Summer's farewell (Seasonal Sonnets I)

Great work, just one or two words i think, you could move or change. Personally i think it's so close. still i love it

You did quite well, Nina. I won't even attempt it. Did you read it out loud? That's when I find my *oops*... sometimes I do leave them in intentionally. ~A "...when it agrees with reason and it will benefit one and all, then accept it and live by it." ~ Buddha

Such a beautiful sonnet to the passing from summer to fall. I enjoyed this so much with your references to color: sepia, bumblebee, leaden lake, black moods and honeycomb light. Lovely thoughts and words here. When read aloud, it seems meter is a bit off in places. Try sticking to the same syllable count throughout and that may help to smooth it to the lovely musicality that the sonnet form offers. i.e. drink the nourishing broth of honeycomb light that will glow in you through winter’s long night may phrase better as: Nourished broth of honeycomb light glows within through winter's long night. Captured breeze blows black moods away; secures its web as hair strands stray. (Just a quick thought that in itself, still needs edits.) There is so much beauty wrapped within your words. I loved the feelings and images presented and now I just feel good. ~Pamela

It is a melancholy time of year when we bid goodbye to all of Natures youthfulness, the green of the trees, the buzzing bees, and the warm welcoming weather. These are my favorite lines: drink nourishing broth of honeycomb light that will glow in you through winter’s long night capture soft breezes, blow black moods away tie them down tightly in your web of hair Always in awe, Cat

No hiccups from me. Very vivid and read well to me. Love Lyz. XX

You are very very close on the rhythm and all. Here are a few suggestions (in parentheses) that might help. I like the images formed in this and though it seems a bit strange at first you tied it all together nicely making a complete thought and it is quite intriguing! drink nourishing broth of honeycomb light that will glow in you through winter’s long night capture soft breezes, blow black moods away tie them down tightly in your web of hair (drink nourishing broth of honeycomb light glowing in you through winter’s long night capture soft breezes, turn black moods to fair tie them down tightly in your web of hair) the waters, the sky are no longer blue the grapevine is burning in stark red hue a lone rose petal travels lazily to the ground, there lies the last bumblebee (the waters, the sky are no longer blue and grapevines burn with stark reddish hue a lonely rose petal travels lazily to the ground where lies the last bumblebee) mist slowly rises from the leaden lake moistness makes summer’s fragile fragrance fade musky autumn smells envelop the trees sombre sepia leaks through dying leaves (mist slowly rises from the leaden lake making summer’s fragile fragrance fade musky autumn smells envelop the trees sombre sepia leaks through dying leaves) quick, catch a sunbeam before it’s too late then walk back to your lair to hibernate Respectfully, Rett: “Anyone who sacrifices liberty for security deserves neither.” Benjamin Franklin

Lovely Nina, I have missed you & your sweet humble ways... this has such lovely sentiment it works anyway... For me it is rhyming I have been trying to avoid so we all have our challenges with our writing. There were a couple of things that occured as I read, little changes to smooth the rhyme, but I feel I should check the other comments first since I might be dobling. I began then I realised how late it is... so here are my offerings, with respect & love to you dear one.. I do hope you are well, I have missed you. drink nourishing broth of honeycomb light that will glow in you through winter’s long night capture soft breezes, banish black moods there tie them down tightly in your web of hair though since you want to keep the breezes & not the black moods perhaps this would make more sense: blow black moods away, capture soft breezes, in your web of hair, dancing as the wind softly teases the waters, the sky are no longer blue the grapevine is burning in stark red hue a lone rose petal travels lazily to the ground, there (where?) lies the last bumblebee mist slowly rises from the leaden lake moistness makes summer’s fragile fragrance fade (summer’s fragile fragrance fades at moisture's claim to stake) musky autumn smells envelop the trees sombre sepia leaks through dying leaves quick, catch a sunbeam before it’s too late then walk back to your lair to hibernate (to gently warm your lair while (as?) you hibernate) Cheers Anni~ "When we feel love and kindness toward others, it not only makes others feel loved and cared for, but it helps us also to develop inner happiness and peace". H.H. the Dalai Lama

I see that other have made suggestions and my suggestions are based on the current revision. all word modification are [bracketed] and line numbers are provided for further explanation of my motivation behind the suggestion. As always, use any, all, or none of these per your own discretion. ------------------------------------------------ 01 here’s nourishing broth of honeycomb light 02 to glow [from] within through cold winter’s night 03 [take these] soft breezes, [dispense with despair,] 04 [bind] them down tightly with [your] tangled hair 05 the waters [and] sky are no longer blue 06 the hills [are] afire with grapevines’ red hue 07 a lone rose petal [drifts by] lazily 08 as I [mark] the dying of the last bee 09 [mournful] mist [stumbles] from [these] leaden lakes 10 as summer’s fragile fragrance fades to shades 11 musky autumn smells envelop the trees 12 sombre sepia leaks through dying leaves 13 quick, catch a sunbeam before it’s too late 14 then [return] to your lair to hibernate -------------------------------------------------- 02 I felt the night was being over described and wanted to specify the location of the glow 03 I felt the "here are" was not strong enough and felt "take these presented a better image. The second change, "dispense with despair" was made to keep in the theme of "darkness" but match the end-rhyme in English 04 "bind" is a stronger image than "tie" and the tangled hair needed an indication of ownership. 05 I replaced the ", the" with "and" to smooth out the presentation of the line 06 The double "s" in "grapevines' stark" is a tough read and although I like the "hills afire" image, I wanted it to be more direct. "Hills afire" is something in the faded distance, "hills are afire" is something close to me. 07 "Travels" is OK in context but "drifts by" leave no room for misunderstanding. It is on the wind. 08 "This line had an extra syllable in it and that allowed me to suggest "mark" to replace "witness." "witness" is an observation, "mark" is an action. Actions normally play better. 09 I like the image but felt is was not as strong as it needed to be. "Moist mist" is redundant but I love the alliteration so I wanted to extend the image of "leaden" by using "mournful" to describe the mist. As for "slowly rises," again, I wanted something stronger and "stumbles" fits here. This left me a syllable short but that was good because "these leaden lakes" play similarly to "hills are afire" and brings the action close to us. 10 no changes here, just an observation. In English "lakes" and "shades" do not match for rhyming but with the alliteration in line 9 followed by the "fades to shades" rhyme in line 10, I do not believe any modification is required. 14 I replaced "walk back" with "return" The mean the same thing but the flow of "return" is smoother and it carries additional connotations lost in "walk back." --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)