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O
Orphani
Nov 11, 2009 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

The poem child (To my dear friend lyz )

Poem, my hearts child
I coaxed you from a warm bed
Somewhere, before the snow
With sleepy eyes
You didn't want to go
I knewYou had to

Like a doll with to many clothes
Oddly walking, I love you
With too many words
I let you go
But only steps away
As the last leaves departed

leaving there insistence of disorder
They must fall on the paths we make
Even the birth I give you will not last

But today your day is playing
And through your loving hands
They fly up like rain, to fall

About your laughter
Part words, and your heart
 I let go
The trees naked with the truth
That  has stripped me bare
Did I tell you that as I was leaving
— Orphani, Nov 11, 2009

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Bonitaj

Bonitaj

16 years 7 months ago

Lazy, hazy, crazy days of childhood...

"About your laughter I know this and your heart..." Interesting! and quite lovely! Sounds like a line from a Leonard Cohen song! You have captured the sleepiness and carefree frolicking of a child at play, very well. Just want you to look at a little niggle in the layout here: "As the last leaves departed leaving there insistence of disorder They must fall on the paths we make" why did you start a new stanza after departed - was it intentional? if so it makes it somewhat disjointed and contrived for me. Your call! Thanks for the write! Boni
O

Orphani

16 years 7 months ago

This poem refers to the

This poem refers to the writing of poetry. The process of deep introspection I feel that is required to draw out of yourself the purity of your life experience unencumbered by the lies we all tell ourselves to keep from having to face those truths we cannot face and carry on. This of course is a bold endeaver. But from these realizations come the most profound works of art.The Best poetry takes a simple image and uses it to convey a complicated idea.When the poem leaves the pen and to the readers eye. The poem in the broader sense no longer belongs to the writer, but to the reader.Poems to me are children they are formed and shapped and agonised over and then you at some point have to set them free to walk out on there own. What do the breaks in the stanzas mean to you? That is the question.
Seren

Seren

16 years 7 months ago

Dearest Barry

I love that last stanza for that alone I am giving you 5 .. there was the little break in the lines Boni mentioned ... is it another formatting issue ? ... I remember you had one the other day ... love and hugs Jayne x x
O

Orphani

16 years 7 months ago

One of the problems as I

One of the problems as I believe you mentioned before is you can,t read the poem as you reply . the break in the stanza was arbitrary at the time as I wanted to get it out before I went to work. It was one of those poems that comes out from start to finish quickly but is the culmination of a number of ideas that I have been kicking around for awile but they wern't complete. I generally put down the essential idea and then do successive rewrites if necessary and most of the time thats the case.I let it breath for awile and if it stinks I trash it. Would like to see a discussion forum where each poet discusses there poetry ahd there process of writing I think that would be very informative. Every poet has certain keys to unlocking there poetry andhaving those keys would help everybody to grasp the tecknical aspects of how differant poets approach there work.What are your thoughts my dear Jayne. Barry your slave.
Seren

Seren

16 years 6 months ago

We already have a forum for

We already have a forum for working on our poetry ... most of the chats are group writing and sharing experience ... they are really helpful ... I've writen a few poems with other people from here at the site and found it informative ... and it has helped me improve my writing and opening my mind to other paths to writing ... but I agree there could be another forum away from chat (not everyone can type fast enough to keep up) ... where they can discuss writing practices ... good idea ... !! love and hugs Jayne x x
M

magics02

16 years 5 months ago

Discussion forum!

Brilliant Idea here and I had thought of this same thing before,,I think it would be wonderful to have just like teacher in classroom and students asking and answering the ideas...This is a good one in which you should presetn to Andrew and the other committees.. Blessings in the new year Barry Magics02 xoxoxoh
L

lyz

16 years 6 months ago

Dear Barry

A heart felt write and it is a beauty. A warm tenderness towards a child, a feel of happiness then a hint of sadness, in the last stanza. On a cold winters day all rugged up and walking with a waddle, I can picture this with a smile. Beautiful and well done. Love from Lyz. XX
Nordic cloud

Nordic cloud

16 years 6 months ago

O O you move us,

O O you move us, we all know that feeling when looking at a child dressed in Winter's warm clothes, he/she cannot walk for their clumsiness! The punctuation I have suggested is only for the understanding of what is written, not that one needs it so much, most of the time as the lines define the hesitations, but when the meaning is to be clearer one needs them perhaps? Yes the positioning of the words means that they're occasionally not afforded their rightful emphasis and potency of meaning. That's just me! I love this underlying sentiment, a thread of sensations deeply felt going through the whole poem. O Yours your friend Ann
O

Orphani

16 years 6 months ago

yes I agree with you on that

yes I agree with you on that . Punctuation in poetry is an interesting subject.Somtimes it is very necessary to avoid confusion of the intended idea. Somtimes Not using it opens up multiple interpretations which the writer intends. So it's a tricky issue But I love the fact your bringing those facts out. I'm studying how to get the most out of both approches.I would like to get closer on this issue by comparing examples. Love B
Nordic cloud

Nordic cloud

16 years 5 months ago

Dear friend Barry

Poem, my hearts child, 
I coaxed you from a warm bed,
 somewhere before the snow,
 with sleepy eyes 
you didn’t want to go. 
I knew you had to. Like a doll, with too many clothes, 
oddly walking, I love you.
 With too many words 
I let you go,
 but only steps away
 as the last leaves departed leaving their insistence of disorder, 
they must fall on the paths we make,
 even the birth I give you will not last. But today your day is playing,
 and through your loving hands
 they fly up like rain, to fall about your laughter,
 part words, and your heart, 
I let go
 The trees naked with the truth
 that has stripped me bare;
 did I tell you that as I was leaving? Only Ann. Dear Barry. P.S. I put it all straight and then IT copied continuous lines and NOW ITS gone and squiffed them again, not my fault!!
Seren

Seren

16 years 6 months ago

Barry when I saw Lyz on the

Barry when I saw Lyz on the title when I read it ... I wondered if it wasnt for Lyz lol wonderful write made even more special for me you know her grandchild will be my great grand niece of nephew ? lol we lations lol hahaha love and hugs Jayne x x
L

lyz

16 years 6 months ago

Dear Barry

A great heart felt thank you and I still think this is so beautiful and I would not change anything, you always write from the heart and that is the best gift some one can give another. Love to you dear Barry. Lyz, and, thank you again. XX
L

lyz

16 years 6 months ago

You are cheeky, lol.

Thanks to you, beautiful poet. You are gonna give me a head swell, lol. No, you are always so kind, and one day so much good will come to you, all well deserved. I do love this poem and I have reread a few times. Very visual, I can see and hear, in my head of course. Lol. You take care and love to you and yours, Love Lyz. XX
M

magics02

16 years 5 months ago

Thoughts

I guess I did admit I got sad on this one but powerfully written. Great job dear poet. much love sent to you this day Ms Mona
L

lyz

16 years 5 months ago

Hey Barry

Still a wonderful piece. It does make you feel sad with the last line. somewhat like a secret as to not upset the child. I know as you have said before, poems are like children, well this child has been nurtured very lovingly. And it is a gem. You know I appreciate it immensely. Thank you dear man. Love from Lyz. XXX
L

lyz

16 years 5 months ago

Listen dear man

Stop flattering and accept that it is you who has written a gem and it is you with a wonderful heart, except for the teasing, lol, and you should be proud. You have written so many beautiful writes, even though I can be biased and say this is the best,lol. Love and thanks to you. Lyz. XXX
Seren

Seren

16 years 5 months ago

Both of you back to your

Both of you back to your corners lmao ... sorry couldnt help myself it was too funny Barry you ahve writen a Gem accept it lol and Lyz your allowed to be biased its about you hahaha love and biggest hugs to you both ... sorry I got bored lol Jayne-Chloe
L

lyz

16 years 5 months ago

Just read this and

lmfao. You are a buggar too, lol. Lyz. XX
Kailashana

Kailashana

16 years 5 months ago

Beautiful beautiful love

Beautiful beautiful love poem to a poem, Barry.... Much enjoyed the banter, all.. Thank you. ~Anna p.s. the 6th line needs attending.. perhaps a question mark after the last sentence?
Seren

Seren

16 years 5 months ago

pmsl I watched the banter

pmsl I watched the banter the other day couldnt help myself ... had to be a bower bird and have a peck lol love and hugs Jayne x x x
O

Orphani

16 years 5 months ago

If ever ther was one you

If ever ther was one you wanted to "tease till she pees" its Lyz. She is so much fun; a real joy. B