Forever In The Sea

My dear Green Eyes; I enjoyed this write , but I can't help feeling that your wonderful imagination would be better harnessed in writing short stories and magazine articles with some of your work. This piece in particular would make a delightful short story with a bit of fleshing out of the characters. I think you have great potential, so go for it! Kindest Regards Ian T xx

I agree with Ian, you are a gifted storyteller. You have a fertile imagination and I'm glad I got to read this wonderful creation. Always, Cat

I agree with them also such a beautiful piece green..loved it magics

My dear Green Eyes... OMG! This is brilliant... you put the ancient greek tale tellers to shame with this great and tragic tale of romance here! Love the whole premise and the flow and rhyme is excellent indeed! Oh and the story, it's descriptives and imagination are to die for! You rock Green Eyes, you truly do! Dale :)

I told you before that you should be writing stories and I believe your talent lays there, you have a wonderful imagination and I am sure you can transfer as Ian said with fleshing these characters out and making a short story of it ... or even gasp a novel ;) love and hugs Jayne x

Elizabeth, As requested and promised, I am providing a critique on your work. Should you desire me to critique additional items, please PM me a link to the item no more than once every two (2) weeks. Keep in mind that a critique is a suggestion, not a command. While I will be forthright and exact, I am speaking of the poem and how to make it better and none of this is a personal commentary. Your job will be to review the critique and determine if it is of any value. ---------------------------- First things first. Punctuation. You can have full punctuation or no punctuation and everything is fine. when you have partial punctuation you set the reader up for annoyance. When using punctuation, remember to be consistent or at least deliberate. Secondly, cadence. Even though you've listed this as free form, it resembles a bound structure and rhyme pattern. When you choose to write in this venue it is a good idea to write the poem and set it aside for a week or so and then revisit it to spot the areas where familiarity has smoothed over structure issues . As an overview. There is a good story here. Yes the story has been told before but that is fine, every story has been told before. Our goal as poets is not to tell a new story as much as tell an old story from a unique or clever or entertaining point of view. There are aspect of that here but right now they are hidden in the construct of the work. Basically, you have been very concerned with rhyme and that concern has overpowered the importance of the story and it's flow. You've chosen a classic XAXA scheme where X is an intentionally unrhymed line and A is an intentionally rhymed line but you've let the meter slip from line to line and stanza to stanza and because of this the reader must struggle to constantly find a new pace in which to read and this will limit your audience. In the first stanza you have 6, 7, 8, and 5 respectively as the syllable count. In the second stanza it is 5, 7, 8, 6. And in the third stanza there is 4, 5, 6, 7. You can use a static meter, the same for each line, a declining meter, fewer syllables each line, a rising meter, more syllables each line, or any mix but each stanza should really build on the next via the story and changing the meter stanza to stanza removes this focus. I am going to restructure three (3) stanzas to show you what I mean. One drawing day my love and I, We gazed into the calm blue sea, And pledges of forever, Were sung to her by me. My love was brighter than the sun, It charmed her deftly to my side, Traced the passion in my eyes, And clad her like the tide “Dare not to dream” were the whispers “Your ardent promise is in vain,” “I foresee your vibrant soul,” “Will bring me naught but pain.” What I've done here is go with a declining of 8, 8, 7, 6 to add a bit of urgency to the last two lines and aid in drawing the reader through to the next stanza. I also swapped out the end rhyme in stanza 2 for something less expected and re-arranged grammar where applicable to give a less stilted feel to the piece. All of these are suggestions only. You have to decide your audience and effort. If your audience is friends and family and nothing more, spend no more time on this. If your audience is wider, make the poem compatible with that wider audience. so, now you must take a look at my suggestions, decide if they are of value, and let me know if you would care to proceed further. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Your Green eyes taking the cue from the waves and washing up on our beach here to savour a moment of fairy tale magic devotion and love, the dress becoming suddenly red was a stunning picture, worthy of Romeo and Juliet. I await your edit with interest dear green eyes with love from An of Norway

Sad tale but brilliantly told and written. Your poetry always gives me pleasure. Truly you are a dream weaver. Love tou you and yours, From me and mine. Lyz. XX