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Bonitaj
Bonitaj
Aug 07, 2009 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

FROZEN SMILES

FROZEN SMILES

Lecherous leers glimpsed
through darkened windows -a portentous peering, aninconspicuous impropriety. Susurrous stirrings behind the veil.Frozen smilesgridlock life's Holy Grail BjR  7 August, '09                                                                                            
— Bonitaj, Aug 07, 2009

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: Tip of Southern Africa, ZAF

Favorite Poets: Too many to narrow down, but briefly :, AUDEN, T.S. ELIOT, DICKENSON, RILKE, THOREAU, RUMI ... the list is endless. Am inspired by many, especially those that live lives of "quiet desperation, and go to the grave with a song still in them" (THoreau)

More from this author

Critiques

R

raskin

16 years 10 months ago

hi

I don't know if you have done a lot of alliteration or are experimenting with the form. One suggestion I would make is to say it out loud, good alliteration has a rhythm. Sometimes joiners in between words give it more. Kind of like a rest. I don't know if that makes any sense at all. There's some good phrases to work with, stick with some and expand on those. I'm not a professional just my opinion. Idea is good but stick with certain sounds and repeat them. raskin
Bonitaj

Bonitaj

16 years 10 months ago

Raskin!

So nice of you to stop by! I wrote this very quickly and posted it immediately this morning (as I am want to do!) so any comments regarding improvement are welcome. I would have to say that I might find it difficult to implement though - despite 'hearing' where you're coming from. None of this was laboured or intended as 'work on alliteration' but I shall certainly keep it in mind for the next write! Cheers Boni
KS

Kenneth Sharp

16 years 10 months ago

I love the title. And the

I love the title. And the theme, but it took me two read-throughs to process it. I felt the liberal use of alliteration (lecherous leers-that was great imagery there) to be useful. Good job with this.
Bonitaj

Bonitaj

16 years 10 months ago

Hi Kenneth

Nice to meet you - especially after your generous critique! Have a really nosey neighbour - old guy, who's always peering into my back yard. Think that's what subliminally motivated this piece. The Frozen Smiles are certainly an extension of that idea. "Oh! how are you? - have a nice day" stuff! - so it was good for me that you could make that out! Thanks again Bonita j