Race_9togo

Aug 11, 2009 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Terminator chase

shared
our hearts and minds
new unified by reflections
of each other's open souls
we laughed for the passion
of our pressing bodies
and the wonder that
we knew tomorrow
would become

ravages of lost intent
dwindling shared future
so helpless
heralded her slow death
dying eyes filled not with
fear but with the horror
that she knew I would
be left alone

on the other side of joy
I fled the ruins of my life
chasing the terminator
across the surface of our world
counting sleeping countries
numbering the slumbering cities
trying desperately to outpace
the dawn of endless loneliness

— Race_9togo, Aug 11, 2009

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: Earth Vicinity (within a five light-year radius), ZZC

Favorite Poets: John Donne, T.S. Eliot, Serendipity, Emily Dickenson, Kailashana, Charles Bukowski, Kabir, Rett, Dalton, W. B. Yeats, William Blake, Rainer Maria Rilke, and many other Neopoet poets; Neopoet has heavily influenced my poetry and my ability to write it well.

Critiques

Janice Pearce

16 years 10 months ago

Terminator chase

Jim, Just my personal opinion, no need to rhyme but I think it needs to be expanded upon.I think perhaps a new first stanza? _____________________________________________________ Income-tax forms should be more realistic by allowing the taxpayer to list "Uncle Sam" as a dependent Anonymous

Race_9togo

16 years 10 months ago

Hi Janice

you know I was leaning that way myself. I think perhaps a first stanza that evokes how we felt about each other before she died. Might take me awhile though. Thanks Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

themoonman

16 years 10 months ago

Hi Jim...

just wanted to chime in agreement here, I like what you have but felt it needed something before this to give some background... sad chase Jim, and you named it right, the terminator keeps on coming. Richard

Race_9togo

16 years 10 months ago

Richard

I added a new first stanza thanks Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

Janice Pearce

16 years 10 months ago

Terminator chase

Jim, that added first stanza made it so much more understandable line 7 and 8 I feel need some work, perhaps: and the wonder of what tomorrow would become? OR [bring] 3rd stanza: On the other side of joy [do you mean [pain] here? Just curious ______________________________________________________ Income-tax forms should be more realistic by allowing the taxpayer to list "Uncle Sam" as a dependent Anonymous

Race_9togo

16 years 9 months ago

Janice

Yes I like the addition of this new stanza, it works well, and fleshes out the emotions that were inadequately described before its inclusion. I use the word "become" because it fits better into the cadence, it gives more of a wide sense of the future, to me, while at the same not personifying that future, which in my mind would detract from the human feelings of this piece. "On the other side of joy" means the pain of loss, yes, and despair - intensified by the next line. Thank you for your help on this one - you and Richard both! It was needed. Respectfully Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

Candlewitch

16 years 10 months ago

hello Jim

I like it the way it is... melancholy and tragic in the pursuit. I hope it isn't from a true event, if so, my heart goes out to you. Always, Cat

Race_9togo

16 years 9 months ago

Hi Cat

Thank you very much. Janice and Richard gave me some good advice -as always, lol - that gave me the impetus I needed, and allowed me to complete this little piece. As for its reality, it was very, very long ago, and I am not a person who believes that those I love and cherish ever disappear. I feel her sometimes, looking in at what I've done and made of myself, and I hope she approves. I think she does. As someone who's opinion I highly respect told me in a post not too long ago, we poets are defined by our tragedies and losses as much as our joys and loves. I, being a far less sophisticated person, simply believe that what does not kill you makes you strong. Thank you again, I am glad that you like my effort. Respectfully Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

themoonman

16 years 10 months ago

Jim...

I thought you added just the right touch to this, allowed me to connect deeply, I do hope this wasn't a truth for you... it is delivered like it is and with the ease of reality's pains. At first, I didn't like the way the last sentence carried on to the next stanza, but you know what, I do... it worked well in this case. great poem Jim, so good to see you here! Richard

Race_9togo

16 years 9 months ago

Thank Richard

and that you very much for your criticism, both you and Janice. I value it very much, and the results of it speak for themselves, I think. Thanks again, Respectfully Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

Darya

16 years 9 months ago

I like this ….. “trying

I like this ..... "trying desperately to outpace the dawn of endless loneliness"

Race_9togo

16 years 9 months ago

Thanks Darya

I am glad that you enjoyed my poem Respectfully Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race