Tokyo Dawn

Am I aware of the volatility of beer,
the way it can command
the most horrific of scenarios,
the most delicate of nights?

I step into this
unfortunate bliss
with an actor's smile;
the long remembered
hangover
a spider
spinning its web
from Epping Forest
to Mount Fuji.

Only there is a truth that rests here -
the way your body shined,
the way you walk like a ghost
through my dreams.
In these factories,
these sterile tiled walls
of a long locked vault,
I think of you often enough
to remember your name.

I see your form
in the smashed mirrors that attend
the wedding of drum n' bass
to trance,
I taste your breasts in
the morning that refuses
to rise up from the infinite
beauty of that night.

— Heading South, Dec 10, 2009

About This Poem

About the Author

Country/Region: JPN

Critiques

Heading South

16 years 6 months ago

Ha Ha!! Sorry to have given

Ha Ha!! Sorry to have given you false expectations. I know it's pretty tame but I thought I would add the caveat just in case!

Arrow

16 years 6 months ago

*the most horrific of

*the most horrific of scenarios(;) Should this be a comma? *I think not, I can't explain why but I think the question above is best left unanswered. I'd delete this line. *with an actor’s smile; An actor's smile implies intentionality. If you choose to keep the first line of this stanza, did you mean to set up this contradiction? *Only there is a truth that rests here, I feel like the word "only" diminishes what you're about to say. I'm also not sure the comma is the right mark. Maybe a dash? *In these factories(;) I think this should be a comma *Where are you now? I never feel rhetorical questions work well. What's added by it? We already have the impression she's gone. *in the smashed mirrors that attend the wedding of drum n’ bass to trance, I like this image- a beat so strong it shatters. For me this poem suggests the idea that lust turns us into both predator and prey and has a sort of uneasy, trance-like feel.

Heading South

16 years 6 months ago

Arrow, thanks. You have a

Arrow, thanks. You have a keen eye and the revisions you suggested definitely improve the poem. I wrote it in one sitting and never thought of editing it to be honest. I always like to write on inspiration and am wary of losing whatever "feeling" the poem has if I edit it too much. That said, it is always helpful to have someone else point out flaws that may not be so obvious to the writer. Thanks again, Daniel

Heading South

16 years 6 months ago

Just a quick P.S.

I used all of your suggestions except removing "Only" from the first line of the third stanza. I tried removing it but feel like it is necessary to link the two stanzas together and keep the flow of the poem. I really do appreciate all the suggestions though!

Arrow

16 years 6 months ago

No problem.

They are just thoughts I have as I read through the work. Of course, you should reflect, take and discard as you see fit. I just feel compelled to offer something. Sometimes, I see my suggestions implemented and think, "Whoops! That was not a good idea after all! It was better the first way." I look forward to reading more of your work.