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My first delivary

                                              My first delivery


                                             I t is my first delivery from womb
                                             I am touching my child with pride and love
                                             It is  beautiful and extra ordinary to me
                                             It's smile and weeps  takes me to the peaks of
                                                                                                                  wonder
                                             I tmay be weak or lean
                                             Gold it is and it is my wine  to all my worries
                                             It may walk and talk slowly It is my Jupiter
                                             My shelter may be in a slum
                                             i felt very pride as a mother of an emperor
                                             His every cry reminds the orders of an king
                                             His plays with air and sky
                                             says something about his future endeavours
                                             He gives me a title ''mother' and
                                             he vanished my ill name ''issue less''
                                             H e is my prince and my Lord
                                             as long as he is my son in this world
                                             I will feed my milk with glee
                                             to grow as the mightiest man in this world
                                             I will train him to walk and talk
                                             to become a leader of this world
                                             I will work for him to make him as my excellency
                                             For all these
                                             I expect  a hand ful sand to my Tomb
                                           
                                            
— SAKTHEEE2007, Oct 13, 2009

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Geezer

Geezer

16 years 7 months ago

Delivery...

The theme is very good, and your transpositon of male to female figure is good too. I think that you could use another word, instead of emperor, the second time. Maybe use King instead. Use the word Pride instead of proud, and he instead of it, when you speak of the child. Did you mean tomb instead of domb? Take your time and look at the way other poets speak. Nice work, but can use some tweaks. ~ Gee
S

SAKTHEEE2007

16 years 7 months ago

Thanks Gee

Dear Gee Thanks Gee for your corrections I agree with your remarks and now the poem is O K to my concern. Now it is Ok Isn't it? Saktheee
Geezer

Geezer

16 years 7 months ago

Stil have to fix...

The first part of the poem's references to the child, but yes, it is much better. And watch out for that [ed] on the end of concerned, in your reply. ~ Gee