my eager advances

Wonderful! If only to be the subject of such poetry!

Beautiful, just beautiful. You are rocking. Great use of words dear. Chat later, Love Lyz. XX

Hey Zig. I see you have been giving birth again, and your a father.Congratulations.I think you are mastering your use of metaphors.They are appearing more Original a true sign of the imaginitive process at work.Your not stealing as much butter ,but churning it . Consider the placement of each word in the sentance structure. As this has a signifigant impact on the nuanced meaning. and meter, and flow.You do a good job of carrying through your light metaphor although I think you miss the oportunity to advance this further. I usually correct these problems with sucessive rewrites like the sailing poem I need to tie togeather. When you look at your work cultivate an air of objectivity. Look at it line for line. Word for word.Like each one is working for you ,and there might be some slackers on the payroll.In my writing any word that dosen't add to the final picture goes. This strengthens the remaining words that aren't fighting for attention.You are off to a good start with this poem.I am wary of intelectually sounding words. you have two Fortuitous and flummox.Fortuitous is ok but, in my neck of the woods flummox is a highly uncommon word. Words carry your images so consider each carefully. Im not suggesting you do this but notice how changing the words around effects the elements. Changing the emphisis from one word to another and slows the progression of the metaphor.I think it's so kool how word placement effects the work. Again .Not better,just different emphisis. A fleeting Convergence Two people fortuitous lighting a filament from either end of a glowing stare Try to eliminate the clech'es again Idle fickel and scrambled there not bad they are just stolen butter that in an attempt to publish would be red flags. thats enough.Don't be intimadated.You have the most important thing a poets sense of words and an imaginative and passionate view.the rest is aquired windowdressing. I hate in a sense doing this critique becouse they are often interpreted as egotism and it's not. I strive tword the same goal as you excelence.I don't pretend to have mastered all that I say here and my work reveals this.Just remember When you write the most beautiful work ever written. I will share your tears. ,This poem is a beautiful conceptual idea that has sone very strong points as well as some weak ones.Your work shows leaps of progress. Nuff said.Barry....o

I loved this one Ziggy One the first line of the second last verse I felt the word 'them 'was incorrect and should read those! You been using that second editor of yours again and not HS ? I loved the line A fortuitous convergence ...reminds me of ' adequate sufficency' to describe a good meal... Best Wishes Seabhac

Dear Ziggy I agree with Liz's(Seabhac) suggestions they are very sound ... look forward to the edits ... I will keep my eye open love and hugs Jayne x x

Here I come, after all the comments have been written. I'm so sorry, but I have been sick the last few days or I would have read your wonderful poem already. As it is, I have mostly been getting on the computer for AEC business. I love the tremulous yet eager attitude of this one and your word usage is getting much better. Always, Cat

Ziggy This is where it all begins having the courage to act on your emotions after all the thought of never knowing will haunt you the rest of your life. I had the courage as did another - go for it. I do not try to anylize anything go on gut reaction. always blue