A rare regret (Stranded long beyond the sounded ending)

Yay for wifey errand running... you are agood man... I think my lovely otter is a good-un too, he drove 2 1/2 hours to be with me at the Docs (he made the apt!), never had a man do such lovely things (might be slightly due to fierce independent streak! chuckle... in my weaker state I just submit.. actually it's mighty nice!)... You stick with that woman, she must inspire you . Don't fret the sadness, you know how we are (writers) the moment of reflection catches us & we are immersed in it (I am anyway)... this was just a backward glance on something that hurt enormously more than it should have, can't believe it was so relatively recent, feels like an ancient scar. Funny, I never thought I'd want to errase any part of my life, but I'd wipe this one at a seconds notice, perhaps because I have felt so wiped away, not used to that, I still have incredibly close friends that I went out with over the years, it's rare for me not to retain warm affection & connection with someone I've loved... Ah well... writing it down helps get perspective & move on for me. Here, have some cheer & jolly affection (did I tell you my otter thinks that US lads make far more lovely partners than Australian ones... I am beginning to think he might have something there, certainly he champions my experiences in the last... too many years!). Send my affection to your wifey & tell her thanks for sharing you with us, we apreciate it. Cheers Anni~ "A word is not the same with one writer as with another. One tears it from his guts. The other pulls it out of his overcoat pocket". ~Charles Peguy

My goodness Dale, you write so beautifully, you should be a poet!!! Kidding, though I did go & look, & there were no poems yet, hopefully that has changed now! You have fantastic insight & given you are pretty new here (with no history of writer styles) I am impressed by your empathy & ability to get inside a write. I am a naughty thing & often tangle lots of expression/experience as I write, so sometimes to an outsider I imagine there are extraneous references, but they are indelibly connected to me... I have given you an incorrect impression here though, the lament (as I've said above) is merely a backward glance at a brief & devastating (for me) connection I made in the new year... the depth of pain seems out of proportion to the length of the affair, yet I allowed myself to see possibility beyond any I had entertained for years so it was awful when I felt suddenly discarded without a single bit of care or consideration. It shouldn't still hurt, I hate that it does... The middle section refers to a current & far more honourable, worthy & noble connection, I must look to see if I can make that clearer, a comparison I guess, but it stands despite a far more healthy good & true connection, it still disappoints me to feel I'd like any past experience to be sliced away... I've always been one for healing & embracing the goodness in any relationship, despite any hurt... Sorry to make you feel you must be concerned (though I feel honoured at that also) as I mentioned, I write very much in the moment, it was just reflecting on what I have inside. The recent warnings about the possible danger of fires here again when summer comes brought the whole thing back, it was during the terrible fires here that it all became evident, it was easier for him to spend time communicating with someone else. His choice, my journey. Feel pretty stupid & would love to make it disapear. But thanks, funny how someone standing for us not letting something get us down can actually make a difference, I appreciate it... & I wont ta! Cheers Anni~ "A word is not the same with one writer as with another. One tears it from his guts. The other pulls it out of his overcoat pocket". ~Charles Peguy

Dearest Anushka, how deftly you have woven your perceptions here, I feel so incredibly lucky to have the ears & responses of such wonderful writers of sensitivity & depth... You (as you often do) have written such a poetic response to my write, i am left in sweet awe & endeared even more... Ah, you & our darling Beki, have been such honey goodness when I felt less than able to write & it is so lovely to meet you here again... I feel I should apologise for the sadness here... but as you so brilliantly describe, it is the process & you have spoken it just how it felt for me so dumped & abandonned I felt, I know I should just leave it behind since I have been finally claimed so warmly by a divine otter of integrity... Sometimes these thing just demand expression... maybe I shouldn't post them... do you think? Thank you for your delightful words here, how I love them & admire them too Love to you Anushka Cheers Anni~ "A word is not the same with one writer as with another. One tears it from his guts. The other pulls it out of his overcoat pocket". ~Charles Peguy

Don't know what happened to the reply I wrote to this, but I do hope you are feeling better now xx Cheers Anni~ "Occasionally in life there are those moments of unutterable fulfilment which cannot be completely explained by those symbols called words. Their meanings can only be articulated by the inaudible language of the heart". Martin Luther

Thank you Afzal, I'm all for bridges, this was indeed a sore one, no matter how I try to heal it he seems determined to want the knife firmly implanted so he can twist it at will I think, I long to be free of it. Have always had peace with any past loves of any kind, I guess there had to be one to give me grief. I will come see your poems on my return from holidays, enjoy your time here, I am sure they will be wonderful, you seem to write from the heart. I am quickly responding to comments & must away. Cheers Anni~ "The personal life deeply lived always expands into truths beyond itself". Anais Nin:

Ayyye, 5 stars from Theo, I am glad to have pleased... we're all a little voyeuristic in this place, don't you think... & bloody heart baring drama queens as well half the time at some level or other... sorry I am in a flippant mood, especially concerning myself... Oh damn I want to read the poem so I can see what it is that has drawn you, I wrote it many poems ago now! Anyway, gizzard soup is a lot more messy than a jolly raging blaze over the table top, I can imagine there would at least be smoldering embers, certainly I would feel somewhat overwhelmed & totally inebriated no doubt at all the interesting things of the Kaligantsaros, ablaze with interest & the fire of interchange... Wonderful... My inner life tends to get a little volcanic on occassion, rarely visible to anyone else though, but I feel it rise & glow in the presence of an eager mind & passion for life, these are the feasts I might gorge too recklessly on. & yes, I love that you remember the magic in slow living, I find it happens far less than I would like, but life is best savoured this way, yes. I keep meaning to do a spoken word poem, maybe with a little tune tucked in to it's centre, like a chocky surprise, though I can't, of course, guarentee to everyone's taste. But thank you for your faith & compliment. I will have to go read before I confirm your suspicians here, though I will say, I always prefer peace with any ex, & have been lucky to have received (created, since it takes effort & integrity) my wish in almost every case, not this one, it harrases me, & I long to slice it from me, (he likes to torment I think, I should be able to ignore it, but the fact he presses our history on me is opressive when I have made the simplest request of his behaviour to change). It was brief, but an avalanch of an experience for me, the first real surrender I had made since my partner died, so I fell hard & very alone despite my beautiful folk all around, one seems to recede to a kind of half life in that kind of grief, it is hard to touch the real ones when the longing is drowning you. Fortunately I am on dry land & wonderfully loved now, possibly for the first time that I am able to fully be open to for a very long time.... So yahoo & table dancing, life is so lovely & warm with reciprocated love in it. I bless him really for being so hideous, I would have become a martyr perhaps in his hands. Oh dear now you really have the story, it is such a tiny segment of my life & I really don't care if it is known... Pass that pepper please this gizzard needs a little spicing up!!! I may have served up more than you had apatite for, but it's nothing that isn't really in the write anyway. You have found me in a rather skinless state this evening (I am listening to Armchair apocrypha, deep & on the melancholy side... sigh!). Feel free to complain about the gut spilling, I'll be away for a while though. Enjoy, & write lots so I have lots to feast on when I return, slowly supped, & easy on the gizzard! Cheers Anni~ "The personal life deeply lived always expands into truths beyond itself". Anais Nin:

Anna, you are on a spree, how yummy to have your eye here & in a happy state as well, I am glad to have drawn you here. Yes, it is time consuming to do this place justice, I catch an odd one from you & others here & there, but without staying up until redicualous hours (which I do too often) it is hard to make the time... Ahh but so worth it dear one, & my friend I doubt you are old enough to be my mother, you just feel like ageless kin to me, always beautiful, lithe, graceful in my mind you are, & I bet it's true, no matter your age. But thank you it is an honour to be mentioned as Neo daughter by you. What a sad & beautiful story of your gentle lover, love your stories. See you soon xx Cheers Anni~ "The personal life deeply lived always expands into truths beyond itself". Anais Nin: