seabhac

Oct 23, 2009 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

More than existence

Nestled Under wing I fed you morsels Of Truth and Light Affirmed that within Your soul was good. Struggling to believe Doubting You showed kindness and mercy to others, But dimmed your vibrance. With the dark existence your world perceives. Change your vision, See clearly through jaded eyes. Imminence of death Brings many gifts That Death robs you of Now… is life

— seabhac, Oct 23, 2009

About This Poem

About the Author

Country/Region: GBR

Critiques

Seren

16 years 7 months ago

Dearest Liz

What a beautiful tribute to your friend you ahve done them proud ... I just sat down and there you were these are my favourite lines Nestled Under wing I fed you morsels Of Truth and Light Affirmed that within Your soul was good. and the ending was very strong ... stunning write you have done you both proud.. love and hugs Jayne x x x

Candlewitch

16 years 7 months ago

liz

This is a beautiful poem and so right on the money. Embrace life, no matter what stage of it you are in. I was taken with the same lines that Jayne liked. Always, Cat

seabhac

16 years 7 months ago

Thank you Cat

Lovely as always to have you drop by my door. Seabhac

hugo la rosa

16 years 7 months ago

Dear Seabhac:

Carpe Diem, Seize the Day, it's a nice theme for this poem. You are right, we must try to fulfill our dreams gathering its flowers while we may. Interesting poem, Seabhac, and to the point. Simply great! Sincerely, Hugo

seabhac

16 years 7 months ago

Thank you Hugo

A simple message is often the starting point of a learning experience for me. Flowers yes, strange how there were originally 2 lines extra in this about the bee on flowers and I didn't think them necessary, maybe the echoes of those words were still there...interesting thought that one...hmmm In some respects the poem you wrote about the sweet memory of your father influenced some thought behind it, life is precious but the memories we choose to take from the present are essential for our personal well being. Seabhac

lyz

16 years 7 months ago

Dear Liz

I understand in a way, I feel for your friend and this is a beautiful tribute to them. And what you write is true. Beautiful. Love Lyz. XX

professor

16 years 7 months ago

Dear Seabhac

This is a touching tribute to your friend and i quite understand if you dont want to consider editing it but JayC will no doubt have told you i usually try to make constructive comments no matter what the subject. The pace and structure of the beginning (and i liked the bird feeding image)and the end are good but with the increased line length in the middle the poem slows considerably and in my opinion a little too much...even though i suspect this was your deliberate intention. The suggested way i have written it below tries just to increase the pace and flow a little more but hopefully without changing your emphasis and meaning: You showed kindness and mercy to others, But dimmed your vibrance. with the dark existence your world perceives. with my best wishes Keith

seabhac

16 years 7 months ago

I appreciate so much constructive comments

You immediately honed in on the weak area and though I was aware of the unease of these lines, I couldn't step back far enough to see hoe to change it...yes that advise was just lovely and i thank you for taking the time to consider it. I am here to learn and the guidance I receive from others here is invaluable. I have been working my way through your own work, sorry not commenting just yet as I wish to give you words time to envelope me completely, but I will. Thank you again Seabhac

professor

16 years 7 months ago

Dear Seabhac

I am happy you were appreciative of my suggestions. On re-reading your edit i realise that the last few lines might also need a small tweak....the penultimate line is perhaps too long and the last line needs some additional punctuation to make sure the reader says "Now" with emphasis and then delays a little before finishing the line: Brings many gifts That Death robs you of. Now... is life. with best wishes Keith

seabhac

16 years 7 months ago

Thank you Keith

You were right , it flows off the tongue so much better now, excellent. A question from one with basic schooling, I understand why when the emphasis was changed death became an entity and so had a capital letter but does that mean that the ( excuse the giggling pun here ) earlier death should also be capital? Irish woman in Scotland trying to understand English...oh dear, it will be a long haul. Ah the joy of a spoken poem and yours are sheer joy, maybe soon I will be brave enough...soon. Seabhac

professor

16 years 7 months ago

Death

Hi Seabhac, Actually either or both could be with a capital "D" if they intend Death as referring to the bringer of death. Alternatively if you are just referring to death, earlier or not lol, as a state/event then there would be no need to capitalise at all. Give the spoken word a go if you can, it is amazing how much more your poems can come alive that way.....and with an Irish accent even more so lol. Keith