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Cherished in the Word(Edit)

I Gaze at the night
and black rivers flow by,
till a nebula falls
and I let out a sigh

Delving so deep
In the wonders of space,
is a peaceful way
to create an escape

Soaring the wind
and feeling a storm,
in a cyclone of want
I cruise to free-form

Writing my heart
into each stroke,
whispering secrets
till my voice croaks

Scrawling emotions
I lay them in verse,
cruising through memory
I sometimes submerse

When anger shoots fire
from the end of my pen,
the earth starts to tremble
and quakes till the end

When sorrow blows eddies
through the halls of my heart,
I weep with my hand
as my world falls apart

As the whippoorwill blowing
across oceans and streams,
Trans-morphing the night
into fantastical dreams

I've tentatively reached
to show you my mind,
and in opening my heart
each line was defined

These Words and phrases
I send through time,
with a passion that flames
and a touch of my rhyme

Till heavens doors
swing open for me,
I write whats inside
in flight I am free

— Seren, Oct 24, 2009

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: Beyond the Black Stump..Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Pablo Neruda, P.K.Page, W.H.Auden, to many and various to include them all ...

More from this author

Critiques

L

lyz

16 years 7 months ago

Ooh

Back to the rhyme. It is good, and yes you should write what is inside. Love it and I will bid you goodnight dear girl. Love Lyz. XX
Seren

Seren

16 years 7 months ago

Dearest Lyz

Awwww huni this ones just a bit of fluff again ... I get the blues and write it out in these, its my hearts singsong rhythm I think lol thanks for the comment and the support always ... very much appreciated ... love and higgest bugs Jayne x x x
Seren

Seren

16 years 7 months ago

Dearest Lyz

Perfectioniat till the end me lol ... cant help it ... its a compulsion ... but yeah a tiny little tweak here and there but shes done now and finished ... love and big hugs Jayne x x
Proprietress of Crimson Hearts

Proprietress o…

16 years 7 months ago

from the end of my pen.

I cruise to free-form - I just love that line! in fact, I absolutely adore the whole third stanza, true poetry, right there. just like the fifth stanza, another one of my favorites. the rhyme in the second stanza is a bit shaky, would you consider working that out? the rest of the poem is so skillfully rhymed that this one does stand out. Trans-morphing the night into fantastical dreams - the read here would be smoother if you either dropped the *in* or the *to*, just a suggestion and So tentatively I’ve searched - try reading I've tentatively searched, would also have a nicer melody but that's just the way I read it :) the two lines after that are brilliant, I think! oh, and two quick questions is the capital G of the Gaze in the first line intentional? and what are eddies? I've never heard this word before. I just love how tender your writing is, it is always so soothing to read, thank you. your Proprietress
Seren

Seren

16 years 7 months ago

Dear Proprietress

I read your comment and thought she did it again you honed in on the two verses I had planned to edit again ... thanks so much for the help its a pleasure to have you guys around to help and is always appreciated huggles love and hugs Jayne x x edit is done let me know if you think it needs another tweak ..
Seren

Seren

16 years 7 months ago

Underneath this comment I

Underneath this comment I put an explanation for eddies I think you may have missed it when you scrolled down hun ... love Jayne x x x
Seren

Seren

16 years 7 months ago

Btw forgot to give you the

Btw forgot to give you the meaning of eddies ... Eddy ... or eddies .... A circular current of water or air ... whirling(eddying,eddied) to move circularly, or as an eddy ... so hope that helped sorry I forgot to mention it earlier lol huggles love Jayne x x
Candlewitch

Candlewitch

16 years 7 months ago

Dearest Jayne

I agree with the points the Proprietress has stated, but I still love these lines: As the whippoorwill blowing across oceans and streams, Trans-morphing the night into fantastical dreams *So tentatively I’ve searched* to show you my mind, and in opening my heart each line was defined The line I have starred, would only be made better by her suggestion. I love your generous spirit and incredible mind. Love, Cat
Seren

Seren

16 years 7 months ago

Dearest Big Sis

I just did a small edit you can let me know after you read it if you think it needs another one .. thanks for the help ... I knew those two verses needed something but sometimes I just think its better to put them on and get opinions .. I can overedit lol ... love you higgest bugs of love Jayne x x x
I

Idlemindwondering

16 years 7 months ago

We are all writers; and

We are all writers; and humanly different yet all sensitive and visual. but what connects us most is how we deal and resign to life's situations at the tip of a pen the way most people resolve through dreams. I like this stanza in particular: "When sorrow blows eddies through the halls of my heart, I weep with my hand as my world falls apart" krn
Seren

Seren

16 years 7 months ago

Ken ,

I use both I am such a dreamer,this was just one I wrote a while ago and knew it needed a little work ... and it does but sometimes I like to work on them here I can have a harsh editors pen and over edit .. thanks for the comment and those lines you picked out are some of my favourites in this one as well :) love and hugs Jayne x x
C

Calliope

16 years 7 months ago

Jayne,Jayne,Jayne

What can i say? you are a master of words,lol,Just one thing i think in the second stanza you can leave out the 'is' i feel it detracts from the line Delving so deep In the wonders of space, A peaceful way to create an escape But thats just my humble opinion,lol,My fav verse since we are listing favs here,lol is this one... When anger shoots fire from the end of my pen, the earth starts to tremble and quakes till the end Beautiful imagery i love it Love and Hugs and Blessings from the Sky Your a beautiful person,never doubt or ask why!!! Lacy, Where power corrupts,poetry cleanses.
Seren

Seren

16 years 7 months ago

Dearest Lacy

Thanks for having a look at this one huni its one I struggled with to find an ending ... and then about a week ago I ran across it and finished it so I thought I would work on this one here ... I often cut too much I have found sooo now if I am not sure I chuck it on here and see what everyone says ... I will have a think on your suggestions I am still not overly happy with that 2nd verse but i will do an edit in a few days with a fresh mind .. thanks so much for the read and your beautifully kind words made me smile LOL (huggles) love and higgest bugs Jayne x x x
W

Wafi

16 years 7 months ago

"In Flight I Am Free”

Great it is,Dear Jayne. Loved the last great lines; "Till heavens doors swing open for me, I write whats inside in flight I am free" This is interesting. I just took a look of your free form and I felt they are as great as your rhyming poetry. Jayne, you can do both well and I love your rhymes, you should'nt leave it. I see you dont just rhyme the words but there are your great thoughts weaved into your beautiful words with the music of rhymes. You do give us something to enjoy in a more enjoyable way. I know writting rhming poetry is a tough thing to do and I dont think that everyone of us can do that the way you do. If you can do it so well then why you shouldnt? And yeah, rhyming is more creative ;) Keep flying dear Jayne, you know the art... Sincerely, Wafi "Culture, location and beliefs; All vanish with love!" ~Afzal Shauq~
Seren

Seren

16 years 7 months ago

Dearest Wafi

I am smiling my friend just like your poem ... you made my morning with your comment ... I have writen rhyming poetry since I was ten and it was only in the last seven months I have made inroads into writing freestyle ... and its an art that I aim to get better at .. rhyming is a second nature to me ... so of course it takes effort to NOT rhyme lol and trust me its not easy my natural cadence takes over sometimes and has its own way ... but I thank you for your kind words ... I am trying to get am aboriginal translation for your smile poem for you .. I printed a copy out and gave it to a friend whose mother is a tribal elder it may take a few weeks it has to travel outback and back , as soon as I get it will send it to you ... Love and hugs Jayne x x x
W

Wafi

16 years 7 months ago

Oh So Glad

Oh so glad dear Jayne. So thankful to you for your support in tranlsating the "smile" into an aboriginal language. Suprised and thrilled to know "not rhyming" is difficult for you lol, while for me Rhyming is difficult. But your effort is fruitful, your free forms are great too. It's good to try different forms of poetry. Sincerely, Wafi "Culture, location and beliefs; All vanish with love!" ~Afzal Shauq~
Seren

Seren

16 years 7 months ago

Dearest Big Sis

thank you for the revisit .. (huggles) hope your feeling better when you wake up huni ... love and biggest hugs Jayne x x x x