable of the words. (rhyme, sublime) feminine: a rhyme in which the stress is on the penultimate (second from last) syllable of the words. (picky, tricky) dactylic: a rhyme in which the stress is on the antepenultimate (third from last) syllable (cacophonies, Aristophanes) [edit] General rhymes In the general sense, rhyme can refer to various kinds of phonetic similarity between words, and to the use of such similar-sounding words in organizing verse. Rhymes in this general sense are classified according to the degree and manner of the phonetic similarity: syllabic: a rhyme in which the last syllable of each word sounds the same but does not necessarily contain vowels. (cleaver, silver, or pitter, patter) imperfect: a rhyme between a stressed and an unstressed syllable. (wing, caring) semirhyme: a rhyme with an extra syllable on one word. (bend, ending) oblique (or slant/forced): a rhyme with an imperfect match in sound. (green, fiend; one, thumb) assonance: matching vowels. (shake, hate) Assonance is sometimes used to refer to slant rhymes. consonance: matching consonants. (rabies, robbers) half rhyme (or sprung rhyme): matching final consonants. (bent, ant) alliteration (or head rhyme): matching initial consonants. (short,ship) It has already been remarked that in a perfect rhyme the last stressed vowel and all following sounds are identical in both words. If this identity of sound extends further to the left, the rhyme becomes more than perfect. An example of such a "super-rhyme" is the "identical rhyme", in which not only the vowels but also the onsets of the rhyming syllables are identical, as in gun and begun. Punning rhymes such are "bare" and "bear" are also identical rhymes. The rhyme may of course extend even further to the left than the last stressed vowel. If it extends all the way to the beginning of the line, so that we have two lines that sound identical, then it is called "holorhyme" ("For I scream/For ice cream"). Note that "identical rhymes" are sometimes considered worse-rhyming than perfect rhymes, although they match on more letters. [edit] Eye rhyme Main article: Eye rhyme Though not strictly rhymes, eye rhymes or sight rhymes refer to similarity in spelling but not in sound, as with cough, bough, or love, move. These are not rhymes in the strict sense, but often were in earlier language periods. For example, "sea" and "grey" rhymed in the early eighteenth century, though now they would make at best an eye rhyme. [edit] Classification by position The preceding classification has been based on the nature of the rhyme; but we may also classify rhymes according to their position in the verse: tail rhyme (also called end rhyme or rime couée): a rhyme in the final syllable(s) of a verse (the most common kind) When a word at the end of the line rhymes with a word in the interior of the line, it is called an internal rhyme. Holorhyme has already been mentioned, by which not just two individual words, but two entire lines rhyme. A rhyme scheme is the pattern of rhyming lines in a poem. Internal rhyme is rhyme which occurs within a single line of verse.

weirdelf

16 years 5 months ago

Barry, perhaps you need to read out loud

-ed is not the rhyme, the e is silent whispered concurred the erd sound is the rhyme Can't help wonder why you would find it necessary to paste in all that stuff on rhyme when Jonathon so clearly knows his stuff, far better than you. Even if you felt he needed edification surely a link would do. And slap on wrist for not identifying your source, that's plagiarism. Cheers, Jess, reprehensibly irrepressible

Orphani

16 years 5 months ago

Thanks for the correction on

Thanks for the correction on the rhyme error. As for the posting of the information on rhyme I did not do it for Johnathan's benefit, but for others, like myself, who are weak in this area, that might get something out of it, andI didn't think posting a source on this type of information was of any importance, but you have a point, and in the future I will take your advise. Thanks for your imput Jess.Barry

weirdelf

16 years 5 months ago

Yeah, sorry, I should have realised,

actually do you know how to post a link? Just select, copy and post the URL address in your browser, I'm sure there is more good information where this came from. Cheers, Jess, reprehensibly irrepressible

Orphani

16 years 5 months ago

I am new to the

I am new to the tecknology,and I am learning as I go. Thanks for the info.B

Tam the Chanter

16 years 5 months ago

Fain

At last, after about five reads, (all enjoyable) I feel I may have a suggestion. Perhaps you might consider that the use of the Old English "fain" twice in your poem is a bit much. Might I suggest a replacement for the second "fain" as this is not a rhyme and so should be easier to change. And so I admit defeat , I really like this poem and would love to be able to write at,or near,this standard. Kindest Regards Ian

Jonathan Moore

16 years 5 months ago

No fair

Because that's the complaint I have as well. Honestly, when I added the transition stanza (#4) I did not even remember that I had used the word in a slightly different context and when I did see it on a re-read, I got lazy and decided that the distant separating the two was sufficient. Unfortunately that is wrong. It is too unique a word to be used in two different contexts in the same poem. So I will take another look and I honestly thank you for bringing it up. As for writing styles, seriously Ian, you tell a good story in your work with sharp imagery and clear direction. I do not believe I write better than you creatively, I have just more practice with meter and flow. Thank you again for forcing me to revisit this and clean it up. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Jonathan Moore

16 years 5 months ago

General Notes

Ian, solid man that he is, forced me to revisit stanza 7 and reconsider my second use of the word "fain." I love the word, as I do many older words that have fallen out of use, but I used it in two (2) different contexts and it is too unique a word to be used thusly without intent. This had bothered me since the 23rd of December when I added stanza 4 but as I mentioned to Ian, I got lazy and let it go. His prodding forced me to open it up again and make the effort required. I looked at hundreds of words, and was not ruling out completely dismantling a stanza and re-writing it to make it work but I decided either "Smugly" or "Brashly" just might fit. I actually prefer the image "smugly" presents but the word caused a stumble to me due to the preceding word "dared." The "duh" sound of "dared" and "sma" sound of "smugly" do not flow well. The "br" in "brashly" is a single formation of the lips while the "sma" in "smugly" forces two separate lip movements, thus adding an extra half or quarter beat to the word, depending on your speech patterns. This is very important to me because everything I write is intended to be spoken in as conversational a tone as possible. One of the things that makes Shakespeare so enduring is that even though he writes mostly in blank verse, the structure of his work rolls off the tongue nearly effortlessly. it has the feel of conversation and thus connects with us more deeply than mere poetry where we are not certain if we are smart enough to understand it. Now, I know my talent is nowhere near that of Shakespeare, but that is fine because my intent is only to tell a story that I enjoy telling and that others might not hate to hear. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Kailashana

16 years 5 months ago

Imo, (there I go again) it

Imo, (there I go again) it is more difficult to write in a structured manner. And I commend those who profess this ability along with clarity of purpose: words that say something and touch the very thing that makes us poets. Cadence, which rolls off the tongue is delicious. Thanks, Jonathan; the proof is in the pudding, n'est-ce pas? ~Anna

Jonathan Moore

16 years 4 months ago

Minor change to opening line

The opening line has bothered me since I wrote it. The problem was that I needed to maintain tetrameter and I needed the 1st and last stanza to feel very similar. I've dropped the comma and replaced the word "ah" with "oh" because I feel the initial pause sets a tone i do not want and the reader spends most of the 1st stanza recovering from it. For me this is a study in how punctuation can make or break a line. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Tam the Chanter

16 years 4 months ago

last line

Having read it again and taking note of your comments on punctuation, may I suggest a slowing down of the last line by a break after "safely"? Safely --to love --from everywhere Kindest Regards Ian

Jonathan Moore

16 years 4 months ago

Another excellent suggestion

Although I liked the "clever" moving of the ellipsis and change of focus from the first to last stanza, I have to admit, breaking the line apart to slow the read down gives it a much softer, more tender finish. This is especially apparent when the line is recited aloud. Thank you very much. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)