Another Night

You sit at your desk
with a new hair cut
and we pass through
each other’s consciousness
like subliminal shadows
of the sun beyond the blind.

Of all memories
there is one intoxicated peak
rapid as the morning decline.

One memory to bind them all -
the character and perfection
of your hands,
the white shape of silk
removed in the darkness
as I reached for the meaning of you.

— Heading South, Nov 24, 2009

About This Poem

About the Author

Country/Region: JPN

Critiques

themoonman

16 years 6 months ago

Heading South...

First of all, this is extremely good, loved the images portrayed, the want from close proximity, the need to touch is there... yes, very good. I will re-write the piece like I may have done it, but it doesn't necessarily mean it would read better, but sometimes, I like to put a word on a line by itself... to create the break in flow and interject the importance. You sit at you desk with a new hair cut and we pass through each others conciousness like subliminal shadows of the sun beyond the blind Of all memories there is one intoxicated peak rapid as the morning decline One memory to bind them all the character and the perfection of your hands the white shape of silk removed in the darkness as I reached for the meaning of you this is a very good poem, glad to've had the chance to read and give my one cent... Richard

Heading South

16 years 6 months ago

themoonman

Dear Richard, I really like what you did with the rewrite, especially stanza 2. When I was revising the poem I tried using that stanza as it is but couldn't quite get it to fit in with the flow of the rest of the poem. In the end I opted for the symmetry and balance of a three line stanza sandwiched between two 6 line stanzas. Not sure if it works any better, but I thought I would throw it out there anyway. Thanks!

themoonman

16 years 6 months ago

Heading South...

just wanted to let you know I'd read your revisions, I think it is a smoother read now, not that it was a hard read the first time, just an easier connective quality now... thank you!

Arrow

16 years 6 months ago

I might have divided it this way

You sit at your desk with a new hair cut and we pass through each other, with consciousness like shadows of the sun beyond the blind. Of all memories there is one-- intoxicated peak-- rapid as the morning decline. One memory to bind them all, the character and perfection of your hands, the white shape of silk removed in the darkness as I reached for the meaning of you. Some very good similes here (shadows beyond the blind and the morning decline). I esp. like the contrast you made in stanza 1 with the ordinary and the ecstatic shining dimly behind it. Enjoyed this.

Heading South

16 years 6 months ago

To themoonman and Arrow

Thank you both for your kind words and taking the time to read and comment. It is much appreciated!

Kailashana

16 years 6 months ago

I like how it stands now,

I like how it stands now, and for what your poem stands (for). If I wrote it, it would be exactly alike, except the word would be reach rather than reached. ;-) (You know I'm your fan, yes?) ~Anna "...when it agrees with reason and it will benefit one and all, then accept it and live by it." ~ Buddha

odd molly

16 years 6 months ago

eruptions arose violent

eruptions arose violent quakes hot lava came rushing put everything on fire but the surface stayed smooth as watered silk the wild forces could only be seen in their eyes.... Dear Heading South. Your poem is just wonderful and everytime I stand before a piece of art like this I have nothing to say there is only a deep breath and I can feel my heart beat so much more clearly. Thank you. o molly

Heading South

16 years 6 months ago

Thanks!

Dear Odd Molly, Thank you so much for your kind words! Yours, Heading South

Seren

16 years 5 months ago

Dear Daniel

... you are such a talent I am sorry to have missed this one, I agree with Anna dont touch its perfect as it sits ... wonderful poem thank you again for sharing love and hugs Jayne x x x