chasing rainbows

Firstly, I think that you should choose a different pen name if you wish to be taken seriously! Onto your poem: You start with such passion but your poem is marred by poor punctuation and spelling, see brackets below: Dawn hits Staring out into blue grey rough mad roaring sea Your anger tattoed through my soul The hate bashing a rythem, (rhythm), in the wish consuming waves Im all bleak an, (and), undone My knees encloased by to, (two), skinny bleeding arms Encloased?? (Enclosed) An like why did you scoot???? (And why did you scoot?) dsecisions??? defisit in denighed mourning????, deficit in denied mourning. When you speak of yourself you should capitalise the word I and not use i. As I said, you have such passion and the content is very good, but as I said above.........

I have to agree with Baz mostly. Re-read the poem, fine-tune it with the clarity you already possess as a poet. ~A p.s. Madame Fuckwit gets you noticed... then it gets old. "...when it agrees with reason and it will benefit one and all, then accept it and live by it." ~ Buddha

it is an excellent poem except for those mistakes already mentioned by Baz. Keep writing. Always, Cat

Hi ... welcome to neopoet ... I dont normally read the above before I comment ... but can I say something and its not to offend ... Hun we have all fucked up in our lives and some of us could carry that title with panache ... seriously ... but your here to write ? madam fubar would work just as well and not everyone would know what it meant lol .... fubar- fucked up beyond all recognition :) and you will find some members offended by the name ,.. so maybe not comment ... as you say its your name and totally up to you .. but your moving ahead make a new name for yourself and make it yours ... and forget the past I think your poem shows your a writer start taking yourself seriously you have what it takes love and hugs Jayne x x

I noticed in your last posting you say, "As before in my reply to Baz". I am sorry but I do not seem to have received any reply from you. I have to reiterate that you should change your name. If you keep writing poetry of such intensity you could publish. Your poetry hits hard with passion and depth, as I said before the content is so good but your spelling and punctuation is crap! You have a talent that makes me jealous, I wish I could write in the manner in which you write. I give you 5 stars for content and minus 5 for spelling. If you think that you cannot publish or attain recognition consider: A lone amateur built the Ark, a team of professionals built the Titanic. Best Baz

There is a great deal of both passion and angst and raw imagery in your poem although personally i feel it loses much of its power through a somewhat random structure and flow. The easiest wasy to show you what I mean is to edit it slightly for you. Hope you don't mind. These are merely suggestions of course and I have tried to keep your own words although I' not entirely sure I got your ending right. Dawn hits, Staring out into a mad blue grey, rough-roaring sea, Your anger tattoed upon my soul; Hate bashing a rhythm On wish consuming waves. I'm bleak and undone, Knees clasped by skinny, Bleeding arms. Cuts not so deep As those left by you. Why did you scoot? What devil took you this time? Fear's breath choked With cheap brandy, White traces flecking your nose; The glaring signs of escape From wrong decisions. "What are you doing?" Screams that sad, little Twisted heart of mine, "There's no compensation In self pity!" "It ain't a good look mate!" Whispers self preservation "Where've you been?", I ask, Voice small and timid, Instead of hidden, Burning rage. She mouths another look, All done up in tough, Stem-tied bracken And tearing thorns. "Keeps out the dark!" She laughs in her coarse, ragged breath. "What's sleep again?". There's a hole in this sand I've worn away; Bright, grief-opened eyes, Dry from denied mourning. Who the fuck were you to offer coloured rainbows? Some cheap twat, Beefed up in ego And crisp pretensciousness, Like you knew How to give it all, But were, instead, Full of nothing? In answer you shrug, "She meant nothing to me. What can girls give anyway? ....Only black rainbows." Hope this is of some help. with best wishes Keith

I like your poetry, all you need is spell check and some punctuation to clean it up a bit... the Mozilla-firefox download I suggested to you before has spell-check, and it's a free download. For me, your name is fine, interesting and if you like it then so be it, if it keeps some from reading or taking your very original writing seriously, then it is their own issue. If you were to be published you would probably use your real name anyway, as most of the rest of us would. Keith has made some very good structure suggestions to this one, he is very good. good luck and do keep writing and submitting I'll read it Richard

hello there , you shoot straight from the hip,lol you have being given some good advice if you structure your words in to stanza like professors example it will give your words more sructure and appeal for the reader, as for the spelling use the spell check on the submission page just before you post ,i`ll see you around neo and enjoy ,,,,,,,,,,,,ziggy

For my own purposes, I inserted the most minimal spelling, single bar quotations, apostrophes and commas (no periods) and read your poem out loud in my approximation of a Essex accent (which sounds rather Irish it turns out). It is a lovely poem. I am going to give stars based on this reader's self-assist version. Very good writing. My preference is to address people by their names but an alias is understandably used for safety sake and, in your case, is determined and audacious. I look forward to reading more of your poetry. Brian

But some stuff in the poem needs to be improved. Not the content: its raw, angry, bleak and touching all at once, and thus is powerful. But I'm wondering why the fifth and sixth verses are so chaotic. It makes it much more difficult to read, and interrupts the flow so much that for a moment I actually stopped reading. The spelling....get a dictionary, LOL. The punctuation...read it out loud, you'll find the starts and stops intuitively if you do - this was one of the first things poets here taught me how to do. This is good stuff...and will be better still with editing and structure. Now then...."madam fuckwit"....I am intrigued by the name. Elaborate in a poem, perhaps? I would enjoy that! Heehee. A good effort...keep writing. Respctfully Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

as you know, I personally enjoy your pen name, but having been on this site for some time, I also knew there would be those who feel offended by it or deem it inappropriate. When you've made up your mind, let me know, and I will help you if you decide to change it after all. I see Keith has already left some very helpful suggestions, as has Baz. I agree with your reasoning that the rhythm - or lack of it - in this poem reflects the state of mind of your protagonist. As I am the spelling nutter here, I am going to leave you a corrected version of the poem and add my twopence on the arrangement of the lines: Dawn hits Staring out into blue grey rough mad roaring sea, your anger tattooed through my soul, the hate bashing a rhythm in wish consuming waves. I’m all bleak and undone, my knees enclosed by too skinny, bleeding arms. Cuts not so deep as those left by you, And why did you scoot? What devil took you this time? Stole you from me again? For too long aching moments stretched out with a reminder that each breath between the moments feels like swallowing pins. Fear's breath came calling again, coated in cheap brandy, white traces tell their own tale, tricker tracking under your nose left decisions made all wrong. ”What are you doing” screams that sad twisted little heart of mine? There’s no compensation in self-pity. ”It aint a good look mate” whispers that thing called self preservation. ”Where you been” I ask? All small and timid instead of the burning rage that hides, she whispers of some other look all done up in tough bracken and thorns ”keeps the dark out” she laughs in her ragged breath. What's sleep again? Warm is the hole in this sand where I've been carelessly wearing it away, eyes pinged bright wide, left deficit in denied mourning Who the fuck were you, to offer rainbows anyhow? Some cheap twat all beefed up, in your own ego and crispy pretentiousness, like you knew it all to give, but were devoid of everything but nothing? SHE meant nothing to me anyway. What can she give? Only black twisted rainbows. Love the image of "black twisted rainbows", by the way. Yours, ~Nina