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Seren

Oct 23, 2009 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Last Minute Heaven

To touch space
and shiver against
those fabric-brushed
black fields of
dismembered poppies.
To see eyes sparkle
an epitaph of love,
in shallow-paddled
darkness,
hoping serenity
stays afloat,
just one
more
minute.

Breathless
they touch...
barely,
intensity
blowing sense
into void,
as ends one
minute’s calling`

and poppies run
black inked petals
to a brooding,silent heaven.

— Seren, Oct 23, 2009

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: Beyond the Black Stump..Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Pablo Neruda, P.K.Page, W.H.Auden, to many and various to include them all ...

More from this author

Critiques

16 years 7 months ago

Wow girl are they opium poppies?

This is such an evocative image that it dominates the poem in a good way. It has taken a few reads to unravel the story within and this is the air of mystery I had spoken about in your previous poem. There is more confidence here and a quiet assurance. The message in the last line of a silent Heaven brooding leaves a very peculiar feeling, I can't put my finger on it just now but maybe that is the wailing of a child practising the fiddle in the background...someone give them a harp...opps on second thoughts, no. Your personal growth is almost tangible in your last few writes, I really like where you are going. Much Love Seabhac

16 years 7 months ago

Dearest Seabac

Thanks soo much for reading this one ... there is a meaning I had a little help with this one the title was picked by a friend , this one was too important for me to muck it up ... so for once in my life I asked for a little assistance ... if you got a peculiar feeling with that last line ? you were meant to, this is one poem that wasnt meant to have a feel good feel... and if I am growing its because you all have inspired me to .. you suggested as did Anni that I should write more non rhyme .. well these are it .. I havent writen a rhyme in a while lol but its like a compulsion still want to .. anyway my dear friend thanks for the read and the constant support is appreciated .. love and hugs Jayne x x x

16 years 7 months ago

and yet their firefly spirits light the air above,

This is beautifully poignant, beautifully sad and so sensuously floating through the mind as I read it. Gaunt dark poppies make a heavy wash of pain and yet their firefly spirits light the air above, once red and full of wonder in the silence we are left with in your song. "To see eyes sparkle an epitaph of love,".........I like this Very special Jayne my love to you, Ann

16 years 7 months ago

Dearest Ann

awwwww thank you Ann ,from you thats like honey from heaven, you have given feeling of the poem intent in your comment ... and I bow to you for your intuition ... thank you for being here love and biggest hugs Jayne x x x

16 years 7 months ago

Dear Jayne:

I saw the field of poppies being dismembered as you say, and the black petals, in the air, seeking refuge and a second chance in a brooding heaven. There is a sad note inside the poem, it plays all over its beautiful tones. I see you are expressing your soul, and as Seabhac says you are doing it with much more assurance, and I would add: assertiveness. Nice reading! I loved It!

16 years 7 months ago

Dearest Hugo

What can I say but thank you ... I you always leave your comments and interwoven in the comments is a deep understanding and you read through the lines thank you not all do ...with love and much appreciation ... love and hugs Jayne x x x

16 years 7 months ago

where do i begin

in fact i am lost. i have read and tried to decipher the true meaning of the poem but liitle i could do. that does not take the beauty of the poem away. it is a good work and the approach is good.

16 years 7 months ago

Dear Jabuu

thanks for the read and the comment .. I agree its a hard one to understand .. glad you liked it .. will be round reading later and catch up and see what you have been writing kind regards Jayne

16 years 7 months ago

blood poppies like dark

blood poppies like dark diamonds seeded in antiquity, brooding thoughts plead the hour~~ i am, i am. ~A There are no strangers in Paradise.

16 years 7 months ago

Dearest Ma

(huggles) I am love and biggest hugs Jayne x x x btw you got email coming ;) when I finished here (hugs)

M

16 years 7 months ago

"Hello Seren"

"I'm not sure what the meaning is but I must say, it flows well and was an enjoyable read.."

16 years 7 months ago

Dear Mugsy

thanks for your read and your comment will be round in a few hours reading what you all have been up to ... thanks so much ... you all made me wake up with a smile this morning ... love Jayne x x x

16 years 7 months ago

Dearest Jayne

To me, the dismembered poppies are a thing of sad mutilation of beauty. "Hoping serenity stays afloat just one more minute." We are human and serenity is sometimes fleeting and affected by outside influences. These lines I don't understand: Breathless they touch… barely, intensity blowing sense into void, as ends one minute’s calling` but the ending lines are exquisite! Love, Cat

16 years 7 months ago

Dearest Cat

I had waited till your comment to give my explaination for this one ... its one I worked on for ages and then something Liz said made me remember it and well I got a little help from a special friend with this one the title was picked by them and a few small changes suggested ... I knew it wasnt a bad write I just needed a little assistance getting it to the page ... the dismembered poppies are stars ... the black of space the petals the star shining in the center well thats how I saw it in my mind ... that middle verse means that the poppies in space are brushing heaven and are running black ink that stain in marking its presense in heaven ... hope that makes more sense my darlin I was little mysterious in this write ... and I am sooo glad you liked it with all my love and biggest hugs Jayne x x x

S

SeekerAfterTruth

16 years 7 months ago

Hmm..

This is awesome. I'm not sure if I correctly understand the poem, although it seems to be to be about poppies..and possibly people. I especially like your versification in this, with the natural way verses were split. The way they grew shorter was wonderful, serving to (if I may), ink the last verse in the minds of the reader, firmly. 'and poppies run black inked petals to a brooding,silent heaven.' The idea of a black poppy is a very strong image. It somehow gives a kind of feeling of unease. Which is why I especially like the last line, of the 'brooding, silent heaven.' Interesting subversion of our usual understanding of heaven. The intense imagery is beautiful. Need I say more? I may, however, tentatively suggest the last verse is a little odd. The link between first and second lines of that verse seems a little strange, but that's just my opinion, and I'm no good at this sort of thing. (Seriously, this is lovely. Mmhmm. 2.14AM, Seek is not making sense. Sorry.) Sincerely, -Seek

16 years 7 months ago

Awww Seeker thank you so

Awww Seeker thank you so much for your comment ... I explain this write in the comment above yours I am a little pushed for time today so sorry about that ... this ones another different step for me and well it I liked it just needed a polish and well I love it ...and I never love my poetry lol like but not love love and hugs Jayne x x x

Z

16 years 7 months ago

last minute heaven

enda, patrick collins. hi there it took me a few reads some of the meaning are a little hidden for me but i am sure its all there good ending best lines are the ending for me , i am glad to have read this cheers , yours ziggy

16 years 7 months ago

Dear Ziggy

Thanks sooo much for your comment glad you understood some of it ... it is a little veiled but I find I write like that alot ... dont know why I do but I do lol thanks again for the read and the comment it is very much appreicated my friend love and hugs Jayne x x

16 years 7 months ago

Dearest Jayne!

"To see eyes sparkle an epitaph of love, in shallow-paddled darkness" These lines conjure up all of us supportive poets at Neopoet reading your works... This particular one is exceptional in so many ways. Your LAST MINUTE HEAVEN has become my ONE MINUTE HEAVEN! Splendid work! BOnita j

16 years 7 months ago

Dearest Boni

We always understand each other dont we? I can read you from thousands of miles and it seems so you can you me .. ;) spot on with that read on the epitaph .. thankyou for seeing that dear woman .. I am nearly happy dancing ... LOL nearly crying that one got that message ... you ALL are my epitaphs of love shining in the dark ...love and biggest hugs Jayne x x x

F

16 years 7 months ago

Last Minute Heaven

Seren, This is so gently beautiful, yet so powerful. Like the breath of death... Thank you for exquisite imagery and intelligent fantasy. Most enjoyable Yours, Frangipangi

16 years 7 months ago

Dear Frangipangi

nice to meet you I dont think we have had the pleasure before ... oh and thank you for the times in Australia for the chat ... its just I am a day ahead and wanted to make sure I was here ... thanks for the read and the comment .. I am so happy you liked it...not my normal write but even like this one,wonders will never cease LOL ... love Jayne x x

L

lyz

16 years 7 months ago

My Fave

This gem can mean so many things and let the reader take from it what they will. It is tremendously surreal yet strong and it has a smile emitting from it, if that is possible. I love the words and yes the flow and yes all that previous comments say and it is so far one of your best. What I have read is of stars and the way they burst into falling stars leaving a dark sky behind. Not sad, I dont feel, yet I have taken away from this, thoughts of those passed. I think this is so beautiful and your description is one of perception which is how the artist and poet see, and I love this image I have seen. I am really impressed with this one Aunty, and I could write more but you know how it is, and the title is exceptional as well. Love it and all my love to you and yours, lyz, Xx

16 years 7 months ago

Dearest Lyz

Thank you so much for the read ... I had writen this one ages ago and left it alone and then something Seabac said reminded me of it and inspired me to finish it ... and I am smiling big ones here when my friends and 'family' read them and love them ... that is the best gift I can receive ...and I had a friend go over it before I submitted it and i asked would they name it ... not sure if they want me to say its them so till I can ask I will zip it LOL ... love and higgest bugs of love mwah thank you helped make this the best day this week :) yay love you Jayne x x

L

lyz

16 years 7 months ago

Hey Missy

I cant see what is changed, fill me in,lol. It still has an inner peace to me. Love ya and this piece of art. Lyz, XX

16 years 7 months ago

Sorry hun I didnt mean i

Sorry hun I didnt mean i changed it since I put it on at some ungodly hour of this morning before I put it on I got a friend from overseas LOL to help with it ;) and they named it as well ... but I am glad you like it hun making me smile ..love and hugs Jayne x x x

B

16 years 7 months ago

:)

best beginning to a poem ever To touch space and shiver against those fabric-brushed black fields of dismembered poppies. favourite lines by far ;) it really is a masterpeice!! so im gunna try and steal some of your talent :P <3 much love 5 stars 2 thumbs up a coke and a smile :) ♣

16 years 7 months ago

Dearest Matty

awwww well you are going to laugh but I wrote this one the second last time I was at your house and left it till now to finish it LOL ....wooooot I am stoked people like this one I took some risks with it ... and I guess I am finally ready to step out and write what I really wanted to all along ... love you and enjoy your new family member I hope he dont poop too much all over the carpet LOL hahaha glad you love him so much ... so good seeing you today (huggles) best saturday ever !! LOL love and biggest hugs Jayne x x x

DS

16 years 7 months ago

jayneee!

oooo! its not a rhymer don't get me wrong I like your rhyming poetry but this surpasses anything I have ever read from you. this piece was many things for me. my heart and soul understands this deep inside, its like an empty hollow well, deep and it echoes even when you whisper in it. this gave me a feeling of being alone but not just alone like no one is around or I have no one, but like being utterly alone in heaven just u and god as one in a sacred place a sacred moment singled in time. well I know u mentioned its about a star or stars in the black space but for me the meaning is much more than that. sorry for bein so gushy I am usually stone when it comes to response and commenting on poems I can't dig deep to get what I am really trying to say out. that in no way reflects on the poet but on my lack of brain cells lol. thank you for doin a new direction I think it fits you like a glove. if I could give you more stars I would give u hundreds. loves to you jayne. -diatom shells

16 years 7 months ago

Dearest Shells

You have it in one but inbetween me and my god I float in those black poppies .. thanks for seeing that ... I do have a few non rhymers probably one in three ... but that is going to change I havent writen a rhyme in a while ..this one was sitting for ages waiting for inspiration to finish it .. and it came with a little help ... thanks for your perceptive read I am honoured by your comment thank you so much love and hugs Jayne x x hmmmmm you just gave me an idea LOL (hugs)

DS

16 years 7 months ago

....

well your very welcome I think you should venture a little more into the world of non rhymes because if you could write a hundred like this one I would definitely buy your book and put it on the coffee table lol. maybe you can share your idea to me in the future. ;}lots of love -diatom shells

16 years 7 months ago

Dearest Shells,I have about

Dearest Shells, I have about a thousand poems now I have over 170 on here and of the remaining 830(half of them freeform) ... about 200 are close to finish and there are folders of ideas and rough drafts for later LOL ... I get ideas and I jot them down go back them later and write ... I never intented to publish but you never know one day maybe ... if I get good enough in my eyes ... see in my being here?, the bar has risen and my expections of myself went with it .. I have a habit of setting myself impossible goals ... LOL but one day ... love and big hugs Jayne x x x

16 years 7 months ago

Hi Huni

Thanks for the explanation... Sometimes I'm a bit thick. I still love the last lines, but then I'm just a dark-hearted crazy. Love ya, Cat

16 years 7 months ago

Dearest Big Sis

Awwww Cat you are far from thick my darlin ... this one was very shaded in places and I wrote it so that it could be read in whatever form the reader put it in ... thanks for coming back and I love that you like the ending ;) (huggles) all my love and appreciation Jayne x x x

SR

16 years 7 months ago

OMG Jayne…you’ve done it

OMG Jayne...you've done it again...congratulations on this one. It is such a wonderful read and it definetley got my nom....WELL DONE !!! best regards Stu

16 years 7 months ago

Dearest Stuart

OMG your back,good to see you round again ... I have saved a few goodies to go out on, this was the first of about five really good ones I have been working on ... thanks for your support and the vote I will be round having a read in a little while and see what you've been up to :P many thanks and Love Jayne x x x

B

bjp

16 years 7 months ago

Dear Jayne-Chloe,

My, my, my. Isn't that the cat's meow, as my Grandfather would say. Dismembered poppies! That is a good phrase! I opened my eyes as I read this poem, Jayne-Chloe. No coasting here! Congratulations!!! Buggest Higs Brian

16 years 7 months ago

Dearest Brian

Funny thing when I was editing this I decided it was too good to not have another mind look at it and make sure I had gotten it right .. my 'friend' suggested the word dismembered .. to go with my poppies ... credit where its due lol this was a dream of sorts ... picture a woman shallow wading thighs deeps in satin black petals of poppies, brushing against heaven ... that was my inspiration ... it wasnt a picture I had seen but one I created in my mind ... lol I sometimes think I was an artist in another life I am so visual ... cant paint to save my life though I have tried LOL and another thing when I posted this one .. I thought of a handful of friends that may like it ... you and Olya where in that thought .. I am going to happy dance my way out now LOL ;) love and higgest bugs Jayne x x x

B

16 years 7 months ago

yo hot t......

♣love it baby girl ur just 2 bloody good love ya.xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo hubby

16 years 7 months ago

LMAO … Ummmm darlin you

LMAO ... Ummmm darlin you forgot to sign out as Matty after he used your laptop yesterday lmfao @!!!! too fucking funny I love youuuuuuuuuu ... mwah mwah mwah mwah

AA

adjei agyei-baah

16 years 7 months ago

Impressive Seren

Impressive,will get back to you with my detailed comment. sincerely,Sinnbadd

16 years 7 months ago

Dear Sinbadd I look forward

Dear Sinbadd I look forward to reading your thoughts on this one love and hugs Jayne x x

Fleur MacDonald

Fleur MacDonald

16 years 7 months ago

If I could

give you 100 stars I would! yes I did like it very much! xxx:)fleur

16 years 7 months ago

I was hoping you would like

I was hoping you would like this one ... I get to thinking sometimes when I am posting you were one person who I thought of with this one lol .. its such a huge change of writing for me I have been writing freestyle for the last few weeks and this ones the first one I got to finish lol anyway thank you for the read hun much appreciated ... you be safe on your journey (hugs) love Jayne x x x

Fleur MacDonald

Fleur MacDonald

16 years 7 months ago

I can't drive

so I'm catching a cloud!!!! xxxxx

16 years 7 months ago

Honk on your way past LOL we

Honk on your way past LOL we live right under the flight path from sydney brisbane... if we stand on our front lawn about 7-10 o clock at night LOL its like pitt st sydney planes all over the sky LOL ... love and hugs Jayne x x

B

bjp

16 years 7 months ago

Dear Jayne-Chloe,

Congrats on the spotlight. Buggesting Higs, Brian

16 years 7 months ago

Thanks Brian … big smile

Thanks Brian ... big smile hope your fairing well ...and eating ? lol love and buggesting higs LOL hahaha wanna know something if you say that real fast it nearly sounds like digesting pigs LMAO sorry little on the tired side today so am a little silly (huggles) and buggesting higs Jayne x x x

AA

adjei agyei-baah

16 years 7 months ago

Mind-bending piece

This is a mind-bending piece; have tried to unravel the symbolism and the imagery used but was to no avail. I could feel that the poet had written something worth discovering but could not find the map and keys to unlock the treasure. All the same thanks for your subsequent elucidation that made me to understand partially. To make a confession, I wasn’t much bothered of its hidden theme as I was not the only one who failed to decipher it at the first read. Poetry is not only meant to be enjoyed but it’s also meant to be cracked and appreciated. Serene, thanks for making me searched for my thinking cup. Sinnbadd salutes you.

16 years 7 months ago

Dearest Sinbadd

LOL ... hey I will send you en explanation in PM if your interested ... because there is one ... and thank you again for your beautiful compliemtn Love and hugs Jayne x x

16 years 7 months ago

Dearest Sinbadd

LOL ... hey I will send you en explanation in PM if your interested ... because there is one ... and thank you again for your beautiful compliment Love and hugs Jayne x x

O

orgami

16 years 7 months ago

*

Round shadows from Square silhouettes so much I want to say.. an ebb moment finding time like a shaded blue cloud on a yellow sun day the darkness to pause in thinking more You have so much here in this write staggering in my expectation from ryhmne to non rhymne

16 years 7 months ago

Dear Steven

My dear friend coming from you thats the best compliment made my day I do write lots of non-rhymers but most of the time I dont feel that they are up to scratch with my expections ... and I am trying to improve but slowly goes it ... I wish I could write with the same confidence you show us .. love and big hugs Jayne x x x

A

aeron

16 years 7 months ago

Gobsmacked

This is the first poem I've read on Neopoet and I am stunned and a bit over-awed. Is this the standard here? Perhaps I don't belong here yet. This is better than most modern poetry I have studied, Aeron

16 years 7 months ago

Dear Aeron

Seven months ago when i started here my poetry wasnt half as good as your first post I havent commented yet, through the day I am usually busy lol but do at night ... so will be leaving a comment on your first post which was awesome btw ... if I have improved its because I have had so much help here at neopoet ... this is a workshop at its best, everyone freely shares imformation writing secrets and the friends I have made are amazing people from all walks of life and all countries ... Someone said when i was first at Neo .. try a freestyle and I did ... his comment later was 'I planted a seed it didnt expect you to grow a F##king tree in three days' LOL .... but true to form this place will help you grow ... its a land of exceptional poets ... lovely people and beautiful friends ...I am a singing teacher and have only one exam to finish to be a qualifed speach and drama coach ... but my next degree ... I am thinking masters in poetry lol And in times of need, Neopoets band together supporting and helping each other .. your in the right place ... :) cannot wait to watch another aussie bloom in word ... thank you so much for your wonderful comment I am honoured you liked it freestyle isn't my first love but i am working on it lol love and hugs Jayne x x

16 years 7 months ago

Jayne

I am your biggest fan.Your poems are always amazing and this one is no different, I love Neopoet and love reading your work as much as I love posting mine. Love, Greeneyes

16 years 7 months ago

Dear Elizabeth

Thanks as always for the support its always appreciated and I really have been staggered by the response on this one ... hugs and love Jayne x x x

16 years 7 months ago

It's beautiful

At first I must say I got it wrong, caused me a little pain over broken friend's.But I get it now and it's a true masterpiece.I dont think I can say thank's enough.Great read !!!

16 years 7 months ago

Dear King

I wouldnt say a masterpiece but its one of my better ones lol, not sure what you mean by broken friends but I am sorry if this write caused you any pain was never my intention ... so glad you enjoyed the read kind regards Jayne x

16 years 7 months ago

You caused no pain

It's a beautiful write.At first read I thought it was about addiction in wich Ive lost alot of friend's. They caused the pain not you.I look forward to reading more.

16 years 7 months ago

Ahhh I understand now …

Ahhh I understand now ... sorry for the confusion but so glad you got my true meaning .. not about drugs at all but i can see how the mistake could be made .. kind regards Jayne x x