Carl

When Carl saunters into a room, the wind follows him in
Humped back , shoes that shuffle, brown sweater worn thin
Beneath a tilted page boy , he tucks his ears, larger than before
Wearing trousers hitched clear to the sky, he gently closes the door
Silver strands of feather like fluff, in place of what used to be hair
Crystal blue eyes full of surprise deep set against skin so fair
Unmapped wrinkly creases crossing his paper face
Invisibly moving about the room as if he owns the place
Coffee just right, he slips out of sight to a table draped in sun
Nowhere to go, all day to get there life for this party of one

— jamadarie, Sep 27, 2009

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Critiques

Orphani

16 years 8 months ago

interesting poetic sketch,

interesting poetic sketch, that needs a little kick with some inner revelation. ...................o

Race_9togo

16 years 1 month ago

Hello

I missed this poem of yours when you first posted it, unfortunately for me because this is good. At first - as usual - I thought that perhaps you should split the lines into smaller ones. But I am fixated on such editing, and after reading the piece several times, I feel the cadence of it, and enjoy the structure and rhyme just the way it is. Just two small quibbles, for me: the word "under" in the third line, and the word "like" in the seventh. Perhaps it is just me, but "under" seems to make the rhythm choppy, and the transition from the preceding line hesitant. Would "beneath" perhaps be a better choice? The word "like" also breaks up the rhythm quite a bit, I would take it out altogether. But these are minor. The portrait that you paint of Carl is wonderful, vivid and memorable, to me. Respectfully Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

jamadarie

16 years 1 month ago

Carl

Thanks for the suggestions Jim. The word "Beneath" does flow better and I removed the word "like". I think that was a more difficult choice for me as I was trying to compare his skin to paper, not call it paper, but overall it was not a necessary word ..... :)