Abandoning Post

Pale and unfit for duty.
Life, that is, a duty
Millions worldwide are dimly
Aware of. At least when window
Mannequins undress, close up
Shop for the night, and disassemble.

Yes. Pale and unfit for duty.
He chased me hours' ago
Strong as a bull and sick as
A lab mouse in it's final stages.
Baseball cap angled clock

Wise toward a loose stitch
In the left pocket of my Lee Denim.
It always falls apart during moments
Like that, the same way his teeth
Fall down tubes of smoking glass.

Somewhere else,
Some other city,
Someone else's pocket
Will bleed fat green.

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Comments

whitetea

16 years 5 months ago

wow

mannequins fascinate and scare me all at once. "A lab mouse in it’s final stages."I love this, suggesting a purpose we are trained for but never were made for. I loved the ending: someone elses pocket will bleed fat green. I like how much action was called into that, bleed and fat are great words which call a lot of attention. While Im at it you have great word choice here. Very animated.

bjp

16 years 5 months ago

Dear Quillsvein1

This poem has a lot going for it. It has some great lines, such as "Like that, the same way his teeth/Fall down tubes of smoking glass." Like I'm one to speak, but here goes: there is a tad of pontiffication which runs through your poetry. The poems will become better if you can turn that down a couple of more notches. I know the attactiveness of the stance because I manage to let it creep and sometimes stomp all over my own poetry. But this is the contuing weight upon your work. You have a strong tallent. And if there is less separation - me/them - you will find yourself in the universal space. Brian

Quillsvein1

16 years 5 months ago

Thank you

whitetea and Brian. You are absolutely right: I rely a little too heavily on a sort of narrative poetry which reveals a sense of self none of us are entitled to. Sometimes it is more swelled up than others, and I only really know when I write poetry. Robert Lowell (though I am absolutely in no way comparing myself to him or implicating that I am anywhere near his league) had the same problem, so did Theodore Roethke. I think it's just that poetic "I" which gets in the way of the spiritual recognition that we are all, at bottom, one. Thank you for calling me out on it, as I actually I need that. Best!!

Seren

16 years 5 months ago

Dear GB

You may have been called out on it ? but in truth to find the granules of self and separate ... you have to dot the I's first ;) ... I really loved this one love and hugs J x x x