Race_9togo

Aug 19, 2009 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Farewell

the pain that ripped apart
the only thing I cared to feel
rising from the smash of heart
you crushed into my soul
was the last thing left still whole

beneath the reach of heaven
and the undertow of hell
below the leaden coffin
that passes for my soul
I would have wept a waterfall

but even that's denied me now
the ruins of my love for you
have moldered too long to allow
anything as cruel as a loving view
of what we had before you said
farewell

— Race_9togo, Aug 19, 2009

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: Earth Vicinity (within a five light-year radius), ZZC

Favorite Poets: John Donne, T.S. Eliot, Serendipity, Emily Dickenson, Kailashana, Charles Bukowski, Kabir, Rett, Dalton, W. B. Yeats, William Blake, Rainer Maria Rilke, and many other Neopoet poets; Neopoet has heavily influenced my poetry and my ability to write it well.

Critiques

Seren

16 years 9 months ago

I different look at

I different look at heartache ... and the "Ache" is in every word seeping out... brilliant write ... nothing more to be said than that ... Regards Jayne "We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves. Lynn Hall" ...

Race_9togo

16 years 9 months ago

Thanks Jayne

It always good to know that I got it right. Respectfully Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

Candlewitch

16 years 9 months ago

Jim

You really know how to make a girl weep. A very touching poem, very descriptive of your emotions. Great work. I'm becoming a fan of yours. Always, Cat

Race_9togo

16 years 9 months ago

Cat

Ah well, I didn't want to make you cry, sorry. Yeah, seems I'm getting kind of emotional in my work, these days. I think I'm getting better at it, and at this rhyming thing to, although putting cadence and rhythm and rhyme all together is still a real big challenge for me. Ditto on the becoming a fan, Cat. I enjoy the darkness of your work very much. Respectfully Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

Janice Pearce

16 years 9 months ago

Jim

Sorry I stumbled a bit on the first stanza [the flow] second and third stanza flowed a lot better except didn't recognize the word "mouldered" ______________________________________________________ Income-tax forms should be more realistic by allowing the taxpayer to list "Uncle Sam" as a dependent Anonymous

Race_9togo

16 years 9 months ago

Janice

Yes, I know what you mean. Its that 3rd line that's the problem, so I changed it a little, but I don't know if its better, or worse. mouldered....should be moldered, as in rotted slowly. Changed it. Tell me please, is the 1st stanza better, or worse? Respectfully, Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

Janice Pearce

16 years 9 months ago

Jim

That third line reads better now. Still, something seems forced sorry~ _____________________________________________________ Income-tax forms should be more realistic by allowing the taxpayer to list "Uncle Sam" as a dependent Anonymous

Race_9togo

16 years 9 months ago

Yes it does

Third line still isn't any good, so I changed "surfacing", it makes for a better flow by reducing the beats, and also "real" in the last line, which I think makes the rhyme smoother, more natural. I'll get this rhyming thing down yet! Thanks Janice Respectfully Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

Janice Pearce

16 years 9 months ago

Farewell

I am not an expert, and am always learning here on the site. You have made improvements Jim, and that is what we are here for~ Hope that I have not discouraged you in any way. ______________________________________________________ Income-tax forms should be more realistic by allowing the taxpayer to list "Uncle Sam" as a dependent Anonymous

Race_9togo

16 years 9 months ago

Not discouraged at all...

This is what this site is all about, taking criticism and considering what it says about your poetry. How else can one get better, except by listening to the responses of others to what you write? Yes, I have made improvements and yes, it most certainly IS better. And my next one will be an improvement again, over this one, and so on. Thanks again Janice! Respectfully, Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

Barbara Writes

16 years 9 months ago

Race_9togo

You really did a good job expressing the hurt of your farewell. I enjoyed reading this. ~~~~~~~~~ Be whoever you are At all times, and Remember that Because of this, people will Always Respect, and Admire you ©2008Leonard Respectfully Yours, Barbara

Race_9togo

16 years 9 months ago

Thanks Barbara

Glad that you enjoyed it. Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

pleiades

16 years 9 months ago

‘rising from the smash of

'rising from the smash of heart'...i have line envy. i've read this a number of times now...sometimes it reads smoothly, sometimes a little bumpy...i like both ways. i think the difference is because emphasis can be placed on any number of phrases, at any given reading...i REALLY like that. torn emotion done so well...the pain in this comes through loud and clear. i think this is consistently good throughout, but the last stanza, in particular the last few lines, deliver an extra kick. i look forward to reading more of you. p.

Race_9togo

16 years 9 months ago

Thanks P,

This one of my infrequent attempts to make something that actually rhymes. I seem to be getting better at it! Rhyme is very difficult for me. The results always seem a little trite, kind of artificial and choppy. But the criticism that I get here is doing the trick, I think, in making my efforts more natural. Glad you enjoy it. Respectfully, Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

t. reflexion

16 years 9 months ago

What else can I say...

I like this 'Farewell', along with the emotions and the flow. Well done T.

Race_9togo

16 years 9 months ago

Thanks T

Glad you like it so much! Respectfully Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race