Shallow is the man

What way did you dance,
in your trip to do ill?
did your vanity prance
as you homed in for the kill?
on my poor beating heart,
that is now withered and dead
on once languid limbs
that now resemble lead

what way did you dance
on the ashes of our dreams?
did your vanity prance
as we came undone at sanity's seems?
for all the girls who cried
more than once over you
did your cold smile reach your eyes
are you the devil? is it true?

will you think of us in years gone by?
when the world does darken
an the sun leaves the sky?
will you think of us, when your age grows old,
when there's nothing left
but time for memories to unfold?
will you silently gloat
will smug still be your friend
or will the lonely of your intention
mean that your heart now won't mend.

About This Poem

About the Author

Comments

themoonman

16 years 5 months ago

Hi Madam...

Welcome to the site... I do hope you find our community pleasurable, and if you have any problems, do feel free to ask... on the cut and paste... hmmm, I always re-type directly into the submission form, but many do cut and paste and the most of them use "notepad" to paste from. Paste it to notepad and then to here, and I believe that will eliminate the problem... also, do you have Mozilla, if not I do recommend using it here, it has a free download site and has eliminated many of the usual problems associated with windows. Your first poem is pretty good, but for me it had some flow problems, but not bad at all. homed... honed would be the word there (I think) will you think of us when your age grows old will you think of us when you grow old (your age seemed redundant to me) I think you could cut out some of the connecting words, and tighten your rhythm up in the process, but for me it is a very good start on your time here and I thank you for submitting. Richard

Lunegirl

16 years 5 months ago

thankyou

Thankyou for your comments, i kinda liked the when yor age grows old, just get bored writing plain sometimes but i definately take it on board! and the connecting words, ill have a look at that, thankyou ; )

themoonman

16 years 5 months ago

Madam...

ya know on second thought, when your age grows old, isn't bad, and my suggestion is only a suggestion... when I offer them I often feel out of place a bit because one can't help but think how would I write the line... and I wouldn't want to change anyone's voice... thanks for entertaining my little suggestions and I will definitely keep my eye out for your writes... Richard

Lunegirl

16 years 5 months ago

Hey feel free to offer any

Hey feel free to offer any advice comment you wish, the last site i was on, people only gave me good comments and although it was lovely i thought id never progress! I may or may not take on board what people say but ill not be offended, i know what you mean about giving feed back thats constructive critism, i did yesterday an i felt a bit like who am i to say this? but this site is what its all about isn't it and as you say its only what that person feels. So thankyou for taking the time to give me feed back, its all much appreciated ; )

Candlewitch

16 years 5 months ago

hello

Good title! much to my annoyance, I have met many shallow people. Richard was right about the flow being a little off. Other than that I enjoyed your poem. I'm knocked off my feet that you just wrote it on the spot. Keep writing! Always, Cat

GRiM

16 years 5 months ago

Im new...

This is a very good poem...good job...i liked it... P.s. comment my poem please and tell me what you think...thank you...its three below yours, its called The End of the Road.

Lunegirl

16 years 5 months ago

thank you

I write most of my best stuff off the cuff. lots of it is dark, some is mythical mystical and now and again its soppy lol.

Baz

16 years 5 months ago

Punctuation

Hi again, further to my comments made on your latest submission I thought I would read more of your work. Great content but poor punctuation. Too many try to be profound by writing abstract poetry, in my opinion it's just a load of hype'. You obviously have great passion, don't waste it! Baz

Ink Dragon

16 years 5 months ago

Hi Madam Fuckwit,

(still chuckling about the pen name) your poem has good rhythm, but please do tackle the spelling/typing errors (e.g. l.6 thats-> that, l.7 langiud-> languid). I marvel at how good this poem is for an on the spot post. It would read even better with a tad of editing. Yours, ~Nina aka Ink Dragon

Lunegirl

16 years 5 months ago

Thank you. Im glowing after

Thank you. Im glowing after everyones comments on content. I'll really make an effort with the spelling and grama vix