Oddly missing (revised)

Hi Jayne, well, I had definitely lost something, the ease with which I used to write & the fluidity that would flow abundantly with inspiration & even that, I always found inspiration in the smallest, most unlikely places, small sparks ran to raging bushfire passion at my pen.... It has always been so easy for me... I had a "blocked spell" (never really believed I could suffer from writer's block nothing had ever really phased me before), I felt I got turned inside out after the liberation of finding I could express myself in a public arena, then it became critically unsafe & I got immensely wobbled, I was surprised by the extent... it was made worse by concurrent physical debilitation... not a great combination & no doubt they leaked into eachother. It's ok, (& you are most welcome to speak your mind, I know you always aim to do so with integrity Jayne & I apreciate that greatly), I am a great believer that there is always something to learn, especially from something we feel challenged by... finally yesterday I felt myself return to myself (in terms of writing) if that makes sense, always growing (is my hope) so it will not be the same, & I feel there ARE things to learn from a few weeks of struggling to express myself in a way that had always been so effortless for me... not saying it was always good, it was always just easy to do. Anyway, thanks for your kindness & I do hope you are taking good care of yourself... it is so critically important (boy am I learning that!), don't be getting tired being a Neo junkie, it's too easy to form that bad habit, we want you healthy woman. Cheers Anni~ "A word is not the same with one writer as with another. One tears it from his guts. The other pulls it out of his overcoat pocket". ~Charles Peguy

Dear Cat, thank you, that's a great compliment from you & I apreciate it, I feel the same reading your work. It's interesting because recently I have become more open about grief & loss of beloved companions & family, but this is predominently a write trying to come to terms with losing (hopefully temporarilly) my physical abilities & who I am as a person without those attributes... If I can't be/do those things who am I... & then the shadow view of who really knows or notices anyway (we do tend to feel more vulnerable than we might need to at such times I know it intellectually, but my heart grieves for the blessings it has so enjoyed much of my life)... I have a feeling you might know some of this as well... you are such a woman of quiet strength & goodness, there is such beautiful consistency in you. Your writings are always soothing at some level. Thank you again xx Cheers Anni~ "A word is not the same with one writer as with another. One tears it from his guts. The other pulls it out of his overcoat pocket". ~Charles Peguy

Oh now that I have to come back & edit my "Thanks, but hold on, I'll get back to this", I can't read the comment you left me, which was lovely & I do mean thank you. I think that is the thing I'm finding difficult, I've always been a full on girl, big percentage energy input & I guess I always meant to burn out, but I am struggling at the moment because I am in fact going through a fade away of who I am because I am reduced to far less than normal... I am determined to get back to the "me" I love being most, but I am having to find a less energetic & lucid way of being, it is hard because I can feel really foggy & you actually describe the sense I was trying to express better than I feel I expressed it myself, I'm hugely impressed (but I guess I must have had it there for you to pull so much from it... Anyway, I bless you for it, & I'm mighty pleased you made your way to these poetry shores, & I am even more determined to get my health back so I CAN indeed burn out rather than fade away (either that or I will find a way to make that fade out passionate & firey & leave a blazing impression for a long time... ta for puting me in that far more cheery space!). Cheers Anni~ "A word is not the same with one writer as with another. One tears it from his guts. The other pulls it out of his overcoat pocket". ~Charles Peguy

Dear O'... how do I respond to this amazing write of yours. I struggle always to pick favourite lines or phrases from anything you write it is always so packed with lines that strip me down to awe & admiration... & so often they come from who knows where & I feel nothing but honoured to have them on my page. yet the sun trembles and happy hours are leaking emptying with the vanquish of night sullen and powdered white with its damp brush where another world of dimensions steps forth I stray to keeping this line of want hold too my fast little abstractions the little things so coveted and fathomable the bright amplitude of the fashionable It is a struggle, in truth I don't want to have to adapt, but I must at least in the short term, I do ok most days... but I think writing it out might have helped move me forward. Anyway ta for leaving your amazing words here. Cheers Anni~ "A word is not the same with one writer as with another. One tears it from his guts. The other pulls it out of his overcoat pocket". ~Charles Peguy

Hi Pint, I think you flatter me in this case but thank you, I wish it were true I actually feel this is less than worthy in many ways, I guess it's a taste thing, maybe my better writes (in my eyes) don't apeal to you so much. Anyway, I have found my way back here, hoping it will be a little more comfortable than it was for a while, nice to see you. I think I am slowly getting my writing back on track. Hopefully you are faring well. I shall go see what you have been up to soon. PS love the tree frog! Cheers Anni~ "A word is not the same with one writer as with another. One tears it from his guts. The other pulls it out of his overcoat pocket". ~Charles Peguy

Hi Meow, yes, I see what you mean, it's odd because I suspect most people would accuse me of being overly optimistic & always having a happy ever after twist & a bright star somewhere in any of my writes, this was a departure I thought I could get away with given most people have read that from me & probably feel like they are getting cavities from the sugar coating, I wanted to try writing raw about my feelings for once without shutting it down to make it have a "nice ending" for the comfort of others.... Now I know why I do that (Chuckle). Sorry it made you sad, ta for the perspective. Good luck here & welcome. (ps I should add, sadness underlying is not an unaccustomed thing in my writes, but usually I put it into perspective & add a more positive spin, we all experience sadness, it shouldn't be a bad thing in actuality, but yes, I don't like to sound like I am complaining, & I feel that's a little what you might have read here). I've just realised you asked me a question... YES I have definitely looked many times at how important generosity is, you would see that if you read even a few of the comments I leave for others or responses to my own works, or the majority of my poems here (but as I said, I understand from just this read why you might think I might be ungrateful, I'm not though)... This one is actually about grieving my ability to be there for others after being very ill. Guess this is a very bruised area, not that you could have known, anyway, you asked, probably wish you hadn't. No probs though. You'll read all kinds of things here, my vote would be don't take anything too seriously. Bummer you picked this one to read of all my writing. Cheers Anni~ "Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body". ~Elizabeth Stone

Bloody hell!!!! There's a few mysteries imbedded here (for those meddlesome kids to uncover) Joizes! What an amazing & brilliant read, I would completely love to open that cranium of yours & have a few goes at sketching what floats out, it would ALWAYS be interesting I have NO doubt... Well, yes there are days this could be close to how life looks with CFS, I feel like anything I try to do I have to move through porridge, even thinking... & of course you would understand it having done the health store thing, I spent almost $200 (& that's Australian dollars, double the pound at the moment almost) on vitamins, minerals & herbal thingy's recently, since it's the first time a doctor has actually suggested anything practical & I am at a point where I'll try anything. I am still wobbly after reading your amazing response here, wow. We don't ALL drink beer though (well, I don't), but well done on the Aussie section & man the rest will take several reads to digest, but I love it. You come splatter my pages with stuff like that any old time, who needs drugs! Crazy bugger! Anyway, ta for the understanding, I think lots of people don't understand it... I didn't really til it happened to me... & I hope to do more than just lessen the symptoms, there are apparently definitive treatments, multifaceted & bloody all consuming, but jeez, what's a life worth, I LOVED mine & I feel I have about half what I had a few months ago, I want it back (stomp rant! chuckle). PM me if you have any magic potions though... it's amazing hearing about poets "other" lives, I didn't picture you in a health store, but it's nice (I did a Naturopathic Diploma in my early 20's, I never practiced, just near the end I lost my partner & life took a very different turn for me) Cheers Anni~ "Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body". ~Elizabeth Stone