Swallowed Slumber

This is a heavily intellectual poem. Which is so much a treat. Being a poem that relies on deep meanings as much or more than colours, textures and the such, I will say that the processing time increased dramatically in the 4th and the first line of the fifth stanza. The dimensional difference is at least consciousness. Then there is a quick one liner on damage, which is relatively undeveloped as an idea. So we are left to infer, that whatever the damage it is equivalent between both bodies/minds. This notion has a real capacity to zapif something helps. I don't know whether you want to call that transition, mere rewording or using a metaphor - and I don't know what will work best. But make it easier for the reader to make the metal shift and the zap will be there. And, oh, not to ask too much, if you can hang on to the idea of equivalence of injury at the same time - well, that would be good. I do like what you are doing here. Brian

I think that the new stanza closes the gap. Olya adds that she thinks the words "tendrills" (4th stanza, first line), the three "each"s (two in stanza 4, line 2; one in stanza 4 line 3), "gently" (stanza 6, line 2) and "I" (stanza 6, last line) are all unnecessary and are better removed without replacement. Here is what would be left: The criss-scratch etching sound that my pen makes in the mist of your slumber awakens not your essence, that’s trapped inside your vessel while waning your worldly existence, away. Your cocoon-like form, slowly rises and falls in a cadence that speaks of you, and underlines your heartbeat, while mine is in italics. Time throws the minutes at us, and though we are in the same room, we’re in very different dimensions; you clamoring, and clinging to dream cliffs… that spell out quiet comfort, as I merely scribble notes, next to those cliffs. Thanks to those minutes hurled, the damage is equivalent in us, both… so, I lay down my pen, smile a secret smile, turn down the light, and join you in a swallowed slumber. I think your poetry is getting big and robust. It is telling lifes stories in a meaningful, undisguised manner. And it will have staying power. I continue to look for your work. Brian (and Olya over my shoulder)