doorman

Aug 10, 2009 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Walk with me

Strolls of black shoes splash

Puddles green, red light reflex

Original shame

Shadow's broken home

Patient, little wheel journey

In woe's fine mortar

Two ghosts' secret clinch

Stopgap bondage of relief

Converse in pink tongues

— doorman, Aug 10, 2009

About This Poem

About the Author

Country/Region: NOR

Critiques

Cloudthings

16 years 10 months ago

I DO love cryptic writing if I can work some of it out

I will have to return to take this in properly I think - it gave me a fabulous frst impression, but some of the terminology seemed extraneous to some of the other bits (though I DO love cryptic writing if I can work some of it out), but I think it needs more focus than what I can give it just now (apologies)... still some of these lines are brilliantly executed. "Two ghosts clinched Stopgap bondage of relief Converse in tongues" This whole stanza is a killer... bravo Cheers Anni~ "Clarity of mind means clarity of passion, too; this is why a great and clear mind loves ardently and sees distinctly what it loves". Blaise Pascal (1623 - 1662)

Ravenshakti

16 years 10 months ago

Dear Espen...

This one spoke like a mesmerizing book to me... These words : Shadow’s broken home Patient, little wheel journey In woe’s fine mortar Gave me a fine touch... Though I loved it all. Exquisite writing. Raven

doorman

16 years 10 months ago

Raven

As always, Raven, you're a comforting voice. Thank you for reading. Espen.

doorman

16 years 10 months ago

Dear Cloudthings

Being a fresh fish in the tank, I'm a grateful sponge when it comes to corrections and critique, especially from a caliber such as yourself. I'll let this one marinate a little longer, though, while I ponder my next move. I'd be honored to hear from you again. Thank you for the kind compliment on the last stanza. Respectfully, Espen

Cloudthings

16 years 10 months ago

I wouldn't be concerned at all, it's great write

I worried when I read your comment & thought, I better come tell you I wouldn't be concerned at all, it's great write... then on rereading my comment I realised... when I said it needs more focus, I meant on MY part... huge day, child needing attention etc... I'm not suggesting you'd want to change anything, I was just letting you know I wanted to come back when I was more focused... & hey... I am no bigger fishy... just a bit a of a dag really. Enjoy. Cheers Anni~ "Clarity of mind means clarity of passion, too; this is why a great and clear mind loves ardently and sees distinctly what it loves". Blaise Pascal (1623 - 1662)

Kailashana

16 years 9 months ago

between doors we are dead

between doors we are dead men walking, a butterfly emerges from conjoined breath.. ~A "If you have come to help me, you are wasting your time. But if you have come because your liberation is wound up in mine, then let us work together." Aboriginal Activist Group, Queensland, 1970's

doorman

16 years 9 months ago

Dear kailashana

Thank you for taking the time to read, kaila. Alluring imagery. Yours, Espen.

Hooded Stranger

16 years 9 months ago

Haiku

I am right that this is Haiku style. There are so many variations of it that I don't always see it. You like this style don't you?...We can all put some rather intriguing words together, sometimes rhyme them and sit back and think another poem done...but Haiku...that takes some patience and skill. Why do you relate to this style so much? I have not yet tried to write in this style, but having read yours I am beginning to get the feel for it. Any tips before I try? Nice piece...works perfectly. regards, HS

doorman

16 years 9 months ago

HS,Thank you very much for

HS, Thank you very much for reading the write, and for your compliment. The form is Haiku, though I can't say I'm following it's traditions. It is more of a crutch for me. I feel a little unsteady when rhyming, so counting syllables and putting them into a tight frame makes things more brief and concise. I like it that way. One often ends up with unexpected combinations, which I find quite amusing,- you'll get a lot of freebies just by playing around. A fun way to experiment, I find, is to rip a regular stanza you've made apart and try to fish out the key words that describes the essence of its emotion. With a little tweaking you'll have three lines, 17 syllables, and a nifty poem. Another suggestion is to concentrate/meditate on an emotional memory and write down three objects that springs to mind, and just go from there. It's a bit trying at first, but once it works it really sticks. Works for me, sometimes. Here's a little general info should you be interested: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hiaku Respectfully, Espen.

Hooded Stranger

16 years 9 months ago

Espen...

...I am more into rhyming, but I am going to give Haiku a go...and cheers for the link. I'll keep you posted. Kindest regards, HS