Seren

Nov 18, 2009 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

In Your Name

I clench a piece of you
in my heart,
still remembering
all that you were
the way you spread butter
on toast,
fingers deft like a pianist,
light as a painter

it is but pieces
of distant memory's
kept warm in the grotto
reserved for two

----

Why is it at my darkest hour?
as silent pleas
in your name
are uttered,
blood flames alive
with memories of you,
and a thousand
lanterns,
filigree a soft light
into mind

Were you the embodiment
of hope?,
maybe not,
but your memory
stokes the fires
of courage,
comforts the needy
in sorrow,
and draws love

even now

— Seren, Nov 18, 2009

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: Beyond the Black Stump..Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Pablo Neruda, P.K.Page, W.H.Auden, to many and various to include them all ...

Critiques

Kailashana

16 years 6 months ago

My God, Jayne!~Momp.s. I

My God, Jayne! ~Mom p.s. I have a feeling you wrote this one in a stream of consciousness, just now. (I'll leave corrections for someone else. Smile.) "...when it agrees with reason and it will benefit one and all, then accept it and live by it." ~ Buddha

Seren

16 years 6 months ago

Dearest Mum

Your damn close lol remember an email I sent to you and it had something about a thousand candles ? lol well I had the first bit written and the next bit hit me after the email ... Did small edit was tired last night and missed a couple of things lol love and biggest hugs Jayne x x x

Candlewitch

16 years 6 months ago

Dearest Jayne

I must compliment you on a striking write. In this line, there are one too many buts: "but it is but pieces" I would take out the first "but" Excellent, emotions reviled through the art of poetry. My favorite lines are: Why is it at my darkest hour? as silent pleas in your name are uttered, blood flames alive with memories of you, and a thousand lanterns, filigree a soft light into mind Love, Cat

Seren

16 years 6 months ago

Dearest Big Sis

I have done an edit and the offending 'but' was removed not mine though lol ... and to be honest I cant work out how the first but got in there lol glad you liked this one ... I hesitated before submitting ... its a little bit personal this one love and hugs Jayne x x x

professor

16 years 6 months ago

Must have been an emotive meeting JayC

This was full of pathos and even longing....and very moving. I am really beginning to feel that blank verse is truly your forte rather than the rhyming work I know you tend to prefer personally but which for me just is not as natural a form of expression for you as with this kind of poem. The first verse is truly excellent in its choice of words and imagery. The rest is good but does not for me reach the same heights. I am not so fond of the "grotto custom built for two" which feels a bit like Santa Claus and "stokes the fires of battle" is perhaps a little clicheed too. There is a typo in the last verse where I assume you meant "were" rather than "where". Hope you are OK. Love and hugs Keith

Seren

16 years 6 months ago

Awww Big Brother !!

Hope you got my message I left you one this morning ... I waited till I had to pass out ... Your Naughty btw where did you find the time to get here, I was not expecting you on this poem lol definately not last night anyway ... LOL have you been talking to anyone ? lol cause someone mentioned this morning they thought that blank verse was my forte and that if I write any rhyme for a month I am going to get smacked lol yikes !! lol I have done a smallish edit let me know what you think love and biggest hugs Jayne x x x

professor

16 years 6 months ago

No not been talking to anyone dearest JayC

its only that the juxtaposition between your most recent rhyming poems and the last blank verse ones shows just how much better the latter are in my opinion. I can tell you why if you want but that can be an email or a chat. As for the edited version I am still a little unhappy with grotto although I can see why that warm cave image seems very appropriate. Perhaps you might consider "recesses"...since memory has just been mentioned...or even "bower". Yes we got your message and were thinking of you. Love and hugs Big bruv

Seren

16 years 6 months ago

Heya Big Bruv

yanno I would like to know and an email or chat will be fine ... I will consider a few alternatives for grotto ... and see what I cannot come up with ...glad you got my message *BIG Smile* n give the girl a cuddle and a kiss from me please ... with much love Jayne x x x x

Geezer

16 years 6 months ago

Waxing somber...

Is a trait we all share. It comes under the heading of Why? She knows that life is a random thing, it happens to everyone. You did a fine job. ~ Love and Hugz, ~ Gee

Seren

16 years 6 months ago

yes dear man it is a trait

yes dear man it is a trait we all share, and this is a reverie of a kind wasnt upsetting to write ... just came out of nowhere again lol ... hope your feeling better than what you have huni love and biggest hugs Jayne x x

Bonitaj

16 years 6 months ago

WHo am I to change any of this...

Loved it Jayne! The theme - the execution - just saw one or two things differently...(but then it's not my poem... lol) would that it were! Only BIG change I would make is change "clench" to "clasp".... since the former has me gritting my teeth! lol You're simply the best - so it's just my humble opinion! Cheers Boni

Seren

16 years 6 months ago

Dearest Boni

this one was written in two parts ... I had worried that the first piece wouldnt tie with the second part ... but I guess its ok lol ... and that clench has an actual meaning other than the clenching in mind ... normally i would consider changing but in this instance I cant ...lol dont know about the best .. these are some I had been fiddling with and decided to get my finger out and finish them lol Love and hugs Jayne x x

bjp

16 years 6 months ago

Dear Jayne-Chloe,

Look how you are bounding along now! Olya came over, sat on the couch arm. I would read a stanza - then we would look at each other. We are so proud of you. Brian

Seren

16 years 6 months ago

Dear Brian and Olya

I am struck by your comment ... I can only offer my thanks and love ... and know you both know how much the above means to me Love and hugs Jayne x x

lyz

16 years 6 months ago

Dear Girl

I felt a little sad when reading this but with your choice of words the smile returned. What a heart of gold you have. From now on you will be Enchantress, the Empress of the Pen. This is a soulful write and I enjoyed this one as well. You are at your peak. Love from Lyz. XX

Seren

16 years 6 months ago

Dear Lyz

I didnt say anything before,I dont think? I would have to read back ... but this is about my Mum ... she still inspires me now all these yrs ... whilever I am alive her memory will not be forgotten ... and this was my first foray into this type of writing really, sooo I thought to right from my heart and what I know ... love you Jayne x x

lyz

16 years 6 months ago

Well dear girl

I know how you feel and this one is lovely. And as you say, from the heart, that is the way. As soon as it comes to you. A great job, your mum would be very proud of you, and thats the truth. Ps, enjoy the silent night. Love ya. Lyz. XX

Seren

16 years 6 months ago

Dearest Lyz

Ahhh this silent night delivered if I get it done in time ... I will post tomorrow night ...lol wrote a epic tonight now I gotta work on it but the brains frazzled from writing it will wait till tomorrow to reread and see if it makes any semblance of sense hahaha ...love to you and all give Jade a big kiss and hug from me and rub that tummy lol must be just starting to pop out now ... the times flying woman that baby is going to be here before we know it (huggles) and Love Jayne x x

lyz

16 years 6 months ago

Signed

Sealed and Delivered. From frazzled brains come a poem that brings felicity to the heart. Lyz. XX

Seren

16 years 6 months ago

Frazzled brains .. you got

Frazzled brains .. you got that right steamed and cooked in the skull it just hit 37 degrees here :| not happy jan :O lmao ha ha you mad woman you cheered me up no end lol thank you :) big Smile love and hugs Jayne x x

ngaioBeck

16 years 6 months ago