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G

Fix it. Fix it Fix it Fix it !!

Looking both
ways on that
one way street

crashing that
brand new vehicle
for selfish reasons

smoke pours from the engine
into the night
taking shape
into that dirty love triangle you call home

Mobile no more
like a used car
waiting to be sold in a used car lot

leaving you crying on the shoulder
of a mechanic that fixes everything
but still drives the same old jalopy.
— G.D.K, Nov 21, 2009

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Critiques

Heading South

Heading South

16 years 6 months ago

Critique

I like this poem. It is simple and succinct - no words wasted. "That dirty love triangle you call home" is a great line. On a technical note, "a mechanic that fixes everything" would read better as "a mechanic who fixes everything", assuming he/she is a person.
O

Orphani

16 years 6 months ago

I think this is a good

I think this is a good poem,but not sure of your comments you placed in SEDIMENTS. Please elaborate.
G

G.D.K

16 years 6 months ago

I read your writings,please

I read your writings,please keep reading mine. I cant elaborate at this time but thank you.
Kailashana

Kailashana

16 years 6 months ago

Really good, interesting

Really good, interesting take making an interesting poem, GDK. Agree with the word who, and why is Mobile capitalized? Great title! ~A "...when it agrees with reason and it will benefit one and all, then accept it and live by it." ~ Buddha
MI

Mac Iver

16 years 6 months ago

I liked it.

I am new at poem writing, so all I can tell you is...I felt what you were saying.
G

G.D.K

16 years 6 months ago

Me too but your comment

Me too but your comment leaves me stuck in our oh so green world. I will look for your writings Mac.
BL

Bert Lamrick

16 years 6 months ago

This is

in my opinion, well done. Well done, indeed. I like it just as it is. ~Rick
Kailashana

Kailashana

16 years 6 months ago

Hehehehe Rick. Reading it

Hehehehe Rick. Reading it just now, I'd have to agree with you. I like it just as it is. But who am I to change my own opinion? ;-) ~A "...when it agrees with reason and it will benefit one and all, then accept it and live by it." ~ Buddha