~

I greatly enjoyed your poem but I have a little difficulty with the last line in the first verse, it is little short. Perhaps you could say, "But I don’t quite know why". Just a suggestion. Barry

I had a problem with the last line of the first stanza ... how bout "no need to wonder why" ?? There is so many ways you could take that last line and it would work for you ... loved this write though Corey and I will be back for the edits I would like to give it a five ;) love and hugz Jayne x x "We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves. Lynn Hall" ...

Forth stanza last line I had a problem with the flow here, other that that, a beautiful piece here~ Four stars, because of punctuation [sorry] _____________________________________________________ Income-tax forms should be more realistic by allowing the taxpayer to list "Uncle Sam" as a dependent Anonymous

Forth stanza last line I had a problem with the flow other that that, a beautiful piece here~ Four stars because of punctuation. [sorry] _____________________________________________________ Income-tax forms should be more realistic by allowing the taxpayer to list "Uncle Sam" as a dependent Anonymous

A lot better, but sounds "forced" Hate to be so nit-pickey but this is such a good poem and I appreciate that you are willing to change it perhaps: "I wonder where they'll take me to Perhaps I won't survive An endles game of running around da da da da da da ?? Sorry this is your baby. Once again I appreciate your willingness to be open to suggestions! ____________________________________________________ Income-tax forms should be more realistic by allowing the taxpayer to list "Uncle Sam" as a dependent Anonymous

My thoughts: 1]I wonder where they'll take me to 2]around bends I cannot find OR through thoughts I cannot find 3]this endless game of running around 4]perhaps I won't survive Just some thoughts Good luck I bow to you for a good write sir~ _____________________________________________________ Income-tax forms should be more realistic by allowing the taxpayer to list "Uncle Sam" as a dependent Anonymous

you did it again (rhymed see with free and me). The poem works quite well, but I feel the urge to advise you to expand your vocabulary a little more, the slight overuse of some words is glaring when one reads all of your work, as is the underlying structure that you use frequently, too. Crystalline visions entrance me Beneath a snow filled sky (good start) Rows and rows of light I see (see/me) Though I do not know quite why (feels like this is only here for rhyme's sake) Liquid rivers are flowing free Surging through my veins Drowning memories past it seems (it seems could be taken out here) As I wash away my pains (the imagery of this stanza works well) Adrenaline’s in overdrive (why not stick to the water imagery here?) My eyes are open wide I’m chasing shadows round again (maybe lose round here?) From me they cannot hide (hide/wide, again, for rhyme's sake?) I wonder where they’ll take me to (the shadows should be nearer this line) Perhaps I shall not strive An endless game of running round That I wish just to survive The walls are closing in I see (see again!) I’m trapped in my own cave Voices are now haunting me (me again!) And making me their slave (apart from the use of see/me, a good stanza) Someone told me long ago That life was all a lie There’s nothing more worth fighting for I might as well just die (this stanza feels bumpy) But now I know the secrets to (from here, it runs quite smoothly again) The traps that you devise You wished to bring me down with you But now you’re not that wise I Love this life too much to lose I’ll never let it go And even in my darkest blues There’s something you should know You showed me what it means to cry And for that I must now smile So Thank You for enlightening me Love was with me all the while I just hope that my comment is NOT bringing you down, Corey, you have a great theme here and the ability and talent to make the poem work better if you move out of your comfort zone. Yours, ~Nina