Untitled

She just has a smile
that brings the sun out
on a cloudy day

Her laugh is so contagious
that you can't help
but laugh yourself

The personality she has
is just so warm and caring
you can't help but melt

When you talk to her
even if it is not face to face
you can't help but feel special

Spending time with her
you just get caught in the moment
and time goes so fast
you never want to leave

Her innocent brown eyes
just sparkle
and when you look into them
you can't help
but just become inspired

— Benjamin1987, Dec 15, 2009

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: Boston, Massachusetts, USA

Favorite Poets: The Beat Generation

Critiques

Race_9togo

16 years 5 months ago

This is Good.

try dropping as many "that"s and "and"s as you can though - it makes the rhythm easier, the pace a little faster, the voice more active (to me) and it helps smooths out the cadence. Also, this line "Her little brown eyes" doesn't seem to fit "Her almond brown eyes" "Her laughing brown eyes" "Her warm brown eyes" something like that. also "and time going so fast"..."going" should be "goes", maybe? A good read, keep 'em coming. respectfully Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

Benjamin1987

16 years 5 months ago

Thank you very much Jim

I will do that. I have dropped some of the "and"s and "that"s. It does sound a whole lot better. I would appreciate it if you would look at the edited version when I get to that. Thank you again for the comments and the suggestions. They are very helpful. Ben