Adam’s Elegy (Inspired by Ink Dragon's "Eve Elegy")

"Man!
Man!
Man!
The caretaker of the father's creation
On whose rib
The woman came to grip
Oh! man what made you fall out of eden?"

After her long walk
In the garden
She came to me

See, the apple of delight
Which our sight
It has long teased

Take a bite
Immortals
We solidify
As portals

Come on,
Take a bite
Togehter
We sail in wisdom flight

Oh! come on,
Take a bite
You will surely not die
Knowledge we easily acquire

Thus pleaded the woman
And I succumbed
To a doom
Which looms to the tomb

My vision no longer a blur
My nakedness laid bare
And ashamed I did stare

And after being banished from the garden
A new garden I do till and toil for her

About This Poem

About the Author

Country/Region: GHA

Comments

Ink Dragon

16 years 6 months ago

Hi Sinnbad,

first of all: Thank you for the dedication, I feel very much honoured. Now, for a close review: “Man! Man! Man! The caretaker of the Father’s creation On whose rib The woman came to grip Oh! Man What made you fall out of Eden?” -> awesome introduction! You hook the reader. After her long lost in the garden -> seems a little cryptic to me. Maybe her long walk, her roaming the garden? She came to me See, the apple of delight and light Which our sight(,) it has long teased Take a bite To make you fly like the kite -> kite seems not to fit the context here, to me at least Come on, take a bite Together we sail in wisdom’s flight Oh come on, take a bite You will not surely die -> surely not? Knowledge we easily acquire -> otherwise, my fav stanza! Thus pleaded the woman and I succumbed My vision no longer blur -> again, not easy to understand, do you mean "a blur"? My nakedness laid bare And ashamed I did stare After being banished from the garden A new garden I do till and toil for her All in all, a worthy response! Thank you very much for sharing this, Sinnbad! Yours, ~Nina

adjei agyei-baah

16 years 6 months ago

Thanks Nina

Much grateful for your corrections and suggestions.All has been considered in refining the poem the second time.Usually get problem with this site when submitting my poem as it most at times it distort the beauty of my arrangements.i think i am getting fed up.Thanks once again Nina. With love, Sinnbadd

Ink Dragon

16 years 6 months ago

Sinnbad,

on the submitting problem: Have you tried copying your poems into notepad before posting them? Copying from word usually results in this odd double spacing. Or do you type your poems into the poem field? Please let me know what exactly does not work, or contact the technical team directly via the help tab. Yours, ~Nina

Nordic cloud

16 years 6 months ago

After her long lost in the

After her long lost in the garden.........long lost doesn't make sense in English, but..? She came to me See, the apple of delight and light Which our sight it has long teased...........I find this odd but charming! Take a bite To make you fly like the kite.........this seems suddenly banal in this context...you'll fly like a kite maybe? Come on, take a bite Together we sail in wisdom’s flight Oh come on, take a bite You will not surely die..........you will surely not die ? Knowledge we easily acquire Thus pleaded the woman and I succumbed  My vision no longer blur............blurred My nakedness laid bare And ashamed I did stare.....as ashamed I stare   After being banished from the garden.......suddenly not so poetic as the last lines A new garden I do till and toil for her.......a new garden I till a toil for her...is my toil..? You must decide for yourself about this, but that's my feeling on looking at this. Okay Adjei, yours respectfully Ann of Norway. ____________________________________

adjei agyei-baah

16 years 6 months ago

Respect Ann of Norway

So much grateful for your time spent to scrutinize and comment on this piece. Your comments have always been helpful in fine-tuning my lines. People like us have taken any practical lessons in poetry but love to express our sentiments through that field. Hope with your barrel full of knowledge we stand to profit to become good poets someday to come. Your Comments taken in good faith. The rest is left for me to decide like you rightly said….

Ink Dragon

16 years 4 months ago

Ah, Sinnbadd,

I see you have been working on this one. Well done, you're defintitely getting there, it's already much improved. Wishing you a happy new year, yours, ~Nina

adjei agyei-baah

16 years 4 months ago

Thanks for watching and

Thanks for watching and monitoring,your perfect write ups have always spur us on to come up with grains but not chaffs.Hope we get there someday.Happy new year.Hope i wasnt too late.Have a good day.