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Dancer girl hurts

she danced on pointed toes
over needles and hollow voices
over broken glass dreams and loud inaction,

she liked to smile to herself
at the piles of broken promises piled in the corner
stacked and stored in merticulous order,

each day she would take one whilst twirling past
and stroke it against her cheek
the broken promises were full of the tears that rolled
down those same cheeks,

inticingly
those promises glimmered and glistened in that corner,
catching the late afternoon sun,
that shone through the window
spilling in,
to light her form as she twirled and twisted so fast.

that sun and that twirling never seemed to quite warm her form
which was cold and chilled from a long ago jilted rejection
aloness has claimed her smiles and her eyes always so sad
had forgotton how to sparkle.

Soon the sun grew tired of trying to illuminate the dancing girl
she realised that the girl had been missing in yesterdays woes
for so long that she didnt know her way back
so the sun stopped coming

Now the dancing girl had only the moon for company and solace
Giving her the errie effect of a quaint porcilin doll,

she danced and danced endless twirls of that attic room
the floor boards bagan to wan and her toes became bare bones
the broken promises in the corner began to bulge and
weep the excess of captured tears

So many hurts left to fester and grow could not be forever contained
And so in the moons gift of glow the tears burst forth
raining the broken promises in razor sharp shards over the dancing girls pale and thin form

She let the tears wash her across the floor in a destructive hungry torrent
stripping the last of her skin and soft gold spun hair
till all that remained in that sad room was just that
a sad lingering memory
of what happens if you store your hurts

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Roscoe Lane

Roscoe Lane

16 years 5 months ago

So sad,

Reading this, will make you sad if you let it, but please don't it's beautiful. Really loved, and feel this poem. Superb, Roscoe..
professor

professor

16 years 5 months ago

Dear Vicki

I loved the first few verses of this one and as always you have some great imagery. As in the past you still tend to use too many unnecessary words after that, and with just a little pruning and re-organisation it could be even more powerful. Also, sometimes i feel it would be better to keep in the present tense rather than mixing present and past. The next few verses, for example could be: Each day she would take one twirling past and stroke it against her cheek Broken promises full of tears rolling down those same cheeks. Enticing promises, glimmering and glistening in that corner, catching the late afternoon sun, shining through the window, spilling in, lighting her twirling, twisting form. Sun and twirling that seem never to warm her, chilled from a long past, jilted rejection. Loneliness has claimed her smiles and her eyes, always sad, have forgotton their sparkle. Sun soon grew tired of trying to illuminate her dancing, realising her lost so long in yesterday's woes, she didnt know her way back... and so sun stopped coming. Hopefully you can see what I am trying to do with your words and thoughts to make them that little bit more poetic. Perhaps I should add that I do like the way you express yourself very much, and that is why I am trying to help you. Oh and I dont give stars either, so please dont think their absence is in any way a judgement on your poetry. with best wishes Keith PS I think it should be "Dancer girls hurt"
L

Lunegirl

16 years 4 months ago

oops i’ve been lax in

oops i've been lax in responding to your feedback, sorry!! I'll look into editing this peoice next ; ) As always thankyou for your contructive and apprieciated feedback vicki ; )
professor

professor

16 years 3 months ago

Thats OK Vicki

I'vw been ill since before Christmas which is why I have not been commenting on any new poems but I will try to get back to doing so very soon. My best wishes Keith